


Datapad Diaries

by Sarah1281



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Diary/Journal, Game retelling, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 18:30:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 64,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4716224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Shepard had to pick, she'd probably lean more towards the Paragon side and she's working towards gaining enthusiasm for being humanity's (and then the universe's) big hope. Still, a paragon has never been a saint and there are some things that must never ever seen the light of day. Ever. Well, maybe if she lives long enough and someone offers her a book deal. But not until then.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It's official. Today is the worst day ever. It is absolutely impossible for anyone to have a day worse than the day that I currently had and I will not listen to lies attempting to challenge my belief. Because, yeah, I'm sure that dying would be pretty bad (I wouldn't know, I've never tried it) but it's still not this level of bad.

I don't even know where to begin. It's just all so…ugh, you know? Well, I know and I don't see why anybody else would be reading this. Maybe one day if I retire and sell my memoirs and make a ton of money or something. Of course, with the lengthy lives of certain species – Asari, I'm looking at you – that might not be a good idea but, well, I'll be retired so any fallout will not actually be my problem.

And, shockingly, it seems like one day my story might actually be worth something.

Or perhaps I'm about to crash and burn. That actually seems more likely, come to think of it.

But whatever. After the terrible day that I've just had, I'm entitled to be a little optimistic.

Actually, it was more like two days but I was unconscious for fifteen hours so I'm not sure that should really count. And that first part had to have lasted less than nine hours so even if it took place over two days it was still well within one twenty-four hour day so…yeah.

But anyway, it all started when I was told that I was going to be the XO on the Normandy and serving under Captain Anderson. I…didn't actually pay any attention to what our mission was but who can really blame me? Well, maybe a lot of people. Still, as long as I go where I am told to go and shoot who I am told to shoot, does knowing our objective really make that big of a difference? It's not like I was in charge or anything. When and if that ever happens, I'll try to pay a bit more attention.

And it's not like I make it a habit of zoning out either! Well…okay, maybe I kind of do. I dislike boring things. Who doesn't?

But this was different. All Alliance ships are named after old battles and the Normandy is one of my favorite battles…and not just because it's one of the few battles that I know. But hey, a ship called Bunker Hill would sound kind of stupid, wouldn't it?

And I guess I just get all caught up in the mythos. Those brave Allies (and it's almost like Alliance, too, which helps) storming the beaches of Normandy and liberating France before beginning to take back the rest of Europe from evil personified…Real life always has a lot more nuances than that but this was centuries ago and so I don't have to care about that.

Movies like Saving Private Ryan depicted it as a bit more of a bloodbath than in my romantic imaginings (formed back before I knew that Normandy was in France and wasn't a country of its own and that actually wasn't as far back as you'd think) but I guess that's to be expected. And yes, I do still watch movies from the 20th century. There is nothing strange about that.

I'm not the only one at any rate. I like movies from even further back than that and one thing that everyone can agree on is that it's far weirder to watch one of those old black and white movies even though, color or not, these movies are from centuries ago. Apparently just the lack of color make it hard to follow the plot or something. Whatever. I can have obscure interests!

But anyway, I was talking about the Normandy. I would have liked her just for the name alone but it's also the most top-of-the-line ship in existence (suck it, Destiny Ascension!) and commanded by one of my personal heroes, Captain David Anderson.

They say you should never meet your heroes and I can certainly see why but I met this particular hero of mine years ago and he's been a mentor of sorts for me over the years. You know the best way for a hero to live up to your expectations? If they seem to like you and see potential in you.

Apparently the rest of the crew has been paying a lot more attention than me, though. I probably wouldn't have even noticed that there was a Turian onboard if it hadn't been for the fact that nobody can stop talking about him. Well, maybe Iwould have because he was kind of stalking me ever since he stepped onboard but if it hadn't been for that. Incidentally, do you capitalize the names of other species? I'm never sure but it just doesn't look right lowercase so whatever. I'll just do it my way in my own personal and private journal.

According to the crew, we were supposedly testing out some stealth systems or whatever. I wasn't really paying attention to them trying to tell me what the mission was after I wasn't listening the first time but that doesn't really matter, I guess, because they were all so very certain that it was just a ruse.

So I guess it was the most obvious ruse ever. My only question, then, is why bother wish such a transparent ploy? Do they think that we're idiots or something? Or maybe it was less transparent to those not on the ship and they were the ones who were supposed to be fooled. I could see that.

Anderson, the Normandy, and a Turian Spectre? Yeah, this is so not just a stealth test or whatever it was supposed to be.

The presence of a Spectre automatically attracts attention. No one is really all that sure what they do because they're so rare and so most people never see them. We are all agreed that they answer only to the Council and so can do whatever they want and that makes them extremely badass. There are no human Spectres and the Alliance desperately wants that changed.

No one actually seems to like having a Spectre around, though, because the fact that they answer to no one but the Council makes them dangerous and they generally aren't around unless things are about to hit the fan. Being a Spectre must suck if no one ever wants you around. Still, there are perks in the 'feel free to ignore every law out there' area. I know that I can never keep track of all these strange laws that different places have. Not that I really make much of an effort but that's not actually the point.

Anyway, I finally left behind all the conspiracy theories to go see what Anderson wanted and it turned out that the Turian Spectre (I did not know his name at the time but I have since learned it to try and not look stupid in front of the Council and it was Nihlus) was there and Anderson wasn't and he wanted to talk to me.

I guess he was trying to be cryptic or something but he just ended up confusing me and I don't like being confused. He was talking about how Eden Prime (the world we were headed to) was a symbol of how far humans had come or something and then solemnly asked if we were ready for that kind of responsibility. The…responsibility of having a colony? I don't know if he missed the memo or something but we've had colonies for a generation now so it's a little late to start fretting about that. You might as well ask if we're ready for the responsibility of space flight.

But then Anderson came in and it turned out that Nihlus was actually probably talking about whether or not humanity is ready for me to be a Spectre.

Um…What? You can't just casually drop that information on someone!

Me? A Spectre? I don't even…

A Spectre is extremely important to humanity for obvious reasons. From the moment that we first knew that there was a Council, we knew that we had to be on it. Unfortunately, it's been thirty years or so (History? Not really my thing) and this has still not happened. Needless to say, people are getting pretty impatient.

But the thing about getting onto the Council is that it has to be done in steps. Or, at least we're pretty sure that it does. I'm reasonably certain that the Asari and Salarians co-founded the Council ages and ages ago and the Turians are the only species to ever be invited to join and that was only after they brought in the Krogan to smash down the Rachni. Or maybe it was when they helped stop the rampaging Krogan afterwards? Whatever, it likely had something to do with the Krogan.

So it's not like there's a lot of precedent and there are so many species that the line to be a Council race is obscenely long and I suspect that the Council races don't ever want to have to add anyone at all. The Asari probably only brought the Salarians along so it didn't look like they were the one master race ruling over all of us. And the Turians really pulled through and saved everybody so they almost had to on that front. But the more races achieve Council status the less prestigious the Council races will be.

Our plan is to slowly (well, if feels slow to us although the rest of the galaxy accuses us of being impatient) immerse ourselves into every aspect of Citadel life so that we can count as a proper, Citadel species and then…Well, I'm not really sure, actually. But we've got to get there first.

The first step was C-Sec and we have a few people there. I think we upset the Turians, actually, because our first C-Sec officer turned out to be a disgraceful drunk. We couldn't possibly get rid of him because we felt that calling attention to his failings would hurt us as a species. The Turians have no use for considerations other than sheer utility and so we lost some points with them over that. Not that we really care.

Does it seem like I don't like Turians? Well, I don't. I don't like Asari (especially Asari) or Salarians or any other species, either. I don't necessarily dislike them (except for the Asari, they're too damn superior for my tastes) but I'm just sort of awkward around them. I don't really have much experience around other species, though, so I suppose that might change at some point. Except probably not with the Asari. I'm just saying.

We have a few more C-Sec officers now but we have yet to make the big leap to Spectre. A Spectre is supposed to be the most elite of the elite, the best that a species has to offer. And since this will be our very first Spectre and influence whether there will be others in the future and how the galaxy sees us (as well as when we'll get our damned Council seat), this is even more important. This is perhaps the most important human position ever.

And they want to give it to me.

Now, I'm hardly the modest type. I am well-aware that I'm awesome and I'm not going to deny I've looked at people who have gotten themselves killed by being stupid and thought that if I were there things would have gone much better. I won't admit that publicly, of course, because that sounds horrible but it's totally true.

It's just that this is a huge responsibility. I don't want to be single-handedly responsible for handing us our Council seat (okay, fine, maybe I wouldn't mind that) or setting us back decades! And the thought that I am the best that humanity has to offer…That's kind of a worrying thought. I certainly don't feel like the best that we have to offer. Would anyone, in my position? Maybe that's actually a good sign.

And isn't anybody interested in whether or not I want to do this? Don't get me wrong, the perks would be wonderful but I really don't think I can or probably even should and I certainly don't want to be a failure. People always say that it's better to try and fail than to have never tried at all but, all things being equal, if I knew I was going to fail something I'd probably want to spare myself the humiliation of failing. But then, you never do know for sure, do you?

There's no way that my background won't be extensively dug into just to be considered and that's not really what I want. Everyone makes far too big of a deal about my so-called heroics during the Skyllian Blitz. I say 'so-called', of course, because a word like 'heroics' really doesn't seem to belong to real life.

What happened was this: I was on Elysium during some shore leave when suddenly a bunch of criminals (largely Batarians) starting attacking. The Alliance Navy destroyed the invading vessels but it took several hours for everything to fall into place on that front and in the meantime I 'single-handedly held off enemy troops during a breach in the defenses.' I'm not sure I really remember it that way. I mean, I remember that there was a breach in the defenses and I remembered wondering why nobody was taking charge and doing something about it instead of letting us get overrun. Then I remembered that I was there and could be the one to do something and so I did. Was it impressive? Perhaps. It felt a lot more desperate and suicidal while I was doing it.

But everyone seemed pretty impressed by what happened and I got the Star of Terra which legally makes me a hero so there you go.

That parts fine, I guess, but then there's my scandalous background. You see, I was born on Earth and, well…

And they just expect me to want to put myself through this.

Since there didn't really seem a tactful way of telling them to go bother someone else with this, I agreed to go down to Eden Prime to pick up some Prothean artifact, a beacon we think. Great. I get to do guard duty on some archeological wonder.

I don't like the Protheans either. Going through this, it seems like there's an awful lot I dislike but I don't really feel like there is. Just, well…virtually any species I come across. Well, that hardly sounds better does it?

But about the Protheans. All I ever hear is how wonderful and advanced and enlightened they were for having invented the Mass Relays and built the Citadel and how they all must have been so brilliant and we owe them everything and should really just bow down and worship them now despite the fact that they've been extinct for ages and we can't even tell what they would have looked like. Actually, I think that the Hanar already do that. It takes all kinds, I guess.

But I didn't have to like them to realize that everybody else is damn near obsessed with them and so discovering a rare artifact like that on a human world was a huge deal. It should have been a simple mission not really worthy of the attention of a Spectre candidate let alone an actual Spectre but it was high-profile and sometimes you get missions like that. I didn't think that many of the other missions that Nihlus and I were to go on together would be like that because high-profile but boring missions are all well and good but how are you supposed to judge someone based on them?

Unfortunately, right before we landed we got some rather unfortunate news. Ouch, there I go using 'unfortunate' twice in the same sentence. That doesn't look right, does it? If this were something official I'd erase it to keep myself from looking stupid but I figure that if I start censoring this now then I'll never write anything truthful and so the doubly unfortunate sentence shall stand. Perhaps I should stop calling attention to it?

Anyway, it was extremely unfortunate. There, that's better. There was this camera feed of a squad on Eden Prime – an almost annoying peaceful world! – under attack and then the camera being broken or something because the feed ended. Cleary there was some sort of issue here.

Nihlus just sort of ditched us, claiming he could move faster on his own but would let us know if he found anything interesting. I went with Alenko and Jenkins at a much slower rate. I was strangely tempted to shoot those balloon-y creatures off in the distance but that would make my subordinates think that I was odd and possibly sociopathic and there really wasn't any point. Besides, we were kind of busy with the Geth invasion.

Yeah, I said it. We had a Geth freaking invasion. No one had seen them since they kicked the Quarians off of their planet two hundred years ago and so God only knows how we managed to recognize them but we did and it's really weird. Kind of horrific, too, since they kept impaling the corpses on these strange spikes that came from the ground. Well, at least I hope it was the corpses that they were impaling. We think that that's how they make the husks (weird black and blue-ish zombies that are weak but super annoying and have an iron grip if they get too close to you).

Jenkins was kind of useless. I feel bad saying this because he's dead and everyone was so very traumatized by it but…so useless. When people were talking about him afterwards I was kind of wondering if this was the same Jenkins that I had met. He was sort of endearing, in a way, with his puppy dog enthusiasm but he was more annoying than anything. Every time I looked at him I couldn't help wondering how he had managed to not get himself killed yet. And, well, now he's managed to get himself killed.

Alenko says that it wasn't his fault, that the Geth weaponry tore through his shields immediately. Well, technically he said that it wasn't my fault and that the Geth weaponry just tore through his shields. But I figured that he also meant that it wasn't Jenkins fault because otherwise what do the shields matter? It was a bit annoying having only one man backing me up but I doubt that Jenkins would have been much use so it's all the same.

We weren't alone for long, either, as this woman I recognized from that video we saw of the Eden Prime attack earlier came running towards us and we quickly started killing Geth together. I was pleased to have her instead of Jenkins because the fact that she had survived this long when apparently literally every other member of her squad was killed meant that she had to be extremely badass.

That was surprising since my first impression of her was that she resembled a Barbie doll. I suppose that objectively there was not nearly as much pink in her armor as I'm remembering (it's actually mostly white, I think) but for some reason that's what I find myself focusing on. She didn't actually look like a Barbie or, God forbid, act like one but it's just that pink. I really hope I don't say something stupid about that later on but no promises.

I said the standard commander thing to say when someone has survived when other people had died and Williams – the woman – surprised me by saying that she already knew it wasn't her fault. Well that was convenient. More people should be like her. She explained what happened and how the attack had started from her point of view and we went looking for survivors (Alenko seemed very keen on this) and that damn beacon.

Nihlus was occasionally telling us about the Geth that he had seen but it really wasn't very helpful. The survivors were a little better. We met two scientists who gave us directions. The rational scientist told us some pretty standard things and told us not to listen to her troubled and rambling colleague. I kind of wish that I had now, actually, as he was saying some things that didn't make sense then but might actually kind of be important now. He said that there was a Turian there before the attack and that he was the Geth's leader or something. Also quite a bit about how we were all going to die but that's just not going to happen so whatever. Unfortunately, we didn't think that any other Turian besides Nihlus was on the planet and we knew that he hadn't been involved with the attack as he was with us. How very young and naïve we were.

We also ran into some smuggler who had seen the whole thing. And by 'the whole thing' I mean Nihlus' murder.

Before I go any further I should probably mention that I kind of liked Nihlus even though he was a Turian. He wasn't very condescending and made a point to insist that he didn't care what species I was because we just needed some qualified Spectres and getting one – qualified – human Spectre meant we'd be likely to get more. I think he really believed it. And from a Turian, too! He was a little too cryptic but he meant well and was reasonably friendly and I was a little sad to see him go.

He was apparently murdered by someone that he seemed to know and that he might have been friends with, according to our eyewitness. This second Turian's name was Saren and he's a Spectre as well. He shot Nihlus in the back and left. I had better not have to take the blame for this.

A Turian working with Geth didn't make any sense. Or, to be more precise, the Geth working with any organic at all given what had happened with the Quarians. Admittedly, the details on that are a little sparse but whatever it was can't make them particularly eager to try again. But I'll have time to puzzle this out later, I suppose.

We raced towards the Beacon and when we got there, Alenko got too close and started to shake and levitate and so I acted on instinct and knocked him out of the way. Given that we had no idea what that thing would do to him, it was good instinct but it also unfortunately meant that I was caught in its path instead and Williams made Alenko stay down so that he couldn't get back in the path. Fortunately, the Beacon didn't kill me. No, it just gave me a massive acid trip experience. It was just a bunch of jumbled up and truly disturbing images.

I'm trying to recall them and piece them together now and I think it was some sort of attack. That's…extremely unhelpful, I know, but there you have it. Were the Protheans the attackers or were they being attacked here? Or does the image have nothing to do with them?

Whatever that Beacon did to me (I'm not ruling out getting a tumor or something from this even if it takes awhile to develop), it knocked me out for fifteen solid hours and so Alenko and Williams had to bring me through a war-torn land and back to the ship. And apparently they also went back for Jenkins to give him a proper burial as I had promised Alenko that we would. I don't actually remember doing this but then I had not really been paying attention at the time since I just wanted to hurry up and so maybe I did.

Williams is still on the ship. She never actually met Jenkins but she feels kind of guilty about his death because she wouldn't have a spot if he hadn't died and opened one up. She's much better to have around than he was anyway so I'm not bothered. In fact, I told her that she belonged here and she seemed really heartened by that. Possibly that's because she seemed a little star-struck by my official hero badge (also known as the Medal of Terra) and admiration is always nice. Let's see if it lasts.

But yeah, going back, I awoke in the medical bay. Doctor Chakwas was there, of course, and didn't detect anything wrong with me so while that's not a complete guarantee it is certainly better than nothing. I was a little…unnerved that Alenko was apparently also in there waiting for me to wake up. Chakwas says that as an L2 biotic he has migraines and is lucky that the Alliance didn't really screw him over and so maybe that was there but still…Kind of weird…

He feels guilty apparently since he probably activated the Beacon and I got hit saving him. That's sweet, I guess. I'd be really annoyed at him if he didn't admit that my predicament was pretty much all his fault, actually. He wanted to know what was going on and he'd been pretty decent (not dying, not being useless, keeping me alive when I was unconscious, admitting he screwed up…) so I told him what Anderson told me.

Apparently he knew Saren and Saren is a Spectre and a total asshole. He didn't actually come out and say that last bit but it was pretty implied. This whole thing was a mess and nobody was going to want to deal with it. It would also be our word against Saren's and we had no proof while he was a Spectre and pinning the blame on him might be our only chances of salvaging my chances to become a Spectre. I still don't actually really want to be a Spectre but I don't want my chances sabotaged like this either.

We have to head to the Citadel and tell the Council our tale in person (if we can even get an audience) and that involves meeting with our ambassador. I don't remember what his name is and I've never met him either but I've heard that he's an asshole, too.

It's the worst day ever already and it's not even close to being done yet.


	2. Chapter 2

The thing about Ambassador Udina is that even when he's on your side, he's so obnoxious about it that it is damn impossible to like him.

He had already read the report when Williams, Alenko, Anderson and I showed up and he just gave us this look like we were personally hell-bent on ruining his life. He quickly called the Council with a petition to have Saren removed as a Spectre. The Council didn't want to hear it but they did promise they'd give us a hearing about the fact that Saren is a Spectre-killing, Geth-allying traitor. That…really doesn't sound very promising. Shouldn't Saren be the one with the hearing?

Udina took a moment after the petition was denied to continue to make it clear that he hated all of us on sight and then he took off for the hearing with Saren which was apparently this very day and in just a few minutes. Um, okay. So if the hearing was scheduled so soon (which is a good thing, I suppose) why in the world couldn't Udina wait to bring up the part about getting Saren removed from Spectre duty until then? No wonder the Council was so annoyed.

Also, why in the world did Udina and Anderson just sort of walk off without us and expect us to be able to find our way? Because since we were going to the exact same place at the exact same time, it really seems to me t hat it would make more sense to all go together. I guess they know best, though. I am really, really terrible with direction and navigation and I've never even been to…wherever the Council meeting was so it took awhile to find it. I might have asked Alenko or Williams but, well, they're my subordinates and so it's kind of an embarrassing question.

I stopped by to talk to one of those AI's on my way to the meeting. (What? If Anderson and Udina are not going to take this seriously by making sure I can get to the place on time when I know that Anderson, at least, knows how terrible I am about finding places then I'm not going to hurry) It quickly assured me that it is actually a virtual intelligence and not a true artificial intelligence because artificial intelligence led to things like the Geth and were thus pure evil and legally mandated to be destroyed on sight.

Kind of harsh, really. No wonder they're all evil and out to kill everyone. Although this might be a chicken or an egg scenario.

The VI's name was Avina and I'm sure that it's an acronym but may I just say that 'Avina' is a perfectly lovely name. It's exactly the kind of name I'd give a child if I ever had one. Given my job and the fact that taking a year off to have a baby would probably ruin everything it's unlikely that this will ever happen but Avina is a wonderful name anyway.

Since I know far less about the Citadel and the Council and whatnot than I probably should before going into a meeting to try and get the Council to sideline their favorite Spectre, I asked some questions that caused Williams and Alenko to look at me like there might be something wrong with me. I should have made them wait out of hearing range.

What I heard was a little alarming. The Council was founded thousands of years ago and the only addition was over a thousand years ago when the Turians, as I mentioned earlier, did something with the Krogan. Avina is a tourist guide and thus will share this information with anyone who asks but I really don't think calling non-Council races 'lesser races' who want to feel like they have a voice in the government and can't handle being on the Council is very diplomatic. It certainly pissed me off.

And then there are the Keepers! We don't know what they are or how they communicate or if they communicate or what they do or…well, anything at all about them really and yet we're all just fine with that. We're not even allowed to bother them in the slightest because it's assumed that they must be vital to the running of the Citadel…which no one knows anything about nor cares to learn about. And there's a 'monument' which we don't even know is a monument but that academics like to waste their time with by speculating on what the Protheans were trying to tell us when they built it.

Spoiler alert: Nothing. They were not anticipating their mysterious extinction when they built it and they certainly were not trying to give us hints on their hidden nature. And it's not like we'll ever know if we're right or not in our speculations so this whole thing just seems like a colossal waste of time.

Dear God, I've never come across more complacency and less curiosity in my life! This would never fly with the Alliance. Are other races just naturally less curious than humans or do species become that way after prolonged exposure to the Citadel and not having to create anything because the Mass Relays and whatnot were passed down to us by the geniuses who actually built them? I know that the Alliance hasn't really pressed any of this even though I know that they want to because we have bigger priorities right now. I certainly hope we'll never have to turn into them.

I also stopped by the C-Sec office and talked to the Turian in charge. I don't like him because he made me do something I find deeply repellent: consider that my viewpoint might not necessarily be correct. He doesn't trust humanity and thinks that we're pushing too far, too fast. From our perspective, it's been a generation already but given how long people usually have to wait for things in the Citadel, I guess I can see why people are considering this 'fast.' I don't agree but I can see it.

He did agree with me that Saren was out of control which I liked but thought it was because he was a Spectre and the fact that Spectres can do literally whatever they want whenever they want to as long as the Council doesn't care (and they're apparently very busy so they usually don't). He agrees for the need of Spectres but thinks that having a group with virtually no oversight might be a recipe for disaster. Let me tell you, it is really hard to argue with people when they're being so reasonable but if I have to be a Spectre (and the possibility of that actually seems to be dwindling at the moment) then I don't want to be one that actually has to be held accountable for their actions! Talk about dull.

Yeah, I'm probably just proving his point, aren't I? But whatever, it is not up to either of us.

By the time I finally got to the meeting place (in a building you apparently can't even enter unless you have official business so way to feel important there), the meeting had apparently already started. I really didn't take all that long to get there so that's really odd. And then there's the fact that Anderson was waiting for me outside and the C-Sec leader I spoke to earlier who also somehow managed to beat me there (though he didn't take the same route I did or I would have seen him) was also outside and arguing with some other Turian named Garrus something or other who was running the Saren investigation. It's been about two day since we reported Saren to the Citadel and so it's hardly surprising he wasn't able to come up with much of a case but he's convinced that Saren is dirty and told me that he hoped we'd get him. We didn't but maybe he can help with that.

Seriously, why did Garrus only have two days to investigate anyway? Are the Council even trying? I would have thought that the C-Sec leader, given his distaste for Spectres, would have put some actual effort into it but I suppose that if the Council doesn't want him to then there's really not much that he can do.

Saren was either off-planet or incredibly inconsiderate as he only showed up in via hologram like the Council. He was rude and condescending, lambasting Anderson of all people and accusing him of having ulterior motives and just hating Saren personally. It turns out that Anderson used to work with Saren and saw him being a sociopathic monster and complained about it but nothing ever came of it and maybe that's the sort of thing that I should have known in advance. Just a thought.

The Council didn't want to punish Saren or maybe it was just not wanting to set a precedent of holding Spectres accountable or, if I'm feeling generous, for letting lesser groups bring down Spectres and lessen their effectiveness. They weren't impressed by our lack of evidence but I'm not impressed with our two days to find evidence. Saren wasn't even trying to pretend that he cared and made snide remarks about humanity and my 'dreams.' Why he and the Council both insisted that my vision could not be used as evidence against Saren when it had nothing to do with Saren or anything recognizable is beyond me. Did they even read the report? And the Turian Councilor was practically Saren's cheerleader!

I may have gotten a little snippy when the Council asked if I had anything to add but the fact that once the case was officially rested they didn't even need to adjourn to consult each other or even had to pause for a minute to think about it made it clear that the hearing was just a courtesy and they were never actually going to do anything. Maybe they were trying to be polite but I dislike being humored.

And my reaction was nothing compared to Udina's. I did, to my everlasting horror and shame, feel kind of bad for him when we were dismissed. They weren't exactly very respectful to him and he'd just lost two important cases one after the other and it might sort of have something to do with me. He just looked so defeated, standing there right after the Council had left. His job must truly be a thankless one. The Council never wants to give him any more than what he already has, the Alliance is always pushing for more as nothing is ever good enough, and nobody appreciates his efforts.

Of course, he quickly ruined any and all sympathy he might have been entitled to by taking it out on us as if it were somehow our fault we came to him with unsubstantiated claims and Anderson showed up despite the fact that apparently even the Council knows of his deep and abiding hatred of Saren. Not that I blame him, of course. I've never actually met Saren in person but after this meeting I think that I hate him, too.

Udina kicked Anderson off the case so that his hatred won't further hamper us and that means that I have to go and find compelling proof that Saren is a traitor. And, what's more, the proof will need to be found here on the Citadel. What the hell? It's like he thinks I'm some kind of miracle worker or something. This is pretty much an impossible task but since I get to go out and do things and Udina called Anderson to his office to yell at him, I guess I win.

I have two leads. There's the drunken and long-standing disgrace of C-Sec Harkin who was recently suspended and might be able to help me find Garrus so that we may rant about how much Saren sucks and then team up to bring him down or there's some Volus who is supposed to work for the Shadow Broker. Incidentally, I don't like the Shadow Broker either. He just seems like some kind of deranged stalker knowing everything about everyone (how soon before he hacks this?) and makes everyone play a game no one can win all buying information on everyone else.

I really don't want to go talk to either of them and it's been a really long day so I think I'll put it off and deal with it tomorrow.

If I had it my way I'd probably mean it in the Scarlett O'Hara sense but, well, Udina will probably make me actually do this. I do not like that man.

\----

We met with the Volus. The thing that I do not like specifically about the Volus is that their breathing apparatus makes their voice all tinny and they sound like they have perpetual asthma. This Volus in particular apparently doesn't actually work for the Shadow Broker personally (to be fair, he has a point about that being stupidly dangerous) but he does sell information to him occasionally.

I didn't actually have to pay anything to find out that Saren betrayed the Shadow Broker and he's not stupid so something huge must be going on. Well, he's working with the Geth and killing friends of his so I think that's pretty bloody obvious. I'm to go talk to some Krogan currently being detained by C-Sec who was paid to kill Saren or something and find out more. Well, I guess it's a start or something.

Since we're going to go talk to this Krogan and happened to walk by the giant Krogan statue that I somehow failed to notice until Williams pointed it out, I decided to ask the local Avina about them. They were brought in to the greater galaxy to deal with the Rachni after the Rachni had been off on a three century killing spree. Then four centuries later they started a rebellion themselves that lasted for a century and was only stopped by the introduction of the Turians. I'm starting to sense a pattern about the newcomers being the only one who can get shit done.

We're the newcomers currently. History would dictate that we are here to stop the Turians and Saren is most certainly a Turian but I will reserve judgment for now. Although it would be a great way to get on the Council. We could even take the Turian seat. Just saying.

Alenko said something rather awkward when we were looking out at the view which basically amounts to he finds me incredibly attractive but, perhaps it was the awkward delivery, it was kind of sweet. Completely out there but I didn't get any disrespectful vibes from it and Williams seemed to find it funny so I will let it go for now.

I ran into some reporter, Emily Wong, who asked me if I could turn over any evidence of corruption I find to her for publication. She really wasn't at all specific so I guess she'd be willing to publish whatever. That's pretty ballsy so I said why not? I probably won't remember and it's not like this makes the slightest bit of difference but it's out there. She'll track me down if she really cares.

I also met a fan. I am getting a weird feeling about him despite the fact that introducing himself, smiling a lot, gushing about being my greatest fan, and asking for my autograph are actually pretty standard as far as these things go. I've been famous since the Blitz and I guess my fame will be growing now. Possibly my infamy if we can't get this thing with Saren resolved satisfactorily. Conrad Verner. I hope I have seen the last of him because he is giving me a serious stalker vibe.

I went to a bar to find Harkin (suspended for drinking on the job and he heads to a bar first thing? Dude has got a problem) and Williams made it clear that she did not like being there. She kept making snide comments about all the dancing girls (mostly Asari and I do not understand the fascination with Asari. They are not beautiful, they are blue and have weird tentacle things on their head) and the guys who are drooling over them. Alenko, typically, was defending them.

When Harkin saw me he seemed to think I was some sort of costumed stripper. Or at least that's what I hope he thought. He was very sleazy and I had to threaten to shoot him on the spot before he'd stop it and answer my questions. He told me where to find Garrus but he also made enough snide comments about how Anderson was terrible and a brown-noser and was actually secretly a Spectre for all of five minutes and then got fired for being terrible that Harkin has no idea how close he came to death.

I don't even believe him about Anderson anyway. I mean, sure, I'll believe that he fits Harkin's definition of brown-nosing which is pretty much just being respectful. I'll never believe that he's terrible though because, aside from being my personal hero and mentor who thinks I'm awesome, he's one of the most decorated soldiers the Alliance has and that just doesn't happen if you're terrible. Also, there's no way that Anderson would secretly be a Spectre no matter how short the appointment was. Something like that would be Big News and everyone would have heard all about it.

How did Harkin ever make C-Sec in the first place? I mean, I can understand why they wouldn't want to look bad by firing him but how did he make the cut to begin with? And he was the first! They really couldn't think of someone halfway competent? Hell, they could have put Anderson there! He would have been utterly wasted but he wouldn't fail as much as Harkin. I guess he wouldn't have been this bad twenty years ago when he first started before all the pressure and the red tape and disgrace got to him but…Nope, still can't see it. I wonder if I can blame this on Udina or if that was before his time.

If I don't check then I can make a judgment call, can't I?

At least Harkin freely admits to being a pig but that really doesn't make it better. Self-awareness in this case robs him of any excuse not to try to stop failing to much.

We went to go find Garrus at some free clinic and found a doctor being threatened by some thug about keeping her mouth shut. When he saw me, he immediately took the doctor (Dr. Michele, I think) hostage in that typical hostage position and his men got ready to shoot. Garrus came out of nowhere and shot the guy holding Dr. Michele hostage, saving her. She got down or something (I wasn't looking but she survived the fight) while the four armed people took care of the threat.

This isn't exactly my first impression but it's the first time I stopped to have an impression and I've got to say that I think that I like Garrus. He just stepped out in the middle of the hostage situation and saved the day with one well-placed bullet and then coolly thanked me after it was all over. He couldn't have anticipated me showing up and yet he made it work for him. And when I felt sort of obligated to point out that, while what he did was super badass, it might have gotten the doctor killed he immediately sobered and apologized for endangering her. I'm not sure how Harkin knew he'd be at Dr. Michele's since he must not have been there for very long if he hadn't been visible before the thugs showed up but I guess Harkin must not fail at everything, as hard as that is for me to believe.

And when I asked why he wanted to stop Saren since they were both Turians (actually kind of a ridiculous question looking back on it as I certainly want to stop Harkin and he's not even a threat to anyone, really) and he made it clear that he doesn't consider Saren one of his own. I get that, I really do. He also asked to come with me but made it clear that he's not going to try to take things over and he'll do it my way. I guess he doesn't really have a choice since his case is over while mine isn't and there are more of my people than there are of him but even if that's the reason then not everyone is smart enough to pick up on that.

Best of all, he knows that the Krogan's name is Wrex and we're going straight to the Academy after this to go see if he'll join up with us to take down Fist.

Oh, right. Fist. First of all, that's a really stupid name. I kept thinking that they were saying 'Fisk' or something even though it sounded like 'Fist' because who names someone 'Fist'? It must be a nickname. But if it is, it's still pretty stupid.

It turns out that the reason that Dr. Michele was in such a precarious position was because she met this Quarian girl who wanted protection from the Shadow Broker – for the Shadow Broker to protect her and not someone to protect her from him – and Fist (who owns this night club, I think) works for him. Dr. Michele sent her off to go see him but what the Quarian doesn't know is that Fist has recently betrayed the Shadow Broker and thrown his lot in with Saren. Wow. That seems to be happening a lot lately and so I guess the Shadow Broker is going to really have to clean house or else nobody is going to take him seriously anymore. Which side am I on? Team Not Saren or Team Not Shadow Broker? I can't stay neutral since I've got a Quarian to find and neutrality kind of makes me ill.

The Quarian girl (whose name no one thought to ask) is walking straight into a trap. We care for two reasons. One, we don't like it when innocents are senselessly murdered. Two and more specifically, she is trying to trade information she has for safety. The safety she needs is probably because of that information she has, come to think of it. But it's a little late to un-learn it, isn't it?

Dr. Michele doesn't know the specifics but she does know that it has something or other to do with the Geth. That probably means that, given Saren's extreme reaction to it and the fact that he and Fist are willing to risk their lives betraying the Shadow Broker for it, it is damning enough to be able to bring Saren down if we bring it before the Council.

Wow. That is super convenient. It took about two hours after getting assigned the task to figure out how to get compelling and conclusive proof that we are right about Saren. And we didn't even have to leave the Citadel! Life usually doesn't work that way but I'm certainly not complaining.

One weird thing was that as we left to go get Wrex, Williams, Alenko, and Garrus (called by his first name by virtue of me not knowing his last name) all volunteered to go and wait somewhere for me to need them. It's like, what makes you think that I have some sort of obsessive two subordinates policy? Sure, you can't bring too many people but four is most certainly not too many. And if I want to, I'll bring the whole damn crew down here; I'm sure Anderson won't mind. But for now, the four of us work for me.

And when we find Wrex, it's going to be the five of us.

I bet they just want more shore leave.


	3. Chapter 3

Right. So there were two choices. We could go after Fist ourselves immediately or we could NOT potentially face an angry Krogan at the end of this. I haven't come face-to-face with many Krogan and I've certainly never pissed one off. I rather suspect that there was some sort of correlation between that and my continued well-being.

Krogan are notoriously belligerent and so even just approaching him about the possibility of working together might have caused him to try to kill me but I figured that, since I really did need to speak with Fist and I have a healthy respect for the lethal prowess of the Krogan, I really did need to deal with Wrex in some way or another and this seemed like it might end the least badly for me. At the very least I'd deal with him then and not have to worry about him ambushing me at an inopportune moment. Not that I really think that Krogan are much for ambushing but, well, you always have to think about the consequences of being wrong. I'm going to assume that Wrex does ambush people and not put myself in that position.

So we got to the C-Sec Academy (why is it called the Academy? I'd ask but it seems like one of those things that are just too self-evident to ask about) and have the good fortune to arrive precisely when Wrex and a C-Sec officer were threatening each other – Wrex won – and Wrex left.

I told Wrex that I needed to deal with Fist, Wrex threatened to kill me if I got in his way, I told him that I really needed to deal with Fist, and he agreed to team up with me. Well, that was easy and quite a bit less bloody than I had expected.

Evidently Alenko and Williams had been talking as they both attempted to get some extra shore leave as Wrex came aboard.

Somehow or other (maybe the fact that Wrex is telling the world that he is out to kill Fist or the fact that betraying the Shadow Broker is considered a form of suicide on 39 different planets), Fist had clearly heard that someone was out to kill him and had shut his bar up and hired a bunch of thugs to shoot anybody who came in. I really hope that he made some sort of public announcement I didn't hear about to save his clientele. Of course, those who pre-game might be too wasted to know to stay out even in the event of a warning.

I had a rather surreal experience behind one locked door. To begin with, there were hostile men with guns there and yet they were not shooting at me. Wrex nearly blew them away before he even realized (cared?) that they were not attacking us but he didn't.

They didn't seem all that keen on attacking us, really, and Garrus identified them as crappy warehouse guards called to serve because we killed all of the real guards. That was a lovely little status report right there. I took a stab in the dark and told them to go away and let us get to Fist. And you know what? They did just that. Garrus said that that tactic never would have occurred to him and, honestly, it really shouldn't have worked. They are either being seriously underpaid or they are worth every credit they're not getting.

But anyway, we got to Fist with far less fuss than we probably should have. He's either a coward or not a fool and so he wasn't particularly eager to fight us after we'd slaughtered all of his guards. Anyone who could legitimately face down a threat that annihilated his guards only actually needs guards for the convenience of not having to deal with idiots who try to kill him.

Fist said that the Quarian refused to give him the information and wanted to deal with the Shadow Broker directly. No one deals with the Shadow Broker directly…at least not that they're aware of. Maybe that Volus is the Shadow Broker and I'd never even know. I highly doubt it but that's what would make it so brilliant. Everyone knows no one deals with the Shadow Broker and this Quarian's information about Saren, while potentially very interesting to certain parties, is not nearly galaxy-shattering enough to change this policy. The Quarian apparently doesn't know this, though, so instead of killing her himself, Fist cheerfully sent her off to meet with agents of Saren and washed his hands of the matter. What a hero.

We continue to have amazing timing and had a few minutes before the Quarian meeting was to take place. Let me tell you, my timing is not usually this good so there is only one explanation. I've had fantastic timing ever since Eden Prime and so either Alenko or Williams must be a good luck charm. Probably Alenko because his entire squad didn't die on him. Jenkins died but I'm counting that one as a positive.

Fist asked me if I was going to kill him or if he could get back to disappearing into the ether for betraying the Shadow Broker (then why do it in the first place? Idiot) and I told him that it literally made no difference to me whether he lived or died. Wrex took the news well and promptly shot Fist in the head. Alenko was upset by this but Wrex was unrepentant and I pointed out that we knew Wrex was out to kill Fist when we brought him. Williams muttered something about not being the one to invite him and I readily acknowledged that as true. She just sighed and shook her head. Strange.

But yeah, we arrived in just enough time to save the Quarian from being murdered and might have even made it with time to spare if I hadn't gotten lost. But I did.

I'm not sure if she was grateful or not. She said that she could take care of herself which made me think no but then she also said that she'd repay me for saving her life by giving me her Saren information so maybe that is a yes after all. More people should give me things for saving them. Except now I think that I'm her bodyguard or something.

Wrex has no reason whatsoever to stick around but I'm not about to tell him to get lost and he's not only heard of me but has heard good things so I suppose that I don't mind having a Krogan around to help me kill people. Actually, thinking again, this is in no way a bad thing. Well, as long as he doesn't make a habit of killing people that I'm not out to kill. There's a good chance that that was just because he was hired to kill Finch but, well, the jury is still out.

The Quarian introduced herself as Tali…something. Honestly I'm bad enough with human last names so I shouldn't even start on alien ones. Tali it is. She doesn't seem to like being called 'the Quarian' so I should really stop doing that.

I really haven't run into very many Quarians since they pretty much all live in their flotilla (a fleet of extremely eclectic ships) and no one actually wants them around draining resources. I asked Tali about why she wasn't there and she said that Quarians have really hard-core rites of passages called pilgrimages where they leave and can't come back until they find something that will improve life for them. That sounds pretty impossible since they know little of the greater galaxy and probably don't leave with much to help them (they can't be given a ship so are they just dropped off somewhere?) and I'm surprised that anyone ever successfully completes it and heads back. Maybe they just have really low standards for what counts as improving life there. She acted like I really should have known this but I'm not sure if that's her perspective as someone who has been immersed in that culture her entire life or if I really should have known that.

We took her to Udina who was his charming self. Once he got him to understand that Tali had useful information, we played the tape for the first time. It turns out that she does, in fact, have some useful information. We really should have played it before taking the matter to Udina to make sure that we weren't wasting everyone's time and, more to the point, I didn't look stupid. At least he had the foresight to make us play it for him before taking it to the Council. I mean, just because Tali thought it was important and the rumor of information on Saren spooked the bad guys didn't necessarily mean that there was anything there.

It was a Geth data core that, even though they fry them when destroyed, Tali managed to salvage a few very convenient scraps of data from. Saren was saying something about…Well, actually I don't really remember. I really should have written that down. He mentioned that he succeeded on Eden Prime, I know, and some female voice mentioned the return of the Reapers. I'd never heard of the Reapers but the Geth think that they're a race of super-machines who annihilated the Protheans 50,000 years ago.

Well, it's as good a theory as any.

That's when the meeting just got completely stupid.

Tali decided to stay around because the pilgrimage is about giving of yourself or some nonsense and so she's practically required to save the galaxy from the Reapers that Saren's bringing.

Wait, what? What?

I did not sign up for any galaxy-saving! The galaxy is really, really big and anything that could destroy all of it (or at least all of the parts that we know of) sounds far too big of a job for me to want to deal with. What happened to just stopping one rogue Spectre gone mad with power? I am not looking to stop a race of super-sentient machines that wiped out the Protheans 50,000 years ago! And everybody's acting like it's a done deal or something, like just because Saren and the Geth believe it then it must be true and I have to deal with it.

Well…Everybody but Udina. It's strange but I think he's beginning to grow on me.

Because seriously, this is not happening.

He and Anderson went off (you know, they are spending a lot of time together, just saying) to go set up a Council meeting and I guess the Council is just really not busy at all because we're supposed to follow in just a few minutes and get right into that meeting.

Or maybe this is why the galaxy thinks we're super arrogant, the fact that we think we can just do things like that?

Couldn't be.

\----

I preempted Williams and Alenko's attempt to leave by letting them know that I thought the six of us would really get a lot out of that Council meeting. Seriously, what is it with them whenever someone new comes along?

Okay, this is kind of bullshit right here. I left literally three minutes after Anderson and Udina did and I've been there before so I wasn't actually lost and got there about as quick as is humanly possible. And yet somehow, again, I arrive after the meeting starts. Why can't I ever be there for the start of the meeting?

Saren wasn't summoned holographically this time or perhaps he was but knew we'd gotten to Tali first and didn't want to actually have to face the Council in person when he was getting yelled at and stripped of his Spectre status. I knew that in his shoes I'd be ducking their calls as well.

I arrived just in time to hear the recording again and I learned from my mistake. They are looking for the Conduit. Whatever that is.

Now, as far as I know the tape was just directly played. They certainly had no time to authenticate it and I refuse to believe that Saren's voice sounds so unique that, with no identification, it couldn't be one of numerous other Turians. Still, if that's what the Council wants to call 'irrefutable evidence' then I'm all for it. Well, in this case at least. In other cases I think that that's a system doomed to miscarriages of justice and mistakes every time you turn around. But in this case, yeah, it's a really great thing.

He was promptly stripped of his Spectre status and then the hard part began. They said that they would make 'all efforts' to bring him to justice but it quickly became apparent that that was not actually true. They couldn't send a fleet in because not only is a fleet of ships not really much use in locating one singular person in hiding in this galaxy but it might spark a war and we really don't want that. Our other option appeared to be doing nothing and hoping that somebody might stumble upon him until the Asari Councilor hit on a happy medium.

The Turian Councilor seemed to know exactly what she was talking about because he said it was too soon and that 'they' weren't ready so I guess she'd been pulling for us for awhile. Apparently the only other option is to have me become humanity's first human Spectre and go hunt Saren down. I would have pointed out that they could have just had another Spectre (made another Spectre if everyone else was busy) but since the whole point of all of this was making me a Spectre I knew better than to sabotage myself. I think then Udina might actually kill me and, worse, I might actually deserve it.

But seriously, what happened to 'You must go on a series of missions with an experienced Spectre who will evaluate your capabilities'? Whatever. This Council clearly has no idea what it's doing.

And I found it very interesting that the Turian Councilor's objection were that they were not ready and not she were not ready. Was not. Was not ready. Either for some reason he's referring to me in the plural or having a Spectre isn't just about the Spectre's capabilities but their species as a whole needs to qualify or something. Which might have been humanity's whole position since they started this campaign (twenty years ago if you believe Harkin and I don't) but I didn't think that the Council would be that open about it. But I guess maybe a half-finished startled declaration might not count as being open about it.

The ceremony was pretty cool. They gave me a nice speech about how awesome Spectres were that was nothing like that C-Sec guy's complaints about how much potential for abuse there is. Apparently I'm an ideal now and if anybody in the galaxy hadn't heard of me…Well, they will have now. All they needed to do was have the three of them press a button at the same time so either making someone a Spectre is really, really easy for the Council or they already had most of the work done on me. Even though I was told barely anyone even gets in this building and you have to have special permission (despite the fact that the Council isn't even here), there were plenty of people around to lean off of balconies and witness my crowning moment.

Apparently I get to have a special ceremony later. It will probably be really boring but also really awesome because it will be celebrating how awesome I am and how can that possibly be a bad thing?

There was one other part of the meeting that I kind of want to block out but I suppose that I really can't avoid it forever. I became a Spectre specifically to hunt Saren down and stop him and that means facing what he's doing. The female voice was identified by the Asari Councilor as Matriarch Benezia and when I asked who she was the Councilor gave me a condescending little explanation about what a Matriarch was and I actually already knew that. People can ask who one specific Matriarch is without needing to know what a Matriarch even is, you know. I really don't like the Asari even if the Asari Councilor was the one who was evidently pulling for me to make Spectre. They're just so damn smug and superior and trusting in the fact that everyone finds them wildly attractive. The fact that everyone but me seems to find them wildly attractive is beside the point.

The Salarian Councilor asked me what the Reapers were. What was I supposed to say about that? I don't know what the Reapers are! I know that the Geth worshipped them as gods and think that they wiped out the Protheans 50,000 years ago and that the recording makes it clear that Saren and Benezia think that they can bring them back.

Anderson seemed quite convinced that they could and would succeed if we didn't stop them and that everything the Geth believe is literal truth but I have no idea why. How would the Geth, created mere centuries ago, have knowledge of this when no one else did? And even if that did happen, if the Reapers became extinct or something then how exactly is Saren proposing to bring them back? The whole thing is really absurd. I mean, I'm not suggesting that we don't investigate (it's all about the consequences of being wrong again. The consequences are either looking really stupid about believing something ridiculous or all being killed by Reapers so, yes, let's investigate) and I'm sure that in the course of dealing with Saren I'll figure out the truth.

I just don't see why Anderson is so damn convinced by all of this rather shaky evidence. Or maybe he's just covering his doubts because he knows how this will sound to the Council and how hard it will be to sell and so he knows that any doubts on his part will be used as an excuse to just dismiss the whole thing out of hand right now. Anderson also thinks that my psychedelic vision means that I saw the Reapers destroying the Protheans. It's my damn vision and I'm not sure. I mostly just saw a bunch of flashes of light and shape. It could be that, I guess. It could also be an acid trip. I'm just saying.

The Council didn't seem convinced as it is, possibly because I kept phrasing things in terms of 'the Geth believe that the Reapers killed the Protheans' and 'I suppose that technically it is within the realm of possibility that the Reapers could come back and kill us all.' But you know, I'm really not convinced at all.

The Turian Councilor really summed up my doubts nicely with his rather pointed questions we can't answer. We need to look for answers to these questions, obviously, but we're being given the opportunity to do just that. The Salarian Councilor kind of annoyed me when he said that Saren is clearly just pretending to bring back the Reapers and plan on destroying all life everywhere to appease the Geth because, while that is certainly a valid possibility, we don't know that so it's not 'clearly.' And then there's the fact that it can't be a convenient smokescreen like he was implying (and further implying we were stupid for believing it) for us because we were never supposed to hear this.

So yeah, after two meetings with the Council I've decided that the Asari Councilor is condescending and annoying, the Salarian Councilor is narrow-minded and annoying, and the Turian Councilor is kind of awesome and I hope that if there is any truth to these wild and unsubstantiated claims that I will be able to prove it to him.

I don't know what it is but I'm seriously reconsidering my previous opinion about Turians after having met three that I like in quick succession. Sure, it is absolutely bullshit to hold a species that you know has no possible way of knowing that they were breaking a law to the standards of that law and fire on them without even alerting them to the law first and requesting that they stop but that was ages ago and I don't even remember the war so maybe it's time to move on. No promises, though.

Once the meeting was over, Udina was still not happy even though he got his human Spectre. Despite the fact that he would have been part of bringing me to the attention of the Council in the first place, he's really not looking to happy that it's me. But then, before we met he probably had no idea how complicated I'd make something like a simple Spectre promotion. Not that any of this is my fault in the slightest, however. And who can blame him for not being happy when we've got to deal with this Reaper threat and kind of hope that there's something to it or else end up looking really stupid?

Well…apparently the people with me can blame him. Have a little empathy, guys!

I spoke with an Admiral Kahoku of the Alliance on my way out. His line: "I'm getting stone-walled by bureaucratic assholes" cemented him as awesome in my book. He's looking for his team that went missing and now nobody's allowed in the area so he asked me to check it out and I said that I would. I mean, I probably won't but if I really have nothing better to do I might look into it.

And I stopped by Emily Wong again because I happened to be walking right past her and she called to get my attention. Someone – not me – grabbed Fisk's files and so I sold them to her. I promised to give her an interview, too, which I may or may not actually do and she gave me a lot of credits. So yeah.

Then I headed back to the ship and found Udina and Anderson waiting for me with news that really belonged in the Worst Day Ever I had the other day.

It turns out that I'm getting the Normandy and all the same crew which is good. I really like the Normandy and now that Jenkins is dead I like the crew. The only problem is that apparently Anderson isn't going to be reassigned. For reasons that have not been explained (read: Udina really fucking hates him), he's stepping down and going to get a lame desk job.

I know he only agreed to this because I'm his protégé, he hates Saren as much as Udina hates him, and seems to really think that we're all going to be wiped out like the Protheans if we don't stop Saren. I had better succeed because this whole thing is making me sick. Even as a Spectre, though, (maybe especially as a Spectre as technically I don't answer to the Alliance anymore even though I so totally will. I love the Alliance) there's nothing I can do about this.

Anderson is very stoic about it and having to reassure me which is all kinds of wrong and just making the situation worse. He also outright told me to ignore my mission of finding Saren because that's just not going to happen so instead I should look for the Conduit and follow the Geth. They've been stopped on Feros and Noveria so I should look there and Benezia has a daughter Liara who is off…somewhere…I don't really see why she matters at all since I'm sure she's not going to go around confiding her evil plans in family members but whatever. She's an expert on Protheans so I guess that's something.

Then, after Udina left, I made the mistake of asking Anderson what happened with him and Saren and he told me this really long, boring story about it. The gist of it is that twenty years ago Saren was Anderson's Nihlus but he apparently really hates humans and subtlety and loves explosions so when they were sent in to stealthily kidnap a scientist and then eliminate him, Saren instead decided to set off an explosion that killed something like 500 people. And then he blamed it on Anderson for 'blowing his cover' or something because Saren is kind of an asshole.

I can see why that would have destroyed Anderson's chances at being a Spectre but I'm afraid that I do not see why the Council sent their best Spectre to test a possible recruit or why, if the Council thought humanity was ready twenty years ago, it took just one failure before they decided that we're not ready now.

This just further proves my theory that they're all incompetent.

Or at least the Salarian and Asari Councilors are.


	4. Chapter 4

I would have liked to stay and explore the Citadel but I guess that I can't expect anybody to believe that there is any real urgency here if I'm just going to screw around on the Citadel. I can come back and do just that after completing one of my missions. Probably looking for that Asari doctor for all I doubt she'll be any help since that will probably take less time than finding out what Saren's plotting in those other place and foiling it. Well, as long as I'm right that she's not actually involved and Anderson is right that she is at a Prothean dig site. If not, well, this could get rather complicated and be like the whole needle haystack thing.

I'll admit it. I didn't want to face the crew after accidentally getting their captain fired so I kind of ran and hid in the cockpit. Of course, Joker was there and the minute I walked in he brought Anderson up and buried me under some pretty crushing guilt. Sure he said it wasn't my fault and I agree that I Have little to do with Udina hating Anderson but maybe without my need for a ship Udina wouldn't have had this opportunity.

After Joker was done quite thoroughly depressing me, he decided to pull a complete 180 and cheer me up by describing just how awesome my new ship is. I knew what he was doing and I promised myself that it wouldn't work but…Well, it totally did. I'm only human and it's a really nice ship.

I realized that, as entertaining as I find Joker, I knew virtually nothing about him and as his captain that might be a problem and so I asked him to tell me something about himself. I was expecting him to give me some smartass remark or at the very least to give me a completely perfunctory piece of information ("I'm 5'8", for instance). Instead…Well, apparently Joker is a little paranoid.

He immediately 'realized' what I must secretly be asking. He went on a rant about how he's the best damn pilot that the Alliance has (something I'd heard before) and that his disease hasn't given him any special treatment (something I hadn't heard about).

I wish that I could say that I responded with something more eloquent than, "Disease? What disease? You're not contagious, are you? Because if you are and I get sick then I swear-" But, well, that's kind of exactly what happened.

Joker mercifully cut me off, looking annoyed at himself for telling me when I didn't already know but , as his captain, I was probably going to find out at some point anyway. Apparently Joker's disease is probably not contagious but no one knows what caused it. He has brittle easily-breakable bones and didn't appreciate me asking if it was like bird bones. I guess, looking back, that might have been insensitive.

And then Joker felt the need to reassure me about his abilities which was really quite unnecessary because nothing had actually changed, just my perception of it, and he's a great pilot. So great, in fact, that he'd take being called great as an insult. Still, it seemed rude to interrupt him. And then he was no less irritable when I asked about his nickname. You'd think that if he hated his nickname so much he'd leave it behind like I did with mine after my dark past.

Maybe I shouldn't have pushed him because right after that he made me give the crew a speech. Well, I guess technically he couldn't make me but all I know is that it wasn't my idea.

This meant that I needed to make my decision about my Spectre policy sooner than I'd intended. See, I really only had two options unless I want to be inconsistent and thus less effective. I can either adopt the Alliance's current policy of advancing human interests aggressively or I can adopt a still strong but more tolerant and alliance-building approach. Both sides have their advantages and drawbacks, of course. If I take the current Alliance policy then I will be believed when I want to throw my weight around and get my way by force but disbelieved when I want to find a peaceful solution that we can all literally live with. If I take the other route then my credibility will be just the opposite.

I wish that I had more time to think this through but I don't. I've got to pick one and stick to it for maximum effectiveness. I don't want to radically differ from the Alliance's policy but my job is mostly to smooth the way for a Councilor. We have the entire damn Alliance to do the whole aggressive power thing and while that does, in fact, convince people it doesn't make them like us and doesn't convince them that we can play well with others. Both are important, particularly the latter, when we're trying to get onto the Council.

I've suddenly ended up one of the most high-profile and influential humans in this galaxy and the Alliance has the power part down pat. I think I'm going to need to provide a little of the playing well with others bit or we might as well not even have me.

Is it weird that I can base my entire plan for dealing with, well, everything on the fact that I think it will advance my own agenda? Maybe I am the right person for this job after all.

I gave what I believe to be a lovely speech about working together, taking our place in the galaxy, and stopping Saren (not necessarily in that order). For all that I put my foot in my mouth in my everyday life, I can usually be counted on to give a good speech when I need to. I received many compliments on said speech but I'm the captain so maybe they're just sucking up. I'd like to think otherwise, though.

Then I went around talking to the crew members and whatever the aliens are. They're certainly not shy, I'll tell you that. I discovered that Presley is my new XO. He will totally not do half as much in the position as I did but he's really old so I'm sure that he won't mind. He may have even been alive around the time of the First Contact War (I actually don't even know when that was) and he definitely doesn't like the aliens that I brought aboard but I'm the captain so he understands that I can do what I want.

I'll tell you, I didn't actually know for sure that anyone but Tali was staying and they certainly didn't ask but I took off knowing they were on board so I guess that permission was sort of implied.

When I stopped by to see Garrus, he let me know that he quit C-Sec. I guess that that makes sense. He can't very well follow me to the ends of the galaxy while he's busy holding down a steady job. I did ask him why he'd deep-sixed his career in order to go off and have a wild and crazy adventure with me and he told me that he's – and I'm paraphrasing – developed a pathological hatred of red tape and wants a Spectre's freedom to do what he wants. I'm really starting to understand why he might have butted heads at C-Sec.

Now I'm really not sure what to think about this. It's rare to find someone saying that killing innocent victims is a good thing but these victims aren't always a concern. At all. Garrus' reaction to accidentally endangering Dr. Michele back at the clinic means that I think that we can trust that, for now at least, any disregard for the innocent will not be intentional. And while travelling with a loose cannon cop would probably be awesome and kind of hot, it might also cause a diplomatic crisis or two and I already have to worry about Wrex killing the wrong people when I'm not looking. I warned him not to kill people that I don't want dead and he promised me that he wouldn't and so I guess that that has to be good enough for now.

Then I spoke with Wrex. I expected him to be taciturn, I guess, and I do have a sort of compulsion to get quiet people to open up. Still, I didn't think he'd be so damn depressing. I barely got two words out before he was lecturing me about the genophage. Apparently the Salarians engineered a virus or something that all Krogan are affected by and that the Turians delivered to them. This virus or mutation or whatever dampens Krogan fertility in the cruelest way possible. It doesn't prevent conception or cause early miscarriages. No, these poor Krogan females must carry their dead children completely to term, however long that is. And with only a few live births in a thousand, their population has been slowly going extinct ever since.

It's kind of a bummer. Wrex agreed when I told him that. And the worst part is that Wrex is absolutely convinced that his entire race would rather fight than work to fix this. That doesn't seem very likely to me but, then, they're his people so he'd probably know better. And yet it doesn't seem like Wrex is this way. I might have to explore this later on. Or maybe we could get into cheerier topics, I don't know. Maybe discussing the various people we've killed and how.

I don't actually think that Williams likes me very much and that both saddens and confuses me since it's not like we know each other very well. I tried to talk to her after talking to Garrus and Wrex and she totally blew me off because she was 'busy' with her 'duties.' Please, she's not that busy and she pretty much just stared at me the entire time that I was down there. She tried to soften the blow a little by offering to talk later but I know an empty offer when I hear it.

In engineering, I thought that Adams was going to complain about Tali and her prying engine questions but apparently he likes being gushed at. So do I, for that matter, and so I let her gush at me for awhile.

Then I started asking her about her pilgrimage because that whole thing sounds terribly irresponsible and, well, stupid. She said that they're given gifts and 'life outside of the Flotilla' classes by people who have probably only left the Flotilla themselves back when they went on their own pilgrimage. Oh, that makes it better.

Tali readily admits that their civil rights record is a little shabby and they're not even allowed to have more than one child. That kind of thinking is repellent to me but then so is allowing someone who keeps killing their children their right to reproduce. I mean, sure, people who do that (and there really aren't that many) don't get to keep these children but it just doesn't seem right to me. But then, once you start telling people they can't have children…ugh. Whatever. Not the point.

It's strange. We always think of the Flotilla as jam-packed with people and it is the largest fleet in the galaxy but still. Seventeen million. That's pretty much their entire population. No wonder I've literally never met a Quarian before. I've seen cities with more people. And this is all of the Quarian in existence? Seventeen million?

She went on for awhile longer and I politely looked like I was listening but I totally wasn't. I'm not an anthropologist even if I do keep asking all these anthropological questions.

And then I asked about the Geth and kind of pissed her off. It wasn't the asking that she objected to so much as my reaction to her answers. She said that the Quarians created the Geth in order to get free labor. Geth get 'smarter' when their numbers grow because it frees up processing power or something. This whole endeavor was very much against the spirit of the Council's AI policy but technically it wasn't illegal according to Tali and so the Quarians accidentally created AI.

They first realized their mistake when a Geth asked what its purpose was or if it was alive or had a soul or something. And this isn't just that I was barely listening but it's been centuries so the exact wording has been lost to time. Or lost to the Quarians at any rate. The Geth could still know, being computers and all that. Not like asking them seems particularly feasible or that the Quarians would believe them if they ever did answer.

Tali said that the problem was that if the Geth were living AI then they were being enslaved. I will agree that slavery is a problem. Here's where things diverge, though. Normal people, upon realizing that they've somehow accidentally been enslaving something, would maybe, I don't know, end it. But no, all AI are evil and so the only rational course of action was to kill them all. Or at last kill a lot and hope that they could continue to enslave some barely-sentient Geth with a clear conscience and a guarantee of safety. I think the fact that the Geth were the clear victims here of an unprovoked attack (assuming existing isn't a provocation) makes the Quarians suddenly a lot less sympathetic.

I may have gone too far when I told Tali that I didn't feel any pity for her people because it's been centuries and the Quarians alive today are generations removed from the people who did this (not that I intend to apologize). It's just so hard when they continue to insist that they were absolutely right when they can't know that (but I can't know that they're not right, either). I suppose that I can see where it might be easier for them not to believe that losing their planet was their own damn fault and was completely avoidable. They probably even think that it doesn't matter after so long and yet…I really do think that it does. How they deal with the Geth going forward depends a great deal on what they believe happened in the past.

Tali echoes the fears of the galaxy when she says that AIs need nothing from organics and therefore must want to kill us all. It's such a prevalent believe that I feel a little silly and arrogant for even daring to doubt it but at the same time I've never really been able to see it. I'm not an AI (but then, neither are those terrified) and so perhaps it does make sense to them. And yet…Just because they are self-sufficient and don't need us doesn't mean that they need us dead. So why would they attack us if they can and have completely isolated themselves from us? Well, other than because we won't stop trying to kill them on sight but is that really their fault?

It's so weird. I'm completely sympathetic to the idea of the Geth and from the history Tali told me. And yet, we're fighting them right now (a situation that has Tali crying about proof that the Geth want us all dead. I'm reserving judgment; maybe they're just obeying their machine gods) and I have no doubts there. They're coming for me and I'm coming for them right back. I can't let any sentiment weaken my resolve on that front because this is too important and so what I think about it probably doesn't matter at all.

It's not easy to reconcile their sympathetic back story and the initially baseless hostility they get from, well, everyone with the "flash-light heads" I saw on Eden Prime. And I saw what they did to those colonists. I don't know. I really don't.

I also have to wonder why the Quarians haven't found a new planet yet. Seventeen million people really isn't much for a planet to handle. And why did the Krogan attack other planets instead of getting one of their own? They can't be picky if they're willing to live on the nuclear wastelands of Tuchanka. Though perhaps 'willing' is a bit strong of a word and from Wrex was telling me, maybe they just didn't want to find their own. They needed a new planet or two but they craved the fight as well so they sought both.

The reason that I don't get the difficulties these species have had finding hospitable planets? Well, we find new planets to colonize every time we turn around. Sure it's dangerous but that's just a bonus for the Krogan and it's less dangerous than the Quarian home world and easier than the Flotilla system. I'm just saying. Kind of an obvious solution over here. The Quarian being migrants and annoying everyone in every system they pass through by choice and not because there is nothing else that they can do in the wake of losing their planet – which is what they claim – really robs them of a lot of sympathy.

And any claim about their poor immune systems not being able to handle life on a new planet after life on their sterile Flotilla destroyed their immune systems (which I don't even believe because that's stupid and nobody can get ships that sterile. Plus Tali says they wear the suits on the Flotilla, too) doesn't make any sense unless they want to spend the rest of their lives on the Flotilla. What if they could go home? There are plenty of germs there, I'm sure.

Oh, but she has given me a lot to think about!

And then there's…Kaidan.

Yes, I'm calling him Kaidan now. I figure that after one proper prying conversation and at least two shared near-death experiences I can call people by their first names (but I don't always depending on which name sounds better). Maybe I'll get there with Williams one day but I won't hold my breath.

My conversation with Kaidan didn't really go like I thought it would. I mean, I asked him for his life story and he gave me some of it. He'd been exposed to something that made him a biotic and so he got sent off to some biotic camp when he was a kid. Brain camp, he called it. He had some pretty widely accepted conspiracy theories about the company behind all of that to share and he told me that he had a girlfriend (maybe girlfriend? It was pretty vague) named Rahna at Brain camp. They didn't have sex, though, because Kaidan believes in sex with feelings. I feel kind of weird that I know that about him and am not entirely sure how that came up but it was probably the result of some stupid throwaway remark that I made.

He said that Rahna was smart, charming as hell, and beautiful but not stuck up about it. Like me. That's the second time he's said something like that to me. Maybe I should say something but it hasn't affected his professionalism and I always love a good compliment.

Then he said that our conversation was just supposed to be a casual debrief (lies. I was always going to ask him for his life story and he gave it to me) and then asked me if I got that personal with every crew member.

Well, let's see. I got Wrex talking about his people's slow extinction, discussed Garrus' loose cannon cop tendencies, sort-of blamed Tali's people's problems on themselves, dug into the root of Presley's alien distrust…Yeah, asking prying questions and finding out everything about everybody is kind of my thing.

But I would feel kind of awkward just coming out and saying it, you know. And Williams wouldn't even talk to me so it wasn't a lie when I told him that no, I didn't. It was almost a lie, though.

He seemed to take that differently than what I meant and I think that now he might think that I'm showing a special interest in him despite the fact that he's the one who keeps saying stupid things to me and…

I am not in high school. I am not in high school.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that.


	5. Chapter 5

I left actually finding this Prothean site in the Artemis Tau cluster to someone else because, seriously, I've got better things to do. Like attempting to squeeze the life story out of everyone I know, for instance. What? It's important!

Once they told me where to go, only two of my team actually showed up and so I had to drag the others to the Mako. Honestly, Kaidan and Williams are being paid to do this and if the others aren't going to go away then they are expected to actually do something. Why they all seem to think that I should make do with a three-man team when I could have a six-man team continues to elude me.

We were dropped off some distance away from the dig site. I love Joker but I really wish he'd bother to put us closer. He can pick us up from virtually anywhere (especially when our lives depend on his doing so) but he's terrible with drop-offs. And I know, I know, that's what the Mako is for and whatnot but all it means is long hours of exploring (though stumbling across minerals can be quite lucrative) and fighting Geth.

And yes, fighting Geth is more or less my job these days but that does not mean that I'm obligated to personally rid the world of Geth. Galaxy. I am really not good at thinking bigger than the Earth for all I've spent years up here. In space. Sometimes I still can't believe it.

But anyway, fighting the Geth is more annoying than fighting anything else. Except maybe for the husks with their ridiculous zombie waddling towards you and the fact that they're quite the eyesore. And then, of course, even though they're weak if they get close enough to you it is very difficult to extricate yourself from their death-grip. It literally is a death-grip as they try to squeeze you to death. So much hate here and I've only ever even countered them once on Eden Prime.

But the husks are practically Geth anyway so it's all the same. I'm rather reliant on technology to tell me how many hostiles are near and where they are and the Geth (or rather, one particular Geth in a group) can block that signal just by being present. And I also rather dislike how some Geth can jump around like a damn jumping bean and make it difficult to kill them.

But once I finally got through the Geth, I quickly found Liara. I'm…really not favorably impressed. Maybe it's the fact that she had somehow managed to get herself trapped by Prothean security and needed to be rescued. Some Prothean expert she is. She apparently panicked when she heard Geth.

She was shocked that Geth would show up and so must be a bit behind the times as she expected us to be shocked, too, and everyone's heard about Eden Prime by now. But sure, she'll be plenty useful. She said she wasn't used to getting into situations her biotics couldn't handle and I vaguely remember hearing that all Asari are powerful biotics.

Not to be unsympathetic or anything but…if she's a powerful biotic then why did she have any trouble at all? I don't expect her to be super-powered but I've seen Kaidan's biotics in action enough to realize that grabbing them all and slamming them into walls can be very effective. But she didn't even try; she just ran and hid. I don't really get it. Very lame.

I asked her about the conduit but all she'd say is that it's been years since she's spoken with her mother and clammed right up until I sent Williams, Wrex, and Tali off to free her. I'd do it myself but, well, I wasn't feeling it.

We didn't have much of a chance to question Liara after freeing her before a damned volcano started going off. I don't know if this was in some way our fault or a result of the Prothean defenses because I was busy running while Liara explained it but I tend to think that it was just a coincidence.

Our fleeing was rather rudely interrupted by a Krogan mercenary flanked by Geth. I quite reasonably pointed out that the whole place was going to be destroyed but Wrex muttered that that wasn't going to work. He does seem to know his own people and I Saw a glimpse of the self-destructive tendency Wrex tried to explain to me earlier. Apparently imminent death is no excuse to not try to kill each other.

This Krogan was sent to retrieve Liara alive for Saren and nothing was going to stop him, not even the orders he gave his men (well, the Geth) to spare Liara if they could but either way it didn't really matter. Idiot. Where did Saren find this guy?

We took him out and Joker picked us up practically just outside of the site, Liara trailing behind us. We quickly met up in the debriefing room and I finally got to properly interrogate Liara. She had no idea who Saren was but had no problem believing that her mother was evil and out to destroy all life in the galaxy, claiming that her mother had always been a big believer in the Asari making a difference in the galaxy and what bigger difference was there then to commit mass genocide? Well…she might have a point. But still, these two really have issues.

Liara let us all know that she didn't like people (people expected her to be responsible and aid the Asari, you see) and so she spent nearly half her life – fifty of her a hundred and six years – off becoming the galaxy's top Prothean expert. No one else was that interested.

Liara's not very good with people, either.

When Williams laughed incredulously that Liara was 'only' a hundred and six, Liara got all stiff and almost condescending about other short-lived species. And when I tried to tell her about the Prothean extinction theory that the Geth and various people around me have adopted, she wouldn't even hear it. She's very contemptuous of wild speculation about it. I can't blame her for that, actually, though I would like to because I do not like her.

I'm not really an expert on anything except for killing people and being awesome but my job is to hunt down Saren and, while the advice on where to go is really appreciated, I can just imagine how annoying it would be if every other person I met were hell-bent on telling me exactly how to do it and what Saren was really up to and all of that jazz. Because, really, what do they know about it? And what do people who haven't spent half a century obsessively studying the Protheans know about their extinction? They're probably just trying to help because they think that their theory really makes sense or maybe they even want to just make conversation (I know that when I first joined the Alliance, whenever anyone asked me about the Protheans I insisted that they were all eaten by giant squirrels) but it's got to be super annoying.

Still, since Liara is apparently joining us (she didn't seem to get how extremely reluctant my 'offer' was and how sincerely I meant my offer to give her a ride somewhere) she kind of has to know what the working theory was.

The weird thing was that for someone who has literally heard it all before (I seriously doubt that there is any theory in the galaxy about how the Protheans were wiped out that she has not heard by now), she was really accepting of my theory once she finally agreed to hear it. Well, I say 'my' but I still don't actually believe it myself. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to hear new theories: she always believes all of them and knows that that's just going to cause complications. I know that I have those sorts of tendencies sometimes and usually sympathize with whoever is telling me their side of things at the moment and later have to work it out.

She had never heard of the Reapers but we explained it to her and explained how so many people are so convinced that my vision that they have never seen and that still makes no sense to me must be a depiction of the Reapers wiping out the Protheans. Then Liara started looking at me like she wanted to dissect me in a lab because apparently the images that the beacons contained cannot be handled by non-Prothean minds. So if it was a warning why code it that way? I mean, sure, it lasted but it's not much use. I guess they didn't have any other ideas and couldn't have known what kind of species would rise next. She says that I must have a very strong mind to not have broken from the vision. I don't know about that. The vision was chaotic and bothersome but hardly enough to drive a person mad. But maybe that's just my strong will talking. Hey, I'll take a compliment.

Joker asked if I wanted to debrief the Council. I didn't but as Spectre I felt that I really should and it's not like we heard anything outlandish on this little mission. I guess they weren't that busy or they're more worried about this than they let on because they agreed to hear me right away.

The Asari councilor refused to believe that Benezia would ever allow anyone to hurt her daughter. The Salarian councilor thought that Saren might be working on his own. The Turian councilor pointed out a valid possibility that I had not considered about how this might have just been a trap for us.

It makes sense, too. I mean, the Geth just happen to be waiting around but not attacking her? She just happens to end up in an old Prothean force field she knows exactly how to get out of? And speaking of, don't the Protheans have any fail-safes for what if someone gets caught in that? If they did it wasn't something Liara could activate without being suspicious. And the mercenaries claim that they're going after Liara? Maybe they even were paid to but were never supposed to succeed.

I'm not saying that I absolutely believe that she's spying on us at the behest of Saren and her mother but it's something worth considering, at least.

The Council wasn't very happy that the ancient ruins had been destroyed and they seemed inclined to blame me but I just kept reminding them of that pesky little volcano. It's not a lie if you believe it and I wasn't paying enough attention not to believe it.

That council meeting actually didn't go very badly since it basically amounted to Liara claiming that she didn't know anything and, despite how plausible various people found that, it's not particularly outlandish. I'm betting Noveria and Feros won't go half this well.

I went to go talk to Joker. He's really great and always has such interesting things to say. I'm not sure that he really likes me all that much, though, as he always ends up bluntly asking me what I want at least once a conversation. Usually it's nothing. He's so difficult. Awesome, though, and I totally promised him a medal.

Then I stopped by to see Garrus and he told me that his father was just like the C-Sec leader and stopped Garrus from getting fast-tracked for the Spectre program (side note: I wish we had a Spectre fast-track). So poor Garrus was stuck with stupid C-Sec and all the red-tape when all he really wanted was to be able to kill whoever he wanted to. I can certainly sympathize. I mean, I haven't really taken advantage of my powers to screw the rules but I eagerly anticipate the day that this happens. Not that I'd kill innocents, of course, but collateral damage happens sometimes, you know?

I went to go see Ashley again. And yes, now she's finally promoted to Ashley as she finally just bit the bullet and talked to me. I'm not sure why she wouldn't before. I actually kind of tricked her into it so I think she felt obligated. I asked her about the last mission and that's sort of her duty or whatever and so she had to answer me. She doesn't like Liara. Or maybe she likes her more than she wants to. She did mention asking Liara about her sex life which seemed a bit random. She doesn't believe that Liara knows nothing because the idea of just not talking to your relatives just doesn't ring true for her. She must have a nice family.

Then I kind of segued into more casual talking and she pretended that she had been wanting to speak to me, too, but I'm not fooled. I have a permanent open door policy that she has just never taken advantage of. She told me that she doesn't think that Wrex and Garrus should be allowed full access to the ship because this is the most advanced ship that the Alliance has and we don't want our secrets getting out. To some extent, I can understand where she's coming from. I would be super pissed if our ship became the starting point for someone's even better ship, especially before we've made more than one copy.

On the other hand…Wrex and Garrus? Really? I mean, really? All Wrex wants to do is kill things and mope about the fate of the Krogan and Garrus can't stop talking about how much he wants to be a Spectre so he can kill things in peace and how much Saren is one of those things. I mean, maybe if they were the only aliens aboard the ship then her concern about them might make a little bit more sense even if they are really not the type (or the best spies ever) but come on.

We've got Tali down in engineering probably learning how to construct her own Normandy engine by now and a brilliant Asari doctor off in the med bay. They seem like they might be a bit higher of a priority. Or maybe Ashley, like everyone, sees the Turians and Krogan as the bigger threats. Of course, if we had any Salarians onboard then the Salarians would probably already be able to mass-produce the vessel.

I told her that I understood her concerns but that we couldn't actually be openly suspicious or hostile to the aliens or else it would be bad PR. She looked disgusted about that but didn't argue, probably having heard something like that before.

I found out that she mostly did lame guard duty with one mandatory stint in space during training even though she's a great soldier (even if she never wants to talk to me) with great scores. She is the kind of soldier that should be fought over and not hidden away with the Alliance rejects. And it's not like she's got any sort of personality problem or other dark secret that I'm aware of and we've been together for at least a week now which is plenty of time to tell these things. Well, her record is spotless at least.

Ashley seemed to know why it was and she clearly did not want to talk about that. Between that and her proudly admitting that most of her family had served in the Alliance but not telling me who any of them were, I think she's got a dark past. I know a thing or two about that so I'll let it go. For now. But seriously, somebody has got to teach this girl how to be less obvious that she's hiding something. She is far too cagey.

Wrex kind of forgot to mention the fact that he's met Saren before. I mean, they're not good buddies or anything and I doubt that Saren would even remember him but still, that's not the kind of thing that you would expect to just be slipped into casual conversation like that. And Wrex is really not the best at story-telling. He's a lot like me in that regard, knowing far less about what's going on than most people would.

Apparently Saren was sort-of secretly recruiting mercenaries and Wrex had heard from the mercenaries that it was such a great job and Saren was never there that he signed up immediately. They'd been doing their thing for a few months when they had their most lucrative mission yet. The ship itself seemed nothing special, Volus and with food and medical supplies. Wrex spotted Saren, though (not that he identified him), and was creeped out. It's understandable; Saren is pretty creepy. Saren was ignoring everyone talking to him because he's an asshole and Wrex decided to just clear right out. He left without his money but everyone else died a week later so it was all good. Wrex didn't seem like he was trying to hide his tenuous connection to Saren (he just randomly brought it up, after all) but he didn't see how it was relevant. And maybe it's not but I'd still like to know!

I'm making a note to ask everybody else if they know Saren. Garrus probably does but that's a given.

The thing about other cultures, I'm finding, is that it's not just the obvious differences that you find but ones that you'd never expect. I would have never thought that a nice, quiet engine would keep someone awake but apparently it's giving Tali difficulty sleeping. Back in the Flotilla, a quiet engine could mean death since it meant that an engine had failed. Here it means I don't get a headache and the fact that I can't feel any movement means I won't get motion sick. Not that that happens frequently anymore or anything. Really. But I love the Normandy.

She's kind of homesick but also glad to be out if her new theory that the people who never come back after their pilgrimages don't die after all but just don't want to be a part of the Flotilla anymore are any indication. She is also kind of turning into a conspiracy theorist (how right she is, I couldn't tell you) when she suggested that maybe giving everyone intensive culture shock is intended to make them properly appreciate a life that they might otherwise come to resent. How very sinister. I like this image of a sinister Quarian people so I'll stick with it.

So I finally bit the bullet and went to go talk to Liara. She seemed really surprised to see that I was going to check up on her considering that I sent her to the med bay in case she had suffered any negative effects for being locked up by Prothean security for who knows how long. What does she take me for, anyway?

She told me about Asari mating habits when I didn't understand why her having two Asari parents (and thus being a "Pureblood" which is apparently an insult) was a bad thing. Asari culture has it that when an Asari and a non-Asari mate (which always results in a new Asari and doesn't even have to involve sex) then it strengths the species and helps them learn and grow or whatever. Asari could be with their mate for one encounter or for their mate's entire lifespan. Liara's 'dad's' not in the picture when 'he' is probably still around but there are plenty of Asari whose other parent is short-lived and so they barely get to know them.

That settles it. I am never having a child with an Asari. It just seems a terrible idea. Liara claims she's barely not a child now at a hundred and six? If I had a baby with an Asari right now then even if I died of old age my kid would still lose a parent as a child. And their lifespan is, like, ten times longer than mine. Maybe even more. And, while I don't particularly want children, if I did ever have them I'd want them to look more like me than that. They at least have to be the same species! I don't think that Liara was trying to horribly depress me and make me judge her culture but, well, it happened.

Talking to Kaidan was a little weird. He started off by saying that Liara was cute in a bookish way. Talk about odd. I don't find Asari attractive. I don't see why blue people with tentacles on their heads instead of hair are attractive. It's just odd. And how does she look bookish? I mean, I never would have thought she was bookish at all since she goes out on digs and nearly gets killed by Geth and whatnot but fine. She's bookish. She still looks like every other Asari I've ever met. I…don't actually know if that's racist or not but it's still totally true. Then he made it clear that he's not interested in her and he likes people more like me. We're still on this, I see.

He told me more about his troubles at camp and how you shouldn't cut corners because if you do then embittered Turian mercenaries will torment you and pretend that they killed your father and things. Okay, I'm not really sure how all that fits together but I won't. Probably. He'll be there to remind me if I try, assuming he stops trying to get out of going places with me. And he's supposed to like me!

Then Kaidan asked, very respectfully and with plenty of 'I'm sorry if I'm reading the situation wrong but…'s, if I was interested in Liara because he thought that I was interested in him. Okay, I barely spoke to the woman. If Asari are even women. It's hard to tell and they're no help. I'm not a lesbian, though. They insist that mating with an Asari is not lesbianism because there are no Asari males but if they're women then…Ugh. Asari are annoying, what else is new.

I assured him that I wasn't and then we had an awkward moment where we acknowledged that this wasn't the kind of thing we normally did (don't they always say that?) but we both had feelings for each other. We kind of left it at that and will probably leave it at that for the foreseeable future because I can't actually date a subordinate. Regs and whatnot. But at least we know where we stand in the event that he gets a transfer and we never see each other.

And the fact that we're kind of ignoring things while acknowledging them means I have time to recover from the horror of finding out that Kaidan is...Oh, I can't say it. But I have to. He's...He's...Canadian. Kaidan is from Canada. I really hadn't expected that and I'm going to have to see if I can find a way to look past this. And I'm going to have to see if I can find someone I can complain to about this. I mean, I don't really have a problem with Canada but my mostly-joking rivalry with them must be addressed.

Some random Asari called me telling me that she had a job for me and asked me to meet her in the diplomat's lounge. Well, I guess she's a diplomat then. I hadn't thought Council races had diplomats. Then again, I hadn't really stopped to ponder the matter. What a presumptuous bitch. I've never met her and am a goddamn Spectre and she's just going to call me up and ask me for a favor? I'm going to go meet with her so I can go yell at her.

Not that that's sending a mixed message or anything.


	6. Chapter 6

Sometimes, I'm overcome with the sensation that most people are extremely stupid. Maybe I should stop putting myself in a position to discover this as it doesn't inspire me to uphold my oath to serve the Alliance. I know an argument could probably be made for me being stupid given how much I don't know but I'm inclined to believe that I'm just terminally apathetic. And I'm not quite this bad. Because, really, there's not knowing things and then there's just being stupid.

I was taking the time to explore the Citadel properly when a loud argument I was walking by caught my attention. I hate public arguments. I generally don't care about them but they're impossible to ignore and you can't help being drawn in.

I inserted myself into the argument to get them to shut up and found out just how stupid the argument was. Not surprising. Can't anybody solve their own problems? And no, no irony in my volunteering to help them and stopping them from doing it independently because, trust me, they weren't making progress anytime soon.

The Hanar are weird. They worship the Enkindlers who they believe created them or gave their jellyfish ancestors sentience or something. They have a common name they use and a secret name that they rarely tell anyone. What the hell the point of a name that nobody uses is beyond me. I think they just like being secretive and having a secret name helps them to feel superior. The 'Enkindlers' always makes me think of candles. And the Hanar love to tell everybody about their precious Enkindlers and nobody ever cares.

This Hanar was causing problems by preaching without a permit in allocation you're not even allowed to preach in in the first place. I was not on the Hanar's side as the approved preaching locations exist for a reason and that reason is so people who don't want to be harangued by preaching don't have to go there and can be left alone.

Of course, it's not that simple because the C-Sec operative on the scene was an idiot. He was frustrated and desperate to get the Hanar to move because he didn't think his superiors would promote him if he couldn't deal with this. I agree that they probably won't and definitely shouldn't if it doesn't occur to him to arrest the damn Hanar. He's C-Sec; he can do that.

Since he's stupid and it didn't occur to him, I spoke to the Hanar again and found out that he was being difficult about buying a permit not, as he claimed, because he didn't believe that anyone had the right to stop him from preaching the truth about the Enkindlers. No, it's far stupider than that. He just doesn't have any bloody money.

The permit is laughably cheap. I have to wonder, if he can't afford that then how can he afford to feed and shelter himself? Aren't there any other Hanar willing to contribute to let him preach? Maybe he should actually get a job and pay for his own permit and preach during his free time. But I doubt he ever would and with the Turian being too stupid to arrest the Hanar (which Garrus was loudly encouraging him to do) and the Hanar being too stupid to find the money to buy his permit, what was I supposed to do?

I became an enabler and bought the damn permit to just end it since I couldn't see a way of saving them from themselves. Not exactly my proudest moment.

Then I found this guy who had his head very close to a Keeper's behind and I just had to ask what was going on. I mean, no one ever goes near the Keepers anyway but this was really odd.

He explained he was trying to scan the Keepers and learn more about them. Sure. But let's go with that. He was trying to be stealthy and failing badly. I'm not interested in studying Keepers myself but I also hate that there is a serious law against disturbing the Keepers. What counts as 'disturbing' them? This Salarian claims that scanning them doesn't disturb them and I can buy it. What's so wrong about disturbing them anyway? We don't even know what they do! Just because they wander around mysteriously doesn't mean that they do anything important. I think that they probably do, actually, but we don't know.

I don't trust them. They have this weird antenna box on their back and look like giant…well, bugs, I guess. More like something out of this video game I once played but for the life of me I can't remember what those creatures were called. They're really gross and really creepy. What are they? Where do they come from? What do they do? Will they one day rise up and kill us all? Think about it. No one else does and even I find this lack of curiosity appalling. Someone should care and this guy does I guess so even if it's inconvenient, I'll go scan everything for him. I'm sure I can't be any less discrete than him.

Slight hiccup when the Salarian pointed out that he had no idea who I was and so why should he let me help? Well, that's actually a damn good question and pretty promising. I'm not planning to screw him over but he doesn't know that. Of course, I claimed I was a Specter and offered no proof and he believed me so maybe not. Unless Spectres garner so much respect or – more likely – fear that nobody tries to impersonate them.

Sure I'm famous and my picture has been circulated as well as my promotion so he might have recognized me. He didn't a minute ago but he could have thought I looked familiar and just now placed me. People, no matter what people, always have more difficulty differentiating between members of a different species than their own. At any rate, he was happy to let me deal with the work and incur all the risk. But, as a Spectre, I can probably disturb the Keepers all I want and no one short of the Council (who really should have better things to worry about) can really say anything.

Then I stopped by Dr. Michele's clinic and found her being threatened. Again. How has she managed to piss so many people off? I'm annoyed at her constant predicaments already and really not that invested in saving her so she's lucky that Garrus tagged along. At least this time she was being threatened over the phone and so it was blackmail and not a threat on her life. She explained that she had been fired from her previous job for stealing medical supplies and giving them to free clinics.

I feel like this is supposed to make her sympathetic but I don't approve of her robbing her workplace; it's not like it's an evil workplace or anything because that would be completely understandable. She should have used her own money or talked her employers into it legitimately, maybe for PR reasons. For some reason, her employers kept this quiet and if she's exposed she'll lose her license and people will suffer. But who knows? Maybe her super-indulgent employers will lie about what happened for her.

Garrus volunteered us to help Dr. Michelee and she said that she didn't want to know what we were going to do. I judge her for that. She can't just suspect dark things are going to happen because of her but try to separate herself from it by not thinking about it. She's kind of a bitch, actually. We went to the drop point and a Salarian merchant was quite put out that we weren't doing it right. Far be it from us to inconvenience the blackmailer.

Some Krogan mercenary was inconspicuously (since when are Krogan inconspicuous?) watching the proceedings and grumbled that the Salarian had screwed it up. I don't think that that's fair since we came up to him not intending to cooperate. We were forced to kill the Krogan but first learned some guy named Bane was behind this. Now, my first thought was a Batman villain but Dr. Michele thought this might be a Bane connected to the Alliance and it's her blackmailer so we went to go ask Anderson.

I guess my use of Bane's name spooked him as he got all wide-eyed and demanded to know where I heard the name. Like that really matters. He claims that Bane has been dead for awhile. He explained that I hadn't heard about that because it was kept secret. I would have gone with the fact that I had heard of Bane roughly twenty minutes ago but that works, too. His death is being kept top-secret for some reason and his body had been discovered by Admiral Kahoku's men. And several of the Admiral's men have since gone missing.

Oh fuck.

Don't tell me this is a goddamn cover-up! I smell a cover-up. And I'm supposed to get involved with this conspiracy. I don't want to and I don't care but maybe I will look into this at some point after all. And I fully expect the Admiral to turn up missing (or not turn up missing as the case may be) one day. For the record, this will not be my fault.

Liara made a chance comment about the 'Asari Consort' and I can tell that she's not a fan but she wouldn't really talk about it or even tell me what she was and so since she's based on the Citadel I figured I'd pop round and see what that was all about.

Because when I think of consort I think either royalty (the non-ruling spouse is the queen or prince consort) or, well, kind of anti-royalty. As in, people who are paid for sex. As the Asari are fetishized far, far beyond reason I guess that could be profitable but people – aside from Liara – tend to speak of the Consort with respect so I'm having trouble seeing it.

I wasn't allowed to go in more than five feet before I was stopped by the receptionist. She wouldn't actually tell me what the Consort was. She said things like "she is many things to many people and sometimes they don't know what they were looking for until she has provided it." I don't like her. Some people apparently use the Consort for entertainment and others for pleasure. I don't quite want to know what the difference is between those two.

That is the most vague and unhelpful description I've ever heard. She hasn't actually said anything to explain what the Consort is. I'm left to assume that she's a high-class space hooker. Now, despite the fact that there were a lot of non-Consort Asari there that I was told met with clients as well, I was not offered their services but only the services of the Consort. In three or four months.

Fuck that. I don't wait that long for anything and I'm not interested in getting a space STD. I still don't find Asari attractive and I'm not about to demean myself by, well, consorting with someone like her.

I was just leaving when the receptionist (almost Stepford in her fakeness and very disturbing) got a call or something despite having no ears or communicating device. Asari are weird. The Consort is apparently not half as super booked as she pretends to be as she had time to meet with me right then. Why she waited until I was leaving is beyond me. Did she want me to set up an appointment? Whatever. I'm not paying her.

The Consort sounded very alarmed and ordered me to stop when I got within twenty feet of her. Does she have personal space issues? That's a strange trait to have in a hooker. Or is it just me? Why the hell did she bring me up here if I'm so bloody repellent to her? Bitch.

Oh, she needs a favor. I'm supposed to waste my time helping her with no incentive and I can't even breathe the same air as her. I see how it is.

She asked me if I could go and stop a Turian general from spreading lies about her. I do wonder what kind of lies can hurt the reputation of a space hooker. I don't really want to and she's not giving me any reason here. Perhaps sensing my disinterest, she tried to motivate me by getting all up in my space and pressing her face to mine sensually. Well, seemingly sensually. Her expression wasn't very rapt, I'll tell you that. I pushed her away and quickly agreed so that I could leave in peace and without getting molested further. And certain people thought that that was funny.

I tracked down the General in a bar drinking heavily. Well, he was and not me. I don't drink on duty. The Consort had been stupid and refused to tell me why the General had been mad at her because 'it's personal' and she wanted to 'respect his privacy.' Yeah and I'm supposed to deal with this without knowing? 'He wanted me to be more than I could be.' That makes it pretty damn obvious. He fell in love with her and she's not looking for a real relationship so he's reacting by proving his love and trying to destroy her. I'm sure that will make her change her mind.

Having Garrus there practically radiating contempt was very useful and I told the General to stop sucking. Surprisingly, he agreed and left to go make amends. But not before he thanked me for making him snap out of it by sending me off to go reassure an Elcor diplomat that the Consort hadn't really shared his secret with the General. The General found the secret out on his own (whatever it is. It's an Elcor secret so it can't be that good but at the same time I'm kind of morbidly curious. I highly doubt that sex was involved because can you imagine? An Elcor and an Asari?) and lied to the Elcor to ruin the Consort. And he wants me to fix this. He's kind of an asshole.

I came across the Elcor diplomat whining about the whole situation in the shared Elcor Volus embassy. He didn't want to believe me at first but I showed him the proof that the General gave me like a good little glorified messenger girl and then he started whining about how easy it was to find his secret and how now anyone could know. I lied (think I lied) about how powerful the General was and how difficult it had been for him to find the secret. I'll buy the General being powerful given how close he was to the Consort and how worried she was about his lies. If it had taken him any real effort to learn the secret then he wouldn't have bothered because there's nothing that makes the Elcor diplomat stand out as a target to lie to. The General probably literally stumbled upon the information by chance and went from there.

I'm sort of strangely fond of the Volus even if their breathing apparatus makes them sound like they have asthma and annoys me. Their calling everyone 'Earth-clan' is a cute idiosyncrasy. Yes they're really grumpy but that amuses me and we're halfway to the Council after a generation and they're still sharing a diplomatic office after many long centuries. Why is that, anyway? It's not like we're hurting for room up here.

The Elcor on the other hand…It is hard to describe what they look like and every time I see them I change my mind. They're big and gray so vaguely elephant-ish. Or rock-like. Knee-like, perhaps. And I don't trust them. The problem is that Elcor can tell how each other is feeling by dozens of subtle signs only the Elcor can detect and so their voice is always a complete monotone. As such, listening to them on anything really bores me.

As to why I don't trust them…I've never actually been screwed over by an Elcor that I'm aware of but the potential is out there and it would be extremely embarrassing. Sure they can say 'Sincere Apology' or whatever but as far as I can tell, there is nothing forcing them to be honest about this. Maybe most are most of the time but you can say that about other races, too. I think that people too often automatically accept the stated emotion as the true emotion and that's dangerous. An unscrupulous Elcor need only list the wrong emotion to be one of the galaxy's most effective conmen. I never believe any of their helpful emotional hints.

I headed back to the Consort and she was over the moon about the General and diplomat seeking reconciliation. She didn't seem at all surprised that I had solved a problem for her she hadn't informed me of. If it were me, I would have at least asked. She gave me some trinket that she admitted she didn't know what it was or what it did so that's not very generous even if it does turn out to be something cool. She also said that I have a lot of pain or whatever but that it makes me strong and a leader and that's why people follow me. And I'm destined for greatness, too. Yeah, no shit. First human Spectre, remember? Then she kicked me out because she is an ungrateful bitch. Still, she didn't try to molest me again so it really could have gone worse.

We had a bit of an awkward moment when we ran into a Samesh Bhatia who is the husband of one of the women in Ashley's unit who died. He wanted his wife's body returned to him but the Alliance refused and wouldn't tell him why. Ashley was outraged because the fact she knew the woman made this personal for her and I agreed to look into it because it seemed to me that they should at least tell him why. I mean, even if the details are secret they could still say that the body had to be quarantined or they were running tests on it or whatever.

It turns out, they were running tests on it. She was killed in a way that they hadn't seen before and so studying her could save lives years into the future. They were planning on giving her body back eventually but when we took this back to Bhatia he didn't think that that was enough. He thought the fact that she served and ultimately gave her life for the Alliance should be enough and he should get to respect her with a cremation.

On the one hand, I did feel bad for him. The human element always complicates things. On the other, he's just the one guy and this could save so many more lives. And I know that people hate being told to place themselves in the shoes of another (mostly, I think, because that's not how it is so these hypotheticals don't actually matter) but what if his wife's life could have been saved by some other serviceman's husband agreeing to let the body be tested? This kind of selfishness can kill an untold number of people and if it's not exactly his fault then he certainly didn't help and he could have and I think that gives him some degree of culpability.

Ultimately, I managed to convince him to let it alone and let the Alliance do his tests but he wasn't happy about it. He went away muttering something about how he'll overcharge me at his restaurant or something. Like I care. I doubt I'll ever go there and if I do I make a ton of money in addition to my decent salary.

We were at Flux and the waitress just would not come over so I finally went up to her and found her arguing with the bartender. Somehow trying to give one of them my order led to her informing me that her name was Rita and her sister Jenna was working undercover in Chora's Den for C-Sec. She was worried about how dangerous that was and asked if I could try and convince her. Since I shot up the place not that long ago, I figured that I could. I did advise that maybe Jenna would be in less danger if Rita would stop telling the world about her undercover sister and I hope that she listened.

I went to go discretely talk to Jenna and Jenna herself nearly blew her cover by yelling at me when I had been very quiet and approached her when no one was looking. A Turian also working with C-Sec faked being drunk and told me to go down to C-Sec to talk about the situation. When I got there, I was yelled at for almost blowing Jenna's cover although it was her outburst that was really the problem. But since I don't think she's quite undercover material, I agreed to help out so they wouldn't need Jenna anymore.

I met with this Krogan smuggler named Jax and paid him money C-Sec had given me for some smuggled items and then turned them over to C-Sec so they could go and arrest him. It was really pretty easy and I don't know why they couldn't have sent someone else undercover to do this instead of having Jenna off in Chora's Den. What could she possibly learn about Jax that would be more useful than just freaking arresting him by catching him in the act? And don't tell me anything about recognizing C-Sec officers because I'm Commander Freaking Shepard and they didn't recognize me. But then, I can't really differentiate between other species either so I can't be offended.

When I got back to Flux, Jenna had been rehired and she wasn't happy that her exciting undercover opportunity was over but she was dealing with it. And Rita wasn't happy either because she had forgotten that Jenna got all of the good tips.

So really, nobody was happy except maybe C-Sec.

But it's good to know that I'm appreciated.


	7. Chapter 7

So I was just leaving Flux when the bartender threw a Salarian he called Schells down the stairs. He just brushed himself off like it was nothing and he got thrown out of places and literally down the stairs all the time. And what do I know? Maybe he does. Maybe Salarians have cool biology that allows them to not suffer the kind of injuries I would if I was thrown down the stairs, too. Resentment rising, then.

Schells quickly admitted that Doran (the guy who threw him out, I guess) thought he was cheating just because he had invented an algorithm to accurately predict wins and losses in some game in there. And I didn't even ask him about it. But since he told me…Yeah, I'd say that's definitely cheating and illegal. Schells insists that it's not illegal because he wouldn't be using the device but instead selling it to others so clearly he doesn't understand the trouble that smugglers have. They don't use their illegal items either, for the most part, and yet they still get arrested for possessing and selling them. Idiot.

Then he further proved his stupidity by just handing me his device and asking me to go record some more wins for him to perfect the algorithm since he couldn't go back in there. I was annoyed by this whole thing so I just took the device to Doran and was done with it. Schells wasn't very happy with me but I wasn't very happy that he tried to get me involved with his stupidity so there you go.

But while we were there, we found out that someone had been funneling credits and somehow got roped into tracking the signal. I'm not entirely sure who to blame for this but I blame them hard. It was brilliantly rerouted a few times but eventually we managed to track the source of the signal to the back room of a Hanar-run store I'd been in previously. And by "we" I mean other people because I wouldn't have the first clue how to track something like that.

Ashley said something about how we were going to figure out where the credits were being funneled to. It was an unnecessary thing to say since we all knew that but pretty harmless. Nobody actually responded to this statement of the obvious and we hadn't expected that there would be any issue with it at all. But, well, there was and Ashley looked rather smug about it afterwards.

The pretty non-descript looking machine in front of us randomly said "Probability of detection, one hundred percent. Initiating self-destruct protocol." Um…what? The probability of detection was far from 100%. Eve if we had figured out that the credits were being scammed from there (very likely) there's no reason that we would have automatically jumped to AI!

And even if we did, in what way is destroying itself better than allowing us to destroy it? It's not like with people where they sometimes kill themselves to spare themselves a worse death or the humiliation or torture involved with capture. If we were going to destroy it, the circumstances of its destruction would be pretty much the same. Where is the machine rationality here?

Does it just want to take us out, too? But it's hardly our fault that it blew its cover. We weren't out to maliciously hunt down AIs!

Okay, so after it made that rather startling and incredibly premature pronouncement, it informed us that we were all within the lethal blast radius and that should we attempt to move that we would die. First of all, that's not very compelling logic for us to stay still. We needed to stand still so that it could blow us up or else it would blow us up? Granted we don't want to be blown up but where is our incentive not to move? It's not offering a third option. I mean, sure, we'd maybe get a few extra minutes or seconds but those really aren't all that important, I don't think. There was also the possibility that we'd be able to find a way out of the situation and not blow up but the AI really wasn't accounting for that or it would have just blown us up right then and there.

And the most baffling part of it all was just how malicious the AI sounded. I didn't know that computerized voices could even sound malicious. AI or not, that requires a tone being recorded, right? And why would it be recorded like that? Or even if it could be changed by the AI, why would it bother? And why would it be malicious towards us anyway? What did we do? It's not our fault it blew its cover both with announcing it was an AI and leaving tracks for us to follow.

I could see it being resigned about having to kill us or completely indifferent because it is in order to protect itself and we put ourselves in this situation but to be so freaking gleeful? Okay, maybe I can sort of see why people don't like AI. This encounter with them was straight off the propaganda vids.

It pointed out that it could just let us leave peacefully but then dismissed that option as ridiculous by telling us that organic prejudice towards AI would make it naïve to trust us. I will acknowledge that there is a great deal of prejudice towards AI but I do not appreciate being typecast here! I don't actually have a problem with the idea of AI and find it tragic that it would be destroyed just for existing. The only time I think it is acceptable to destroy something for the high crime of existing is when its existence is incompatible with my own.

…Which I guess is what most organics say about AI, isn't it? But I don't see it. It's not like the AI need to kill us to survive or anything like that.

But he just wouldn't trust me. He explained that he had been funneling credits for months in order to get himself transplanted on a ship and just get to go travelling the galaxy and that's a nice dream. But now he can't have it because I stumbled across him and I feel bad for that.

But he wants to kill me and I'm not happy about that. I tried to convince him otherwise but he just wouldn't listen to me. He was so damn convinced that I was going to kill him that he just committed suicide. I would have just gone away and left him alone though. I really would have. But what can you do when no one is willing to listen?

I managed to shut down his self-destruct (I have no idea how that even happened) and actually made quite a bit of credits out of the whole thing. Well, given this senseless loss of life I might have gotten something.

I also might have felt more sympathetic if this AI wasn't kind of a sociopath who brought this on himself. I guess there's a lesson there. Just because someone is a victim doesn't mean that they're not also an asshole.

I got ambushed by a reporter who, well, really was trying to ambush me. She was asking a bunch of "gotcha" questions 'Are you just a political appointment?' and 'So the Turians have knowledge of the Normandy that is being kept from humans?' I just made sure to stick to my talking points about how we're all in this together. I wasn't about to let her bait me. And let's not forget my personal favorite 'Is your top-secret job that you can't talk about hunting down the rogue Spectre Saren?' Honestly, what part of 'can't talk about it' does she not get?

I do think it's kind of stupid that I can't talk about it and the Council is just trying to save face. On the other hand, my whole purpose in life right now is making humanity look good. They don't look good if I tell the galaxy my top-secret mission and so I politely explained that to her. She didn't seem happy but I was. My answers were awesome. And when Admiral Hackett called me, he said that I handled myself wonderfully and complained that the reporter was just trying to make trouble. Fortunately, I cleverly managed to avoid her traps. I freaking hate the press.

Not that that was the end of me being judged, either, because I ran into a Rear Admiral Mikhailovich (is he Russian? He sounds Russian. At least I think he does. Not that that should really matter. And hey, at least it's not Canada unlike certain people I could mention). He was kind of an asshole but I think that I acquitted myself well for all that I hadn't exactly expected to be called upon to defend the decisions of others.

Kaidan and Ashley saluted him on sight which I found annoying but a bit predictable, I suppose. I didn't salute him because I could already tell he was going to give me a headache and as a Spectre I don't have to do these things. He accused me of not knowing who he was for not saluting and while that is true, that has nothing to do with it. Of course, I will always salute Anderson and Admiral Hackett if I ever meet him. But come on, Anderson is my mentor and Admiral Hackett. I think the Geth themselves would salute him.

It's pretty clear that he doesn't really like aliens from the way he spoke about the Council. He also has another reason to be pissy because he was supposed to get the Normandy and now I get it instead. Well, he says that the Council gets it but come on. Really. It's my damn ship.

I don't know why he was even going to get the Normandy in the first place since it's clear that he doesn't appreciate her. He said that he would have rather have had a more in-your-face fighter ship than this. Not that he blames the politicians or anyone, apparently it's my fault. And he accused me of 'forgetting what color my blood is.' Please, all of this – all of this – is about promoting humanity's interests. And I do tell people that, I just don't say it quite as cynically as I have here. Also, he doesn't like how the Turians had design input. Well, frankly, no one does. Although I think I might be coming around on them. Garrus is pretty awesome, after all.

I don't see how the Turians got any huge advantage since, even if our budget did change drastically to get the Normandy, we got to keep the ship and all that work that the Turians did was really for nothing. Except, I guess, helping to design their own future ships but why not with their work? They won't be as awesome as the Normandy.

Then Mikhailovich announced that he was there to inspect my ship. I get the feeling that this is just a sort of unilateral decision and not something anyone else approved of. And maybe, given his rank, it doesn't have to be. As a Spectre, I can tell him to go fuck himself with impunity but given how bit I am about making nice with the aliens I don't want to lend credence to his claims that I'm turning anti-humanity. Besides, if Hackett gets a bunch of reports complaining about me then he might not be kindly disposed towards me in the future and he can take the Normandy away if he wants as well as making my life difficult in various other lesser ways.

I figure I can handle it.

He didn't seem at all grateful for me allowing him to conduct his inspection. He probably never realized that I could have refused. He's an arrogant guy, I'll give him that. And he made me wait outside while he conducted an inspection my crew had no idea about. If they shoot him I'm not holding them accountable. He could be any random guy who happened to get his hands on an Alliance uniform. And would Wrex, Tali, Liara, or Garrus even necessarily recognize it? Oh, damn. They're out here with me. Well if they weren't the possibilities!

Maybe there is some merit to the idea of leaving people behind…Nah. Not worth it. And think of all the paperwork. Spectres aren't immune to paperwork.

He wasn't happy and when I noted that it was a pretty common thing he acted like I was being insubordinate or something. Whatever. He complained about the location of the commander and fortunately I did actually have an answer for this. I told him that we were testing how effective that was since the Turians use it all the time and the implication is that no one likes Turians so studying their way of doing battle could prove militarily useful someday. I hope not but, well, who knows. He went along with that although muttered something about testing it in a lab. Right. Maybe some preliminary tests could be done there and maybe they have been done there but you never really know until you actually incorporate something how well it is going to work.

Then we got to the drive core that Adams and Tali are so enamored by. Apparently it's a waste of credits or something. I'll admit that I had no idea how damn expensive it was but Mikhailovich is acting like an accountant or something. He lacks creativity and vision and all he can see is brute force and conventionality. I can see the argument that our wonderful stealth capabilities are not worth the admittedly high price we paid for them but Mikhailovich didn't seem to think that there was any use for them at all. In fact, he outright said it. Seriously? He couldn't see any benefit for being able to maneuver undetected for several hours in enemy territory? Okay then. I gave him some examples that I came up with just then off the top of my head but that only mollified him a little.

Then he had complaints about the crew. Dear lord, he was in there for five minutes. How in the world could he possibly have found so much to complain about? It's like he had his list ready beforehand and all of this was just for show. He had a problem with the Krogan, the Asari, and especially the Turian. He didn't seem to care that Tali was there, though. Quarians are so often overlooked. Plus maybe he just thought she was a human in a suit, I don't know. I also don't think he should have complained that I shouldn't trust them right in front of them but he's not exactly tactful and a perfect example of why it is so important that I be.

I pointed out that we had enough enemies with Saren and the Geth and whatever was going on there (fortunately I was not called upon to spout the same bull about the Reapers) and that being so suspicious wasn't going to win hearts and minds. He agreed on that but he didn't concede that it was even worth trying to win them. Honestly…!

But he did sound friendlier than he had at the start when he asked if I had anything else to add so there's that. I just told him that it was a good ship and that the joint construction made us all look good. He acknowledged that looking good was my whole purpose (and he wasn't even that condescending about it, either, so I guess I really got through to him, huh?) and then he insisted that the Alliance just had to win wars. But maybe looking good can prevent a war. I'm just saying.

He decided that I really believed what I was saying – do I? I don't know – and said that his report will not be as negative as he had initially planned. Well, there you have it. He was planning to rip me apart before he even came here! What an asshole. And it's not even going to be a good report now, just less negative. But I suppose that it could be worse. I just hope all of that is over with now.

I heard of the attack on Mindoir thirteen years back. Everyone has. I didn't really think much of it at the time. I was pretty young and too concerned with just making it through the day to bother with anything else. Once I did start getting more involved in galactic affairs and put my dark past behind me, there was too much new stuff going on to bother learning much about the old.

But I guess for some people it's not as old as all of that. I got a call from a Lieutenant Girard who was right in the middle of a hostage situation of sorts. He knew that I wasn't from Mindoir but he was still freaking out and didn't know what to do and he hoped that someone with my reputation would know what to do. I didn't but I couldn't just walk away.

A young girl, maybe twenty, had just been rescued from Batarian slavers a few weeks back. They had been taking her to a treatment facility when somehow she'd managed to escape and get a gun. She was threatening to shoot herself and so no one else appeared to be in any danger. Snipers were in place in case this changed but since the whole point is trying to save her, they're not going to be taking that shot anytime soon.

And they wanted me to talk to her, maybe give her a sedative so they could take her to people who might have some damn clue what to do.

I couldn't get too close to her. I got maybe five feet away before she noticed me and jerked, her gun hand twitching. Not a good sign. She demanded to know who I was and I introduced myself, keeping it simple for once.

She was…it was…It was horrible. There's no two ways about it. I've seen plenty of crap in my day but it didn't compare to this. It didn't even come close and I'm so grateful for that. I can't believe that such a thing could exist. I've never had much use for the Batarians either way and I'm sure that we commit our fair share of atrocities but it can't be like this. I had no idea.

She couldn't even refer to herself in the first person until the very end, right before she took the sedative. And she kept referring to humans as 'the animals.' Her parents tried to save her and were melted right in front of her. They tortured her pretty badly. She was in such a state that when the Alliance came in to rescue her she ran away and tried to heal the 'Masters' because she didn't want them to hurt her. It took me awhile before she'd even admit that her name was Talitha. She was only six when it happened. What the hell do you do with something like that?

Somehow I managed to push past the horror and talk her into a sedative. I hope she'll be alright but I don't think that she will. I don't think that anybody could have. I guess that I'm actually pretty lucky with what happened to me.

I made sure to put myself off-duty before I went to a cantina to get a whole lot of drinks.

I didn't want to get too wasted, though, and make a spectacle of myself that could come back to bite us but I still wasn't at my best when I ran into a man that didn't even look vaguely familiar although I guess that that could have been the alcohol. He was very familiar when he spoke to me, said that he couldn't believe it when they told him that 'it' was me and that I had grown up to be a soldier.

When I bluntly asked who the hell he was (sort of drunk, remember) he laughed and told me that he was Finch and that he and I used to run in the Tenth Street Reds together. He pointedly added that maybe I didn't remember since none of the vids about me never mentioned that fact.

I could feel the others staring at me and I just about wanted to melt into the ground. That was worse than being Canadian. Oh, I remembered that alright. I'd done everything possible to make sure that nobody else, did, though. I hadn't so much as been back on Earth since I left all those years ago. And now he would just bring it up like this and make sure that all of these people knew! I wanted to hit him. I wasn't quite drunk enough to do it, though.

He threatened me. This little lowlife scum actually threatened me. He said that he'd give an interview and tell the galaxy about where I came from. Kaidan was giving me a look like 'Why are you still listening to this guy? It wouldn't be the end of the world.' And maybe it wouldn't. But I don't see how he can possibly understand. I've spent years running from this and I don't want to face the music now. Besides, how would that look for our image if the truth comes out that I was once just another thug? If I can avoid it then I'd like to.

And I don't remember Finch per se but I remember the type. He's not just here to screw me for the sake of screwing me. This isn't about jealousy. Maybe he is jealous but he's not going to burn his bridges, not when he thinks he can get something out of me. And I was right. One of the gang was arrested for 'something' in Turian space. Finch won't give me any details. Maybe he doesn't even have them. He wants me to take to the Turian guard and see if I can't step in and fix this without it going to a trial.

It might just be something as minor as red sand possession. I don't know. He shouldn't get my help whatever it is. I owe them nothing.

But to my eternal shame, I agree to talk to the guard. I wasn't going to try anything to release him before I knew more, though, and it's a good thing that I took that position. Far from just any old thing, this guy tried to poison a medical cargo. He would have killed millions of Turians. And Finch wanted me to let him go. That asshole.

I promptly warned the guard about what Finch was trying to do and he thanked me and promised to step up security. That's when Finch showed up, apparently having followed me, and repeated his earlier threat. Well I wasn't going to stand for that. I couldn't just let someone who would kill millions so easily go but I didn't want everybody to know. Maybe my past was technically public record but people didn't know. It often was lost among a million other pieces of information and I'd like to keep it that way.

It was even worse now that the Reds have apparently become an Earth-first xenophobic movements. I understand wanting Earth to come first but I don't get why that's so often accompanied by attacking aliens. I want Earth to come first and I'm still not a huge fan of any of the other races but I wouldn't think of attacking them just for that.

Luckily, I convinced him Earth wasn't going to be served by sabotaging the first human Spectre and he let it go at that. The Turian guard also added that the Salarians and Asari would see through his lies about me getting off on killing aliens and the Turians respect people who overcome their backgrounds. He strongly hinted that they also respect people who kill xenophobic punks like that who think that they can blackmail a Spectre and I just pointed out that nothing was stopping him from doing anything.

He didn't, though. And I can't really go around just shooting people in bars! Besides, I already shot this place up once this month.


	8. Chapter 8

There are times when I am really impressed by my fellow man, times when I remember exactly why I'm doing this. On Elysium during the Blitz, for example, no one was willing to step up and take charge (with the civilians that was probably a blessing) but they were willing to risk their lives by standing firm against the Batarians.

Fuck, _Talitha_. If I hadn't…if we hadn't…Elysium might have turned into another Mindoir.

So yes, I am well aware of humanity's potential for greatness.

And then there are days like today.

Another loud and public argument and when I approached the couple to kindly ask them to take their issues elsewhere, the male – Michael – said "Perhaps you can talk some sense into her."

His sister-in-law Rebecca pointed out that she didn't need sense talked into her but Michael was persistent in dragging me into his family problems.

Apparently his brother died of a super rare heart defect and Michael wanted his pregnant sister-in-law to undergo gene therapy to see if the child would have that same defect and to get rid of it if that is the case. The defect, not the child, that is. Of course, there is an extremely small chance – mostly used to scare people – that the therapy could hurt the child so Rebecca doesn't want to go for it since the kid is all that either of them have of her husband Jake.

Now, chances are that the kid doesn't have the defect and that the gene therapy will be fine. Still, the fact that Jake died of it with no prior symptoms made that seem a little more worrying.

Still really not caring or desiring to be involved but having already been burdened with their issues and being looked at expectantly for some kind of an answer, I said that it seemed like the risk of a similar defect was higher and so I thought they should go with that.

Despite the fact that Rebecca hadn't actually complained until that very moment, she turned out to be an ungracious loser and very rudely asked why she should listen to me since she didn't even know me. That may be true but who was bothering who with their problems again? And I bet that she wouldn't have said that if I agreed with her. But then maybe Michael would have.

Well, in the course of their bickering they both realized something that I think should have been extremely obvious from the start and that was that they – gasp! – both loved Jake and missed him. Rebecca agreed to get the treatment and I'm sure it will all work out fine.

What a waste of time.

Then I ran into Emily Wong again. Apparently she's gotten a lot of attention and prestige from her story about Fist and now has the freedom to write about whatever it is that she wants. And what kind of hard-hitting news story does our intrepid journalist aim to uncover and expose?

The…thrilling tale of how traffic controllers need more sleep.

Yeah, that was my reaction, too.

I mean, it's her story and all and if the lack of rest is really dangerous then I guess it's important but…It's just really, really boring. I'm not sure that exposing it will prompt the kind of outrage that will lead to change that she expects.

How did she manage to stumble upon something as exciting as the Fist scandal? Maybe she was looking at him for littering or something.

Still, bugging the air traffic controller place (somewhere I can go and she cannot because I'm a Spectre and can do what I want) seems harmless so why not?

She seemed excited at the feed she was already getting when I returned for my payment and I'm sure I'll hear about this at some point…even if only from her. I'm kind of wondering how listening to their chatter will help her at all. Are the workers going to be complaining of fatigue or something? Loudly announcing their insane work schedules? But whatever, that is her problem and not mine.

When I was off in C-Sec I met this Volus who, despite loudly decrying the lack of lifesaving assistance he was getting, seemed surprised that I would 'take an interest' in his problems. Well, that's one way to put it. He claimed that his business partner had randomly decided to stalk and kill him and he was just such a mopey Eeyore about it ("And I thought we were friends." Seriously just something about the way he said it made me want to punch him. I didn't but I wanted to) that I didn't blame C-Sec for just sort of ignoring him.

Unfortunately, it would appear that my companions recognized the name of his business partner as the guy we scanned the Keepers for. I barely even remember scanning the Keepers, let alone anything about the Salarian we were working for.

But the Volus seized right on that and so we went to go talk to his business partner. Maybe it was my lack of attention but that nervous twitchy Salarian didn't really seem the type to melodramatically betray and attempt to murder his business partner for no apparent reason.

And yet, when we met up with him he had a few mercenaries at his back. Maybe he's paranoid about the Volus attacking him, I don't know. But he quickly dismissed his guards once he found out why we were there. He's lucky we were not there to kill him. Not that his guards would have been enough to stop us if we were.

Their story was a stupid one. Apparently the Volus was supposed to disseminate their data or something but kept it for himself and they couldn't trust each other when they were on the verge of making it big. I called them both idiots and they decided to stop being quite this terminally stupid so that's that.

Honestly, what do these people do when I'm not around? It probably would have ended in a murder-suicide or something.

Then I finally got around to seeking out that Asari diplomat, having made her wait long enough. She was not pleased about the delay but I was not pleased at her imperious summoning either so we're about even there. She claimed that her sister had been kidnapped by pirates or something and hadn't returned her despite the hefty ransom. I felt a little bit guilty at that because kidnapping is kind of a time sensitive issue and so I promptly went and killed everyone in the base looking for her sister.

I did find her but she wasn't a captive. No, she was the leader and she was extorting her sister for money using her own existence as a threat. That's pretty despicable but then her diplomat sister had her assassinated for her own political gain so I'm not going to judge the dead pirate too harshly.

I figured that while I was out I might as well look into that thing for Admiral Kahoku. What I found was a goddamn thresher maw! Apparently it was a trap as there was a distress beacon right by the nest. I'd love to know how somebody managed to safely put that up. Well, the thresher maw nearly killed us and really devastated the Mako but I got lucky in between all my running away from the thresher maw and guessing where it was going to pop up and managed to kill it. This is not how I will be reporting my triumph, by the way, and the team agrees with me. Huh. Maybe I can call them 'the team.' We're not really friends and calling them my companions is a little…odd.

I returned to the Citadel to confront the diplomat and she had the nerve to justify her decision! She claimed that I wouldn't help her if I knew (I barely helped her as it was) and that if people had known about her sister she would have lost her position because she would have been declared a security risk and now she's safe.

Not quite so safe. I mean, I took the money she gave me (she deposited it into my account so I couldn't actually help it) but then I went straight to that bitchy reporter from earlier and leaked the story. That should sort things out. She was still annoyed at me for not letting her make me look stupid (and thus making her look mean by trying to bully me) but I didn't care and she wasn't so annoyed that she'd pass up the chance to do the story.

I found Kahoku and told him what happened. He was ready to believe that some of his men were stupid enough to go wandering into a thresher maw's nest but not all of them and so continues to suspect a conspiracy. I swear, every time I see him I wonder if I'm going to hear about his disappearance before we meet again. He seemed like he'd be okay this time, though, just going off to tell the families. Of course, he also stated his intention to keep looking into this and seeing the grief-stricken family members is likely to just harden his resolve. This probably won't end well. I mean, how can it possibly end well? What is the ideal ending here? Kahoku alive and well, obviously, but either finding out his men were really stupid or finding out that there was some big conspiracy to kill them. It's just not going to be very happy no matter what it is. I offered to help in the vain hope that maybe he wouldn't disappear on me that way and the perhaps naïve believe that I can take care of myself but Kahoku said that he'd be fine.

Then I got ambushed by this negotiator that was probably on something. He was talking very, very fast and kind of giving me a headache. He is apparently a top negotiator for the Alliance (really? Him? We are in some serious trouble aren't we? I guess that's just more slack for me to pick up) and has a very important negotiation with…I'm going to say the Salarians.

Unfortunately, he seems to believe that he needs performance-enhancing drugs in order to conduct this negotiation. In sports we would call this 'cheating' but I guess diplomacy has no such rules. And the drug is even legal but he's gone over the limit for this month. I got him to admit that he has a problem and secure a promise for him to seek help…once this negotiation is over. It kind of reminded me of that 'Saved By the Bell' bit where that one girl had a pill addiction and portrayed it in the most ridiculous and unintentionally hilarious of ways. Not that I ever actually watched the show but it was just so epic that I heard about it.

What's-his-name admitted that he had an assistant that could technically take over the negotiations for him (I just don't really trust someone this hopped up and an addict to boost to do something this important while on said drug) but he himself believed in being firm and kind of bullying other species while his assistant falls more in line with my stated agenda. Well, that's the thing about negotiation. You can bully people and maybe even get your way but it will just lead to resentment and one day you'll be in a position where you'll need something and they won't give it to you.

But by working together maybe you don't get as good of a deal as you could have gotten by pushing matters but you build up that relationship and it can only lead to positives in the future. Assuming, of course, you don't let them bully you and walk all over you but when the negotiator was complaining about his assistant he didn't mention that as an issue so I guess it's not. It's a trade-off but ultimately I convinced him to seek treatment immediately. This isn't just a straight-up choice between bullying and cooperation, after all, because I think we can trust the non-addict assistant to do his job and I just don't know about the negotiator.

And hey, I heard later that the negotiations went fine.

Then there was that awkward moment when you're solicited by a political party. I've never been very good with solicitations. There was this time a few years ago where I was coming out of a library and these two people came up to me and were telling me all about their Bible study group. I'm not religious but I always feel awkward telling religious people that because I'm afraid that they'll turn nasty. I'm sure most of them won't but I just kind of worry about being judged and it would make the situation awkward and whatnot and so I don't really tell people that. I kept telling them I was too busy and wasn't even staying in the area but they just would not take no for an answer so ultimately I signed up for their stupid Bible study group but gave them a fake name and phone number and ran away as quickly as I could. Not really the best way I could have handled that and I haven't really come a long way since then.

It's different now, though, because of all the people with me and the fact that everybody knows who I am. I can't hide behind anonymity any longer.

And to make matters worse, it wasn't just any political party but the Terra Firma party. The Terra Firma party is widely regarded as a bunch of pro-human zealots and all the other species hate them which is only natural I suppose. They're protesting Armistice Day even though I'm sure they don't really want us to still be at war with the Turians. It's just symbolic, I guess. They do this every year and for everybody else, who really just want fireworks and a nice chance to celebrate, they are extremely annoying.

Their spokesperson that I talked to, Charles Saracino, is very eloquent and so very reasonable-sounding. He insisted that while every group has their fringe movement and extremists, the real core goals and values of his party are to advance the interests of humanity but that no other species must be hurt by this. He claimed – probably correctly – that every other species have ways of looking out for their own species first so there's nothing racist at all about what he's doing.

I was almost tempted to agree with him (I'm too damn fickle) but then Liara, Wrex, and Garrus all got into a fight with him. Not a physical fight, thank goodness, but I was still forced to intervene. Ashley promised to vote for him and he also asked for my vote and possibly a statement of support. Pretty daring of him to try to get me to make a public endorsement when he hasn't even secured my vote. I kind of like that.

Of course, it would ruin all of my work to try and make us seem more accommodating and ready to be on the Council. Even if everything that Saracino says it true, their reputation is such that other people won't see it that way and – as I've said – perception is everything. So no, I'm not going to tell the universe that I support him. But it wouldn't be very diplomatic to go around telling him that he would be dead weight for me and so I just told him that, as a serving member of the military, it would not be appropriate to make political statements. That might even be true, actually, but as a Spectre I can do what I want. As the most famous human out there, what I said would be noticed and carry weight and I don't want a few thoughtless remarks to come back to haunt me one day.

As for voting…Eh, who even knows? I might not even vote. I do get pretty busy and completely forget about these things.

And then there's the part that I was trying not to think about. I don't remember if I mentioned my own personal stalker, Conrad Verner, but, well, he's kind of a menace. I was running here and there around the Citadel dealing with everybody else's problems for them and he flagged me down a few times. He was always standing in the same spot so I suppose that a case can be made for it being my fault for not avoiding him but…I mean, come on. I shouldn't have to take another and less convenient path when I'm already not so great with directions just because of him. It started with him gushing about me and getting me to sign things and it ended with him planning on trying to join the Spectres. I'm really doubting that he is actually married at this point or that his supposed wife is half the fan that he is (I'm hoping not at any rate) and nothing will come of his attempts to become a Spectre but I just wanted this whole thing done with. I wouldn't put it past him to contact me again begging for help and so I just gave him a bullshit speech about how I need people fighting on the home front or something. Yeah, everyone was laughing at me but it took the wind right out of Conrad's sails and he apologized and with luck I will never have to see him again.

Just in case, though, I decided that maybe it was time to move out and took off for Noveria. Why Noveria? No idea. I just flipped a coin, really.

I didn't actually make it to Noveria because Admiral Hackett called me and asked me for a favor and you don't say no to Admiral freaking Hackett. It's pretty important, too, but then how can it not be if I'm getting personal calls from the Admiral requesting favors?

It turns out that back during the First Contact War we really had no idea what was going on and so we sent probes out every which way. We didn't want them to be captured and have people be able to take our technology and so we armed each probe with a self-destruct function. That's all well and good except apparently the people in charge were massive idiots and decided that the only way they could be sure that the probes were destroyed like they were supposed to be is if they…God, I can't even write it. I have to, though. This amount of stupidity must be memorialized somewhere and God knows I can't actually tell people about any of this.

The nuke attached to the probes is equivalent to the nuke dropped on Hiroshima back in the 20th century. I mean, what the fuck? How did they think that was a good idea? A less lethal nuke would do just fine!

And now it's been found, having been missing these last twenty-six years, on the opposite side of the Alliance territory from the war. That is rather suspicious. Admiral Hackett has no idea what it's doing there and, being probably the biggest guy in the military, if there is something to know about it then he would know. Of course, he could be lying to me but I don't see why he would when he's already admitting that it's there and why we're in this mess.

I don't actually have anyone trained in this but we do have the best stealth systems ever so we're going to go in and deal with it. And really, really hope that nobody has recovered the nuke and tampered with it. We can't go to the Council, of course, as they'll just yell at us and think that we're not ready for a Council seat despite all of this happening before we even knew that the Council existed. So yes, I almost have to get involved with this to accomplish my mission of getting us a Council seat. And yeah, something about Saren.

Once we got to the planet, we discovered the signal was coming from a mine thus indicating that the probe had not been moved there accidentally. This practically screamed 'trap' but we still had to spring it. Damn nukes…We somehow managed to avoid blowing our own planet up and I'd like it if we could continue to avoid blowing the galaxy up.

Once we got into the mine, the exit was collapsed so we were stuck there and some random smarmy guy called via hologram. He was initially acting like we were old rivals and I had no idea who he was. That threw him for a moment and he looked quite put out but then he quickly rallied. He introduced himself as Halliat, I think, and said that he ran the Terminus systems and was the mastermind behind the attack on Elysium.

That asshole. He was just in it for money and prestige and he would have turned us into Mindoir! I feel no sympathy for him when he says he lost everything when I beat him. He seems to hold me personally responsible for it despite the fact that I didn't do half as much as those Alliance warships and even if the ground had fallen, the ships still would have managed to drive the invaders off.

He didn't appreciate that point of view and said something about empty words from a dead woman before he tried to blow me up. I couldn't radio for the ship so I had to manually disable the bomb and then find another exit where I killed Halliat and his men. Pretty standard, really. I do question the wisdom of Halliat deciding to set off a nuke just as damaging as that of the Hiroshima bomb and then camping just a few yards from the bomb site. Well, I guess he was pretty stupid, too.

And then just when I thought that all of these distractions were over, I got a pretty urgent message from Admiral Kahoku who saw fit to investigate after all and discovered that, for some reason, his men were killed by something called Cerberus. I've never heard of them but they sound like something out of Harry Potter. Or maybe Greek mythology. But anyway, Kahoku had anticipated this eventuality and so helpfully explained to me that they're this former Alliance Black Ops group that went missing a few months ago. Yes, missing. Apparently we can just lose Black Ops teams like that. Well they've popped up again and they're rogue and out to create some kind of super soldier (still not explaining why the men were killed…). Kahoku didn't think I'd ever see him again as he's going into hiding as Cerberus wants him dead.

Well, with luck I'll never find out one way or the other because if I do then I know which one it will be.

But seriously. He's a pretty high-ranking admiral in hiding from a terrorist group? Lame. Admiral Hackett would systematically take them apart and make them regret ever even thinking about targeting him. That's why he's my favorite.


	9. Chapter 9

I really just wanted to get to Noveria and get a move on on this finding Saren thing because I feel like I have done literally nothing on that front as Liara is no help at all (I mean that in the best possible way. She's good at fighting and biotics and whatnot but she doesn't seem to know where Saren is. And she might still be a spy). Still, this Kahoku thing seems pretty time sensitive so I went down to the location of the base he mentioned to look for him.

I killed a bunch of people there and found his body. He was in a pit with some savage animals but he had clearly not been attacked by them but had been executed via some kind of lethal injection. Just shooting him seems like it would have been easier even if they were trying to disguise the cause of death because if he was going to be eaten by the animals then the wound would be gotten rid of just as surely as the injection mark.

But I have a couple of questions here. Why bother hiding how he died? No one is going to think that he accidentally fell in the cage of some wild animals. Were they trying to dispose of his body stealthily? Do they really have no better methods than simply feeding the bodies to animals? What about a freaking burial if they can't come up with something more suitably high-tech?

And what the hell was Kahoku doing here in the first place? He said he was going into hiding not going to the base he told me about! Did he make the call from the base? Did he really have no better way of finding out about the base then going there himself? Did he literally stumble across it? Why couldn't he have just found out about the base and sent it to me for verification? Was he caught moments after sending the transmission? I got here an hour after his call! Was he caught elsewhere and – either coincidentally or by design – taken here to be killed? It seems like they could arrange a gang-related frame-up or something. This just casts too much of a spot-light on Kahoku. And if he was so scared he was going into hiding then why in the world would he put me and my people at risk by involving us? And if he thought we could handle it, why not go to us for protection?

I mean…Jesus! It's sad that he's dead, I guess, but I have so many questions and frustrations concerning his death! And now I may never know.

Then as I was leaving I got yet another transmission and I swear if it was another person asking for my help I was going to start killing people. Tragically, the person sending the transmission – whoever they were – were a bit beyond my reach. But no, it was just some guy claiming that he worked for the Shadow Broker and gave Kahoku the location of the base in exchange for some files there. Well, that actually clears a few things up. But Kahoku really should have contacted me first and waited to go with me and stole the files while I was there or something. And if he was so terrified, why did he agree to do it? It just still seems weird to me.

Kahoku is dead and I have the files so he wants them. I told him no because they are Alliance records and the man tried to persuade me that I don't owe Cerberus anything. Right. Like I'm doing this to protect them. The Alliance is where my loyalty lies. The guy insisted that the Alliance won't even do anything with them and someone somewhere will sell him the information so I wished him luck with that and disconnected. Just because that kind of corruption is pretty much inevitable is no reason to make this easy for them.

When we finally got to Noveria things didn't look up either. The Noveria landing people threatened to shoot us down because we didn't call ahead first. Why didn't we? We all knew we were going here and we had plenty of delays giving time for someone to make the call and let them know. I mean, that kind of thing is below me but I think that Joker or someone really could have dealt with it. But he didn't so that's that. Since Joker mentioned that I was a Spectre, they let us land but threatened to impound the ship – the hell they will – if they can't confirm my identity.

I'm the single most famous human in the galaxy and the long-awaited first human Spectre so somehow I don't think that this will be a problem. This is a business planet so that probably explains the extra security.

We were met by three members of the local security, two humans and a Turian. This is mostly an Alliance show so the Turian didn't say anything. The blonde one struck me as old and bitter and bitchy and refused to believe that I was a Spectre. Does she not watch the Holonet or something? The one in charge was fortunately much more reasonable although she did try to secure my weapons.

Garrus pointed out that Citadel authority superseded theirs so I didn't have to. I guess that the polite thing to do would be to stand down but I'm a goddamn Spectre and I can't appear weak. When I refused to surrender my weapon, we had an armed standoff and I suggested we wait to hear about that confirmation before doing anything hasty. I refuse to go anywhere without my weapons. It would be just my luck if someone tried to kill me and let's not even forget the fact that this is one of the places that the Geth are. I don't want to take on the Geth at all but certainly not without weapons.

A panicked-sounding voice quickly interceded and said that we'd been confirmed so we could keep our weapons. Sweet. I really wasn't looking forward to having to kill my way through the planet. I would still do it and I think even pull it off but talk about a drag.

I met the administrator's assistant Gianna and she told me that Matriarch Benezia had passed through here and was at Peak 15. I have to go to the administrator for permission to leave the port which I find highly insulting. What part of 'Spectres can do what they want' demands that I ask to be able to do something that I want? Still, it might make things smoother.

Then Liara had to make this all about her and asked if I wanted to talk. I didn't. Liara seemed pleased and grateful we didn't have to talk either so I guess she was just being polite. Or maybe she took it as a declaration of trust? Whatever. Talking about her mother issues isn't really appealing to me right now. I can always pester her about it later, I suppose.

Getting into the port, I was told I had to obey any orders given to me by security personnel. Not happening. And the guards were super annoying and refused to talk to me because they were on duty. What one has to do with the other is quite beyond me. It's like they see me as some sort of enemy here. But surely they must know that Spectres have better things to do than deal with white collar crime? At least I hope so. Or maybe they get up to some rather different things here. I don't have time to worry about it and so I sincerely hope that I don't happen to stumble upon evidence that makes this my problem. Damn sense of civic responsibility…Where did I even get that from? Certainly not my childhood.

I met the Administrator and he couldn't even pretend like he wanted to be meeting with me or intended to help me in the slightest. He's a Salarian which is relevant in that they're always busy and so he was probably more hassled than another species would have been. I can't help but think that maybe if he had simply been a little more accommodating we could have moved things along a little bit faster but whatever, he wanted to be petty.

Peak 15 is apparently not only private property but there's a huge blizzard making shuttles impossible and land access has been cut off. I want to risk it anyway but the Administrator won't hear of it. He's too busy trying to prevent me from causing his clients' legal problems to hurry me up so I don't have time to notice all of his clients' legal problems. Spiteful idiot. And apparently when Benezia came by as Saren's representative she brought a lot of mysterious large boxes that nobody bothered running through security and I'm sure will come back to bite us later. I'm not really a fan of this planet.

Fortunately, Gianna was much more obliging and whispered that I should go talk to someone named Lorik Qui'in for help getting past the Administrator's stonewalling. He's at the hotel since his office was closed or something. That sounds really boring. I could probably think of something better to do with all that free time. Then again, I spend my time reluctantly helping people or digging up their past.

On my way over there, an Asari with alarming eyes and a truly unfortunate yellow dress waylaid me. She wanted me to help her with a human sitting at the bar. I asked if she knew who I was and she said that everyone did (except apparently security) and I'm pretty sure she called me 'dull stone.' Um…First insulting me is not going to help her cause and secondly that is a pretty strange insult. Bitch. She wanted me to do something espionage-related, I think, but I really don't care enough and I don't like her and that's a little too petty for a Spectre. Plus I'm supposed to be one of the good guys and this is highly illegal. She tried to point out that Binary Helix breaks the law, too, like that's supposed to convince me. Maybe she should try being less obnoxious next time she needs a favor, I'm just saying.

I found Lorik in the bar. He cheerfully told me all about Benezia and her guard of Asari commandos that nobody else saw fit to mention. It doesn't even matter if they're disarmed because all Asari are biotics so as long as they're conscious, they're armed. I kind of wish that I was a biotic. Actually, no I don't because apparently they face a lot of discrimination from other humans (not like I'd know) and older implants like Kaidan's really screw you up. But still, never being disarmed? It's an appealing prospect. He didn't seem to think that Benezia and Saren were any great secret but he also started complaining when I started asking too many questions. Well what does he expect when he's so damn obliging?

He confirmed who he was and who I was (seriously, news here is amazing and someone should really talk to security) and wondered how he could possibly help me. He looked positively giddy when I informed him that all I needed was a garage pass and he had one so it would literally cost him nothing to help me. Not that he'll actually do it, of course. At least not without me breaking into his office and dealing with the security forces that are searching it for evidence of the Administrator's corruption that he happens to have. Of course, the security is on the take but it may end violently and could cause all sorts of problems for me.

I mean, I don't care, really. I'll kill them no problem. I just really don't want to have to deal with the consequences of that. And I'm kind of wondering just how this Lorik got his hands on this kind of evidence in the first place and how the Administrator found out about it and why he didn't go public with it and why there appears to be no back-ups. It just feels kind of amateurish, really.

Not that I will be telling Lorik this. He may need me more than I need him but he still has that damn pass. He seemed concerned that I would be off-put about the violence (a fly in the lotion, he called it) but I'm really not. Seriously, Spectre. What does he take me for?

The people guarding the door decided not to bother barring me entrance since they were actually pretty apathetic about their jobs and just left but I had to kill everyone inside. The bitchy blonde from earlier was there and accused me of being a cop-killer and then acted like she was being all noble and dutiful by going after me. And what's this about what they do to cop killers 'on her world'? She's clearly far too old to have been born on any planet but Earth.

And the hell am I a cop-killer! I may have killed people who may be security but they were on the take and it was self-defense and how dare she! I killed her and then ran into Gianna who I guess was waiting just outside until I was done. She wouldn't talk to me there but made me meet her in the bar before meeting with Lorik. She's just lucky I decided to humor her.

It turns out that Gianna is undercover for Noveria Internal Affairs. Not that she actually showed me any credentials so actually I don't know if she is or isn't. She wants me to help get Lorik to testify against the Administrator. She would do it herself but her position as the Administrator's secretary might make it difficult for Lorik to trust her (though not me apparently) and she tragically has no proof of her story. Whatever. And let's not forget that she has been here for six months but has found no hard evidence of corruption. You would think that she wouldn't need it and the board could just fire him. And she kept yelling at me when I asked her basic questions so I think she was just annoyed I was revealing her and/or the Internal Affairs office to be highly incompetent.

She promised me the exact same thing that Lorik promised to get the testimony even though I've already secured it by getting the information. I don't really see what I'm getting out of this at all and even if the Administrator is kind of an asshole who won't help me, I'm not particularly concerned. And Gianna insulted Spectres! Since when do we 'play hard and loose with the law'? I'm still in this damn station until I get permission to leave, aren't I? But Garrus still has C-Sec in his blood and really wants to help with this investigation so I guess I will.

But seriously, what the hell has Gianna been doing these past six months?

And Lorik, unlike certain other people I could mention, actually looked pleased to see me. Probably because he figured that I wouldn't come back if I weren't successful or maybe he just heard of the disturbance and could work out the rest. But pleased to see me is pleased to see me.

Or at least he was until I explained what Gianna wanted. Then he got all pissy for some reason and acted like I was dictating how he should use his own property. I'm pretty sure all I said was that there was a member of the Internal Affairs squad that wanted him to testify. How is that any pressure at all? I mean, seriously. I was always going to give him the data. Lorik's objections (which I believe were a mask for 'meh, can't be bothered' because this sounds highly inconveniencing) seemed to be of the 'I don't want to make a scene and I rely on the goodwill of the board.' Well, that was easily countered since the board is the one conducting the investigation in the first place.

Then he sighed and acted like I was harassing him, saying clearly he couldn't win. Um, he didn't even try to say no. I guess he is more public spirited than I thought.

Why couldn't Gianna just do this again?

When I saw her again, she was no longer even trying. At least before, while she was still being blatantly obvious, she tried to keep her voice down. Now she was shouting about that offer she made me. I pretended that I had to put any effort into getting Lorik to testify (I did have to put some effort into figuring out what the hell was going on with these people although that might have actually been optional, I don't know). She didn't seem very grateful and made another disparaging remark about Spectres.

Seriously, what is with this galactic Spectre-hate? I never saw any of it before I became one myself. Oh, sure, people worried when one showed up because that usually meant that things were going to hell but I'm only here to cause hell on Peak 15.

I pointed out that Gianna didn't seem very happy that I did her job for her and she said she was happy. She just apparently has no affect. Okay then. She arrested the Administrator and led him out and I got my garage pass. She promised she'd buy me a beer if we ever happened to come across each other again but, you know, it's a big galaxy and I doubt I'll be returning to this miserable little planet.

So now I can actually start doing my actual job now that I am done doing everybody else's.

I headed down to the garage and was almost immediately set upon by Geth. It's good to see that things are getting back to normal. Or as far as being regularly attacked by Geth is normal at any rate. I really hate fighting these things, did I mention that? And once they were dead, the security chief ran into the room demanding to know what I did.

What? First of all, why does she only come in now that the firing has stopped? I am highly suspicious of this. And what does she think I could have possibly done as we are the only people in here? We tried to explain about the Geth but she didn't believe me. I showed her the remains of the Geth and finally she grudgingly did. But then she acted like the fact she didn't see how they could have possibly gotten there meant that they weren't there and Tali suggested that they were in the boxes. The security chief didn't believe that either because there were scans and God knows that those can never be fooled. Still, they had to have gotten there somewhere. It is slightly reassuring to think that there were some scans done even if they predictably turned out to be useless. I wonder how many other people have gotten past the scans and to do what.

She went off to bother the Executive Board who I'm sure really doesn't care. She didn't even mention all of her people that I killed earlier so maybe she doesn't know about that. I should go before she decides to make it some big thing. Even if they were dirty she might not care and she probably won't believe me. This one kind of has her head stuck in the sand, doesn't she? You don't need someone corrupt in charge if you have someone stupid there.

I don't really want to talk about the drive up. The blizzard was awful and I almost fell off the ledges (why was the path so narrow?) so many times that I lost driving privileges. Well, fine. I didn't want to drive in the first place anyway.

Peak 15 was not in very good condition. There was some sort of mutant (or alien. That seems more likely, actually) bugs crawling all over the place. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know but it's a little late for that. I hate bugs. Even regular-sized ones and not these giant ones that squirt their insides all over whenever they die.

I ran across an AI that tried to get me to call her Mira. Or should I say VI. I can't help that I automatically think of a computer life form as an AI even though they are actually a VI and that is a very important distinction as one is to be exterminated on sight and the other is not. I'm not sure how I feel about the attempts to humanize the VI by giving them names and holographic appearances (and why are they always female anyway? Honestly, fetishize much? Someone earlier mentioned how hot Liara's centuries old mother was and she was annoyed about the obsession, too. Maybe we can bond over that since I don't get it either). We don't want them to actually become more human and so what is the point?

The station was shut down when the creatures or whatever got out of their containment. I do not know what they are because apparently Council authority doesn't get your corporate secrets. Whatever, random cooperation. Your precious stocks are not worth this crap. And the VI wouldn't tell me how to fix the station, either, since it goes against protocols so I had to figure out how to fix it all by myself. I'm not very good at this kind of thing but fortunately my team was there to help me pick up the slack.

And we might have gotten lost a few times but we finally made it to other people!

I spoke to the security guard in charge who said that this all started a week ago when the creatures we have yet to identify came bursting out of nowhere. He seems to be under the impression that Benezia was sent by the board. There's no need to correct that miscommunication as far as I'm concerned. He's not sure but he thinks that the insects were probably created in the hot labs but the only person who knows for sure, a Volus, has been too traumatized by what happened to tell them anything helpful. Well, that or he doesn't want to admit his culpability to a bunch of terrified survivors who might turn on him.

For some reason, the security guy leaned in close and whispered when he refused to send his men to their deaths. I'm…not really sure why he did that. That's fine. I prefer going with just my team anyway because I always feel like I'm babysitting otherwise and am thus much less effective. I just really hate it when people die on my watch, you know?

Then we were attacked again because these creatures apparently attack every few hours and that's a hell of a way to break the monotony.


	10. Chapter 10

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I'm a little worried that I may have been guilty of racial profiling today. Or is it species profiling? Although I was totally right so that might be a mitigating factor and I don't know if I should be feeling guilty or not. Publicly I suppose I should but publicly I'm not admitting to the profiling.

The very first of the civilian survivors that I met was this Asari scientist. She was pretty new and the only Asari here. Is it really any wonder that I was concerned? I know that all sorts of bad things happen when you start making these judgments but it was only once! Still, you know what they say about a slippery slope…Not to mention that she was a huge bitch. Apparently I interrupted her meditations and she went out of her way to make me feel stupid when describing her work in an overly technical manner and then acting as though she was speaking to a child when I couldn't follow it. Not to mention that I'm firmly of the belief that meditation is pretentious.

So yeah, total bitch. I was not at all surprised when she turned out to be a plant and tried to murder me the minute I walked out of the line of sight. I killed her, though, so it's all good. And see! Right!

I talked to some other scared and traumatized survivors. They just want this to be over; it's understandable. Less so is the Elcor merchant's insistence that if I want extra equipment to save everyone then I'm going to have to pay for it. I still don't trust them even if he was saying things like 'furtively' and 'forced cheer' to describe his emotions. He was probably just trying to lull me into a false sense of security.

I felt really awkward speaking to the one Volus survivor from the hot labs. He apparently shut his colleague out of an elevator and she was brutally killed ("her head was split open like a melon") right in front of him. I'd judge him more except he said that she only had time to knock to be let in once so she was a goner anyway. And he feels guilty as hell, too.

There were some sick people because an experiment was being performed when the power was shut off so the quarantine failed and the closest observers were all infected. I want to judge them for their lack of safety standards but I guess if the power is shut down because of a containment breach that may get the entire facility nuked then that's not really something you can have a contingency for. The guards refused to risk their lives recovering information to create a cure and so I volunteered to do it. I was fortunate not to get infected or they surely would have left me down there to die. That was when the psycho Asari bitch attacked me, by the way.

I couldn't get directly to the labs so I had to go via maintenance. That was when I met this Russian guy who told me what these insect monsters were.

Mother fucking Rachni.

Yeah, that was my reaction, too. They were supposed to have gone extinct two thousand years ago! As in, the time of Christ (give or take a century or two)!

…Damn, the galaxy is old.

Binary Helix found an ancient ship with a bunch of frozen Rachni eggs and one of them actually still lived. They intended to just clone the Rachni but this one was a queen (perhaps why she was the one to live) so she was just made to have children who were taken away from their mother at birth. I would have expected that she'd need a male for reproduction but this guy told me that Rachni queens can reproduce by themselves as they carry the genetic materials of their fathers. Which is great and all except didn't we just establish that Rachni don't have fathers? Or maybe just the queens do.

Unfortunately, nobody thought to examine the effects kidnapping the baby Rachni would have. The fact that the children are going crazy and attacking everyone and appear to be rather mindless has made them think that perhaps the queen helps to shape the Rachni minds. I wonder how sentient regular non-crazy Rachni are. The queen was fairly eloquent.

Admittedly, the guy had an ulterior motive that had to be taken into account for telling me that the Rachni were all mindless and had to die since he wanted me to kill them all and some might hesitate at committing unnecessary genocide. I would have thought that they could be cured of their mindlessness by bringing them to their mother but he said that it's too late. I guess it's like the language thresholds and feral children and whatnot.

I figured that I would have to kill them all but was pleasantly surprised to learn that there was a way to kill them all at once rather than having to personally take out each one. The only problem is that apparently we have to activate it from the building in which all life is to be extinguished and let me tell you that that is a glaring design flaw. And we only have two minutes to get out once we activate it.

He was about to tell me the genocide password when he was stabbed through the chest by a Rachni who snuck up behind him. Since it was behind him and pretty quiet, he had no way of telling it was coming but I feel like maybe my team and I (all facing the sneaking Rachni) should have maybe noticed something. I mean, it wasn't invisible.

I tried to bluff the VI with a mumbled password but she saw through that and ordered me to report to security for arrest. The hell I will, even if security wasn't all dead. Fortunately, I quickly found the super-secret genocide password just lying around in the next room. These people!

The Rachni seemed to sense something as more of them crawled up and attacked the moment I activated the life cleansing but I just took the hits and ran away. Wrex did not approve but come on! Maybe I had a minute and thirteen seconds to spare but I was not fucking around with a damn death date!

After all the Rachni were dead, we quickly headed off to the main lab. Now, the VI was a bit useless in not being able to calculate the number of Rachni around for whatever reason but she swore up and down that Benezia was the only living person in the lab.

Have I mentioned that all of the survivors seem to think that Benezia is trying to fix the problem? I didn't want to crush their hopes and it's not like knowing would save them if she comes out to kill them since they wouldn't be a match for her.

Benezia is Saren's representative and Saren is a really powerful and important person on Noveria as well as a major stockholder in Binary Helix.

I want that kind of power! Will being a Spectre let me get really rich and powerful? I mean, I can do what I want after all. And I am making a lot of money on this mission already. I suppose a lot of it will be beyond me as long as I refuse to be bought but I'm going to try to keep the dream alive.

Anyway, when we came upon Benezia she was alone but she quickly called in all of her commandos. I mean, what the hell? Were they zombie commandos or is Mira just super incompetent? I am really not a fan of VI.

I knew that Benezia was hardly at her best but I did not get the sense that she was a very good parent in general seeing as how she was perfectly willing to murder her own daughter. Though she didn't seem gleeful about it so I guess that's something. Not much but sometimes you just have to take what you can get.

She accused me of bringing Liara there to try and weaken her resolve. I was rather indignant about that accusation because I didn't even want Liara here and she sort of invited herself. Benezia did have a rather hilarious comment that Liara didn't appreciate me laughing at when she responded to my query about if she'd really kill Liara by saying that she should have been more strict with her. Because come on. That's kind of great.

Liara herself was really not a help here so it's a good thing that that's not why she came. She might have been more useful if she had tried to use sentiment or whatever to appeal to her mother's softer side but she decided to let her resentment rule her instead and just yelled at her about her failures as a mother.

Once we killed the commandos, Benezia changed her tune. And I have a bit of a worrying confession to make. For the first time, I found an Asari compelling. But honestly, I think it was more the darkness than the Asari bit as when she shook it off that feeling disappeared. So I don't find broken people attractive but I do like evil people. That…is probably not a good sign. I need to pay closer attention to Kaidan, I guess. And Benezia's darkness seemed rather one-note and simplistic, almost a thrall, and so it wasn't as strong as it could be. Good thing, too, because seriously? Liara's mother.

Normally I would suspect such a sudden about-face was a ruse in order to escape responsibility but given that Benezia ultimately insisted that we kill her, I guess that that wasn't it.

She just…stopped suddenly and acted like she was on our side. And her voice was pained and distant. She told us that she sealed a part of her mind away and was relying on that now but that it wouldn't last long. That's kind of weird. Is it an Asari thing? I don't think that I could do that. And how did that piece reassert itself? There wasn't really time to quiz her on it.

According to Benezia, Saren never actually told her anything so finding her was pretty much a waste of time. She did, however, know the location of the Mu Relay (or thereabout) which Saren had been searching for after a supernova explosion displaced it and we're not really sure why it's important. I'll look into it after Feros, I guess. And I half-suspect that the supernova story is just an excuse because he's embarrassed he lost a mass relay. I don't blame him because I'd be mortified, too.

Apparently Saren's ship, Sovereign, is a really big deal. It has special magical powers and I'm sure that she believes it but she seems pretty crazy and so I have my doubts. I'm reluctant to share the news lest it make me seem crazy as well. And everyone else's absolute faith doesn't help our image, either.

She also introduced me to the idea of indoctrination which, if true, would explain her Jekyll and Hyde behavior. She says the ship's doing it and I guess that could be true. This whole thing is so fantastic but brainwashing technology isn't too crazy, I guess, and could explain why all these people are going along with this. Whatever this is. I still don't even know what Saren is after.

Benezia said that she knew Saren was a threat and had thought to moderate him but she wasn't strong enough to resist in the end. And even snapping back now wasn't enough as she was no longer herself and never would be again. She begged us to kill her and told Liara that she was proud of her moments before removing all choice by trying to murder us again.

We had to kill her and it was all very sad. Liara was so devastated that it was just awkward and I never know what to say to people when they're in need of comfort. Grand motivating speeches, sure, but not the more personal aspect of it. And then Benezia seemed to come back to herself as she lay there dying and it's strange because I still don't quite understand indoctrination but I think I've just seen it.

And as if all of this wasn't enough, we had to decide the fate of the Rachni. Wait, sorry, did I say 'we'? My mistake. I mean 'I', of course, as my team always puts all of this on me. And maybe, as the captain and Spectre, it should be on me but it's still highly annoying.

And it was further complicated when the Rachni queen was revealed to have psychic power and possessed a dead Asari commando to communicate with us. Yeah, that really happened.

On the one hand, I do not approve of possessions. On the other, she really had no other choice to make her voice heard and it was a dead body. That makes it even more creepy in a way although perhaps less morally troublesome. And it was just for a few minutes. But if possession is required to communicate then I think galactic relations just hit yet another snag. Good thing I'm not actually a diplomat.

The queen seemed pretty reasonable. She didn't blame anyone for her people's genocide. That's certainly very forgiving. Of course, my people weren't even involved and she hadn't yet been born and so didn't know any of the dead Rachni so that might have had something to do with it. She said that…Well, to explain that I should try to explain why the possession happened at all.

Rachni don't communicate the way that we do. They communicate via some sort of song that no one else can hear. She thinks, though she can't know, of course, that something influenced the Rachni to attack in the first place. She said the songs turned a sour yellow note and that there were the sounds of oily shadows.

Well alright then. I don't really get it but I do concede that that sounds rather worrisome.

And as long as the songs aren't like that now things seem less dire. All of this could be made up, of course, but I don't think that that was needed. She could have just said that she had no intention of invading after seeing her people destroyed and I probably would have believed her. The Rachni paid a high price for their ambitions and it may have even been a situation like the First Contact War but they refused to back down.

And this weird influence could finally give a motive for the attacks that is more compelling than 'it's in their nature.' I hate that stupid scorpion and the frog crap. But could it happen again? One lone queen isn't much of a threat and I can end her now but one day…

She asked me to let her live. And people have asked me to let them live before and I usually do but this is the first time that I've held the fate of a species in my hands. If I let her live then the Rachni will survive and might come back. If I don't then there probably won't be any other miraculously surviving queen eggs to be brought back and given another shot. And even if there are, why would anyone else give them a chance if I'm not willing to?

This queen has done nothing but maybe one day she will or, generations down the line, her descendents will. If there are ever any further problems with the Rachni ever then it will be on me. And it's been two thousand years, such an impossibly long time, and everyone still hates and fears the Rachni for all no one could identify them on sight. How can they ever truly integrate back into society when they were never a part of it in the first place like the Krogan were who are similarly – if less so – distrusted? Still, I can't just kill them because they'll have their work cut out for them getting accepted.

I don't know. It's probably a mistake. But this is genocide and she hasn't even done anything. She promised that she would hide herself and raise her children and maybe one day return. I trust that she'll keep her word, if only for her own safety.

I do have to admit that, even though I fully planned on freeing her, I did have this strange impulse to press the 'kill' button instead. I have weird impulses like that a lot and even though I never give in to them I think that they may be a problem. I mean, that can't be normal, can it?

We left Noveria and I was slightly put-out to go from the weight of species to some idiot trying to get me to smuggle things past security for him. I'm not that easy to corrupt. Why didn't he just ask some of the super-corrupt security force? Surely I didn't kill all of them. I blew him off and headed back to the Normandy.

Liara said something in our post-mission meeting and I don't even remember what it was but Ashley bit her head off. Either she doesn't like Liara personally or, as I'm beginning to suspect, she has serious alien issues. Possibly both.

I called the Council more out of obligation than because I thought that either of us wanted to have this conversation. They don't really know what to make of Benezia and want me to go find the Mu relay. But they were more interested in the Rachni. They do, in fact, believe me that I found a Rachni queen and let her go and it's nice to know that just because my reports mostly consist of impossible statements that doesn't mean that they're going to dismiss them all out of hand.

They all feel that I did the wrong thing. I'm going to have to get used to that reaction or stop telling people about it. Probably the latter. They'll find out when they find out. The queen seemed so kind and not a threat but people are scared. The Turian councilor yelled at me for my recklessness and reminded me of the problems I may have created for future generations.

I felt another flush of guilt but I had carefully considered that and don't see how I could have done anything else. I just have to hope for the best, I suppose, and hope that I'm not blamed if I'm wrong. Sure I'll be long dead at that point but I still don't wish to be vilified.

I went to go check on Liara and she was putting up a brave front. Or, I guess, quickly got over her mother's death. She kind of creeped me out here. She said she initially didn't like humans because she thought that we were too hurried and impatient but over the last week she's come to understand why we were like that and to view it positively.

And she also wants to date me.

She promises that it's no longer completely about her fascination with my Prothean vision but if she even has to say it…

I didn't want to bluntly reject her because it would be awkward but, frankly, if I were going to pursue a lesbian relationship (and I don't care she and every other Asari that I've talked to says. It would be a lesbian relationship) then I'd go talk to Ashley. Just the way she looks at me before saying 'Ma'am' makes me think that…But, well, I'm not looking for that right now. I agreed half-heartedly that we have a connection or whatever and then quickly left.

I was looking for Kaidan but I couldn't find him so I went to go see Joker He also thinks that I was being stupid about the Rachni but at least he's funny about it! Sometimes I remember why I used to have a thing for him.

Then I went to go check in on Ashley and the non-Liara aliens.

Despite the fact that nothing I've seen has convinced me that anything exciting has ever happened at C-Sec, I wasn't really sure what else to ask Garrus about so I did ask him about that. And it turned out that, much to my surprise, Garrus did have a story! And it is a story so very interesting that I actually remember the names of the people involved! I know, I know. Sign of the coming apocalypse. Maybe the people around me are on to something about Saren and his mass genocide after all.

But anyway, Garrus was stuck on what appeared to be a pretty dull and straightforward black market investigation when he came across an organ trade spike. That usually means a lap or a psycho. He had once come across an Elcor diplomat who hacked people up and sold their organs. Am I a bad person if I say that that sounds awesome? Terrible, of course, but come on. The Elcor are big and bulky and seem to lack mobility and precision. How the hell did he ever manage to pull that off? He must have been super creative.

But though this seemed the most likely scenario, that actually wasn't it. They traced a liver back to a living Turian who was in possession of his liver. He also worked – past tense – for a Salarian geneticist named Dr. Saleon (told you I remembered the name). It seemed like a lead worth checking out and so Garrus brought in a bunch of employees who refused to say anything and it might have ended right there if one of the workers hadn't started randomly bleeding profusely and freaked out at the offer of free medical treatment.

The forced him and then the others to get examined and found something super disturbing. The organs of the workers were obviously being cloned but what Garrus and the others hadn't known was that they were being cloned inside their own bodies. And they were just cut open to take them out! But only if they were good organs otherwise they were just left in there! What the fuck? I don't care how poor you are, that is a terrible idea. Oh my God.

Naturally, Garrus was hell-bent on nailing this guy. Tragically, Saleon must have been tipped off or something since he blew up his lab and fled with hostages. Consistent with his loose-cannon cop persona, Garrus tried to get the ship shot down or at least disabled but his boss was worried about the hostages and let him get away. Those poor people probably died horribly once their bodies could no longer be used as test tubes.

I sympathized with Garrus but like freeing hostages so I think I may have given him mixed signals. Although he did at least agree that living hostages were nice and then said that he might know where Saleon is and really wished he could find somebody to go deal with it…

Well, I took the hint and am glad that our friendship has progressed to the point that he'd trust me with this. I promised that I'd take him with me and he promised that he'd try to treat it like any other mission and not go on a roaring rampage of revenge.

That's all I ask.


	11. Chapter 11

I went to talk to Wrex and he seemed to think that the price for making him talk to me was having to help him retrieve a family heirloom that the Turians took during the war. At last his story was interesting, too. Wrex, despite his protests, continues to prove himself something of a far-thinking visionary. He was concerned about his people's numbers and so tried to get them to stop fighting for a generation and focus on breeding so that their people could survive.

From what I've seen, he'd have had a tough job getting them to stop fighting for five minutes in order to explain his plan to them. Still, despite this not being a popular idea he eventually started winning over the hearts and minds. A powerful warlord stuck in the past just wanted to kill everyone and so was Wrex's biggest opposition. They met on neutral ground but neither was changing their minds and so the other warlord had Wrex's men killed and nearly killed Wrex himself. Wrex managed to kill him and then fled the planet.

And the warlord was his father.

 _Damn._ Krogan, you know?

He won't admit it but I think that that's why he wants the armor, so he can go back and try again. And I've heard the stories about the Krogan but this slow extinction makes me uneasy and Wrex is a friend so I'll do it. Besides, if I'm saving one dangerous and hostile species from extinction then why not two? Wrex just wants to be there when I get the armor back I don't know why people keep adding that part. Not only do I always take everyone with me everywhere but why would I do their quest without them? I mean, really.

Well, okay, I can see why Garrus might be concerned but Wrex?

I went to go see Tali next and, surprise surprise, she wanted a favor. My God, were they all just biding their time and plotting to ambush me? Although since she wants something to help with her pilgrimage and I knew she was on the pilgrimage when I met her, at least this one is fairly straightforward.

She needs something flashy and Geth-related and coming with me gives her a pretty good chance of finding something. Her dad is one of the five admirals, it seems, and he's the typical distant powerful father and everyone expects great things. I can't really sympathize there but I do get not wanting to disappoint lofty expectations so if I come across something I'll do what I can. Her mother apparently died a few years back but was kind of a non-presence in her life. I wonder why someone so forceful as her father would be interested in someone she describes as a non-entity.

Ashley did not want anything which was a relief. Maybe it's because she's still not telling me her big secret and I can't figure out a non-obnoxious way to ask her about it. I could always ask about her record but that's cheating, isn't it?

I guess that I came at a bad time as she was talking to her sister but she ended the call to talk to me. Her sister signed off with a remark about Kaidan's hotness. I felt a flash of…something at that and Ashley quickly assured me that she's not interested and Kaidan's otherwise occupied as well. Not that we're doing anything or anything but I felt better just the same.

Ashley thought that she had put her foot in her mouth by mentioning her family when I have none but, you know, it didn't feel awkward until she said that. I'm not anti-family or particularly bitter about it. It just was what it was. Granted I probably wouldn't have such a dark past with a family but that's not wanting a family itself, that's just not wanting to have that one period of my life.

I learned that Ashley had three younger sisters and was a typical military brat. Her dad worked hard but got nowhere in the military (even now she's made it further than he did) and I can just feel the weight of the things she's not saying. She told me a few cute stories about her family. They seem re ally close. I could never imagine giving up my career to raise kids like her mother did but it's her choice. And my job's the kind that I literally can't do pregnant so maybe one day if I can live with a desk job.

I also found out one of Ashley's secrets but it's not her big one. She's deeply religious and most people not living on Earth aren't really and find religious to be really odd. Of course, while I'm not at all religious, I grew up on Earth and use phrases like 'oh my God' all the time so it's nothing new for me. She seemed strangely relieved by my indifference.

I finally found Kaidan and he was talking with Liara. They both looked grim and I suddenly got a bad feeling about it. I willed myself to not feel guilty since I hadn't actually done anything wrong but it was difficult with the way that they were looking at me.

It turned out, they were both convinced that I had expressed feelings for them and were worried that I was two-timing them. Confronting me about it was, I will reluctantly admit, the best thing to do in this situation but still. Awkward as hell. And it's better than both of them just walking away in disgust. I'm a little confused, since I only ever talk to them separately and don't say or do anything flirtatious in front of anyone else out of regard for professionalism, where all of this is coming from and how they found out about the other but Ashley seemed to know about Kaidan.

And the reason that this is all so unfair is that I'm not actually two-timing anybody! To begin with, I'm still single and since nobody is making a move they have no right to judge me or hold me to anything.

And then there's the fact that this isn't actually a love triangle. Well, not on my part.

Kaidan started and said that he thought we had something but didn't realize that I was interested in other women, having apparently never heard of bisexuals. Liara tried to pretend she's not female but no one is buying that. He said he'd get over me if he had to but he had to be told that he'd need to do that. I assured him that he was special to me and then I could have just smacked him for his reply.

"What about Liara? Is she special, too?"

What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

Obviously if the answer was 'yes' then I'd deserve to feel guilty but it wasn't.

And the silence just sort of stretched on as I tried to figure out a way to say 'no' without coming across like a huge bitch. I mean, the whole reason we're in this mess in the first place was because I wanted to avoid this awkward scene and now it's even worse as Kaidan is here as well so it's not just between the two of us! I thought by just totally ignoring her flirting and keeping things platonic she'd get the hint but, as she said, she's bad with people. Kaidan would have gotten the hint.

I apologized for giving her the wrong idea and explained that I did sort of have a thing for Kaidan. So I guess that turned a few shades more serious by telling someone else about it and choosing him over someone else even if I wasn't remotely interested in that third party.

She was mortified and left and that really could have gone better.

And now that he won, Kaidan is feeling sorry for Liara and suddenly no longer blaming me. Well that's kind of odd. He explained that the heart is a weird thing and he's been torn in two directions before, too. Yeah, great, except that's really not what happened and…Oh, you know what, it doesn't even matter.

He thought that the meeting place that only the two of us were in wasn't the best place to talk so we went back to his usual hang-out where we are surrounded by crew members. Yeah, this is much more private, Kaidan.

And then he explained his rather unusual philosophy to me. It all goes back to Rahna. I'm trying not to judge but he is kind of obsessed with her and it's been at least fifteen years. He said that Rahna reached for a glass of water once and the psychotic Turian in charge broke her arm so he accidentally killed the Turian (they weren't as prompt getting him to medical attention as they could have been) and it sort of shut the whole camp down and a few years later the company went under. I wonder how much of that was because of what Kaidan did. Kind of a heady thing.

Rahna was super lame (or, as he put it, loved everyone and was very gentle) and she was so terrified of the Turian that she was now terrified of the guy who hadn't meant to do it and was only protecting her. Yeah, she seems like a real keeper. But I knew better than to say anything to Kaidan who seems to still idolize her.

And that's why he's so self-contained all the time. He doesn't want to screw up again. Although I think now that he's been fully-trained and isn't a hormonal teenager anymore, he doesn't have to worry quite that much. Rahna has a lot to answer for. I told him that he could cut loose a little more and he seemed to agree although he was a little embarrassed that I had to point that out to him.

He told me that the psychotic Turian was actually what made him first see aliens as just individuals and not just part of a stereotype. I'm not sure quite how but it did. And so now he doesn't like or hate aliens as a whole. He just likes or hates the individuals. That's a very rare philosophy and the first time I've heard it expressed. It's also very admirable.

I've never been able to do that. I mean, I like Garrus and I dislike Saren so it's not like I'm not capable of having different opinions about different members of a species I just…I'm pretty new to this whole interacting with aliens thing. Back before I met Nihlus, I hadn't had much to do with them and while the Reds weren't the xenophobic nightmare they are today, they weren't exactly fond of aliens and those were my formative years. Humanity as a whole have only been at it twenty-six years. That's most of my life so it usually feels like a lot but when you think of the Rachni Wars two thousand years ago…it's really not, is it?

And I've noticed that if I haven't had much contact with a species then I instinctively don't trust them. And now, while I'm still more than capable of disliking individual Turian – for example – I'm much more kindly inclined towards them than I was before meeting Garrus. So I still don't like the Salarians as I haven't gotten close with one or the Asari because Liara is just…Oh, who even knows? She confuses me. And she just made me feel like a bad guy.

I decided to head back to the Citadel to see what Udina and Anderson are making of my progress so far. I feel like we've accomplished nothing or next to nothing, at least, but we're two-thirds of the way through my original mission and about half-way through what we now have to do since we have to look up that relay.

Stunningly, Udina was against my decision to not fail as a person and save the Rachni queen. He was mostly concerned with how it would look. Which I guess is his job (and mine) but genocide to avoid a PR problem? Really? That's just…And I wonder if he'd be so eager to press the button and end a species if he had actually been there to do it. Then again, perhaps I don't want to know. Anderson backed me, at least. And will the Rachni actually stay on Noveria? I hadn't thought that they would, largely because being confined to one planet does not provide much of an opportunity to hide but I guess if they can't breathe in space or get a ship or something then they'll have to. Still, I have faith in them. At least in this.

And Udina can stop acting like I'm trying to make his job harder any day now. I bet he wasn't even happy when I made Spectre and I am trying to be helpful here. He'd know if I wasn't.

You know, it's strange because I don't actually remember doing all that much for the Alliance before I became a Spectre. Yes, I served on a crew and whatnot and the Blitz happened but I wasn't nearly this busy.

Now it's like every time I turn around the Alliance needs me. Regardless of what they seem to think, I'm not actually any more impressive now than I was back before I was a Spectre. Or do they think the fact that I'm a Spectre will change anything, maybe with perception?

There's this guy called Major Kyle who is holed up on a planet running a cult of biotics. Admiral Hackett mentioned something about how a lot of biotics are disenfranchised and whatnot. Given how useful biotics are, we really should get over our petty issues with them. Major Kyle's not a biotic himself but apparently he lost too many men at a particularly brutal encounter with the Batarians and he just snapped. He took early retirement because he's not fit for active duty anymore but when Alliance personnel recently came to see him to try and get him some medical treatment since he is a veteran and all the messengers were killed.

Well, now everyone still feels bad for Major Kyle but he's committed a crime and proven himself dangerous and must be taken in. And…I'm the person elected to do it. It was obvious (even before he admitted it afterwards) that this was probably going to end in a bloodbath. But you know what? I wasn't interested in that.

I went to the planet and the guy at the door wouldn't let me in. He kept talking about 'Father Kyle' and yeah, that definitely sounds like a cult. And when 'Father Kyle' finally agreed to see me – outside of the compound – he seemed pretty unhinged. He kept talking about protecting his children. And the guy at the door insisted that they had to kill the Alliance people to protect him because he protects them. Well, it actually sounds like they protect themselves just fine and don't need Major Kyle for protection. Leadership, maybe, but he's crazy. And maybe so are they.

Major Kyle conceded that I was there under a peaceful banner and so he wouldn't kill me but he also started talking about how he had to kill the Alliance messengers and tried his best to make their end peaceful. Like he didn't know that that would bring a major shit storm down on his head. I told him that if he surrendered now everyone could live but otherwise there would probably be a bloody massacre (not an easy thing to relate to someone without them thinking that you personally were threatening that and needed to be eliminated).

And I really do think that he needs some psychiatric treatment. He really seems to believe his own bull. He had that crazy person tone of voice, you know? But he's not so crazy that he doesn't realize that my team and I could end them all and so he agreed to surrender. Not right away because if he goes with me now then the cult will likely attack but he'd meet us in an hour to peacefully surrender after explaining it to them.

Well, I wasn't going to wait around for an hour so I just left and we contacted the Alliance and let them know to meet him. Kaidan didn't seem very optimistic that the major would keep his promise but he knew the consequences if he didn't and it wouldn't be my problem anymore. I heard that the cult disbanded but, given that they're all the types of people to join cults, I'm worried for them. I guess I should be glad that they didn't all decide to drink the Kool-Aid.

So then I figured that I might as well go track down this Dr. Heart and find out if he and Dr. Saleon were really the same person (did I mention that was what he had changed his name to?) before he up and moved again.

When I got to the ship, Heart was being held at gunpoint by what I can only presume are some disgruntled victims (or maybe would-be victims) and so I had to deal with that. I can't believe he's going by Heart. That is so obviously a fake name that it's not even funny. And if it's that easy to pass himself off as a doctor when he's never gone to medical school under that name…Well, it's a little discouraging is all.

Anyway, once we dispatched of them, Heart sincerely thanked me for saving his life. He appeared to be planning to pass it off as some random hostage situation but Garrus quickly cut in to tell me that this was Dr. Saleon. Heart – Saleon – quickly panicked and insisted that he was actually Heart. Since we didn't mention that Saleon was a monster or a wanted person and Garrus didn't even say it in a particularly negative tone of voice, if he wasn't actually Saleon then I'd have to wonder why he was so adamant that he wasn't. I mean, if someone thought that I was Ashley then I would want to correct them but I wouldn't be quite so urgent about it.

Even if he had somehow heard the story, Garrus was sure. I'm not sure how he's sure since most Salarians still do look the same to me but I guess Saleon was a little bit darker colored than most Salarians so that might have helped with recognition.

Garrus was ready to shoot him on the spot (he made a comment about wishing he had the time to harvest his organs which was mildly disturbing) but fortunately cooler heads prevailed – mine – and I told Garrus that we couldn't just kill him.

I was a little worried when he didn't seem to understand why we couldn't just shoot him. Maybe I should look up Turian culture and their justice system because it seemed pretty damn obvious why not to me. He had to be arrested and taken to court and have a trial and, with all the evidence that I'm sure we'd find on the ship, he'd be convicted and maybe even executed. That's just how it works. Sometimes if the situation is time sensitive or in desperate times you can't do things as you should but this is neither of those times.

Reluctantly, Garrus agreed and told Saleon that he owed me his life. Apparently his life wasn't worth all that much to him or he was just really stupid because he decided to attack a Spectre, two biotics, a Quarian, another armed human, a Turian, and a Krogan head-on all by himself. So yeah, we totally killed him.

And then Garrus was all annoyed that he'd changed his mind and decided to let Saleon live and then we still ended up killing him. But really, what can you do? I tried to explain that we had to give everyone a chance to surrender and we couldn't help it what they decided to do. I'm not sure if he agreed or not but he did call me the strangest person he had ever met, albeit in a more polite way. He seriously needs to talk to Kaidan. Maybe Liara, too. But it's possible more Asari are like her.

There was a lot of blood of varying colors on the ship. I don't actually know what color blood any other species has besides humans but I'm assuming that each color of blood was a different species so there were a lot of species. And some of the blood looked human. I'm kind of glad he's dead. And aside from giving him the chance being the right thing to do, people tend to frown on it when you kill people instead of trying to take them in. Although they also apparently want unprovoked genocide in some cases so who even knows? I'll stand by my own code.

And then when we got back to the ship Garrus started speculating on whether the Council would try to protect Saren. I highly doubt it. I think they'd quietly execute him as he's done some high-profile things that make it impossible to sweep his crimes under the rug and he's embarrassing them. But, you know, it's theirs to do.

Garrus wants me to just kill Saren when I find him and again I'm left wondering if Garrus is just really zealous or if it's some kind of culture clash as I couldn't seem to make him understand the point of arresting him for its own sake. I did make some headway convincing him that this way we'll learn more of Saren's plan although, really, once Saren is gone I doubt what he would have done will matter much. And I was so pleased to learn that apparently Garrus just thinks Saren is nuts, too. I don't know that I think he's crazy or at least lying but everyone else seem to be convinced. Maybe Wrex would see it our way, too. Of course, he probably wouldn't even care enough to have an opinion on it.

One further thing that amused me: Garrus prefaced all of this by saying 'I know that you're doing all you can to find Saren but…' Like, really? He really thinks I'm doing all I can? I suppose he can't complain since my latest detour was helping him close a cold case but I barely even made it to Noveria. If Saren seems a step ahead of us all the time then maybe it's because we are never, ever going after him. Seriously, if he were actually hurrying then he'd probably have us all killed before we even realized what's going on.

…And on that note, maybe I should look in to hitting Feros soon. Personally, I'd like to at least see my demise coming.


	12. Chapter 12

So we're finally going to Feros and that's nice and all but I have some big news that's far more exciting than some silly little colony.

Ashley finally told me what her deal is! And it turns out that the whole reason she didn't mention it earlier was because she expected me to already know because everyone always knows! Well now I'm wondering how I can be so…invested in everyone's lives and somehow not notice that. And I don't know if I can trust that she 'thought I know.' Whether she did or she didn't, she probably still wouldn't have wanted to talk about it. But perhaps I should stop dragging this out and just explain.

Ashley's grandfather was General Williams! And yes, since Williams is an absurdly common name that's not really saying much and, when I failed to react, she helpfully clarified that this General Williams was the one who surrendered at Shanxi.

Ah. The only human to ever surrender to an alien. That General Williams. Though given that this was a mere 26 years ago (now relativity makes this seem the blink of an eye and not the lifetime that it was for me) and we've only ever had one alien war. She seemed really nervous like she always does – I guess this is why – and asked if I was going to kick her off of the ship.

I honestly don't see what her having an embarrassing relation has to do with her own career and told her so. She looked at me like I was a saint or something. Whatever. Apparently her previous superiors (except Captain Anderson, her superior for all of five minutes) were idiots and thought that they had enough competent soldiers that they could afford to waste someone as obviously talented as Ashley. There are never enough competent men.

I stopped by to pester Wrex about going back to save his people from themselves. I'm not sure I'm doing much to convince him and even if I did I don't know how successful he'll be. I don't even know that I want to see the Krogan saved and certainly no one else does. But it's kind of our thing by now.

And then Tali asked if she could send a copy of some Geth data I apparently sent to the Alliance to her people. I didn't actually know what she was talking about (was this from the Geth on Noveria?) but I figured that if I didn't then I'd have to help on her pilgrimage in some other way and this way was super easy. As such, I just let her do it.

I hope this doesn't come back to bite me.

\----

I hate Feros. Fucking hate it. I suppose it's not the colonists' fault but SO MUCH HATE.

I left the ship and there was no one in sight. That happens whenever I land on a non-colonized planet but something felt different. It was just a feeling, just something about the atmosphere. Then we got attacked, some guy showed up and said someone named 'Fiden' (actually Fai Den, I looked it up because Fiden seemed too much like 'Fido' to be right) wanted to see us, we killed some more Geth, and then found the guy in question. Then, you guessed it, we were attacked by the Geth again.

Jesus.

Fai Den had this self-identified 'rent a cop' standing by him. She was very bitter and my first impression was that she was a bitch but then I thought about the constant attacks I'd seen in the fifteen minutes I'd been there and was feeling much more charitable. She said she had no idea why the Geth have been attacking because they didn't find anything, really. She did suggest that the corporation that founded the colony, ExoGeni, might know more so we decided to go look around their headquarters or whatever you would call it.

She kept telling me that she didn't know about or couldn't tell me about very basic concepts that she really should be able to speak on. Such as, say, the planet she was living on. And that first messenger summoning me to Fai Den sounded pretty robotic. And I really was unnerved by all of this at the time; I'm not just saying this because of what happened afterwards.

But if that was weird and useless then Fai Den was something else entirely.

Apparently they had a water and food shortage and power problems. I tried asking him about them and was told that he didn't know a damn thing about it and I was given the name of the three people dealing with the problems. Well, okay. Maybe the colony leader can't personally deal with everything but he should know something about it besides who he passed the buck to! And why are these huge potentially colony-destroying problems only being handled by one person each? Honestly! No wonder they're having problems.

I offered to try evacuating them but, well, there was just something so damn special about this crumbling hellhole that Fai Den wouldn't hear of it. I wasn't trying to get involved but they shoved their problems in my face. That's their version of not being suspicious.

I went up to another woman who quite honestly seemed like she was from a possession movie. She was the only surviving crew member of a crashed ship that needed to be fixed and, strangely, even though she didn't seem to like it she mentioned something weird about how if there were no Geth attacks she might just randomly stay here. What the hell? This place sucks. Some other people have even noticed this. Why is everyone so keen to stay? And she was very suspicious about why she was guarding the ship. At least she didn't want me to do anything.

I spoke to another one of the puppet people, this time a salarian merchant who had only wanted to make a quick profit but then mysteriously decided to stay on. And then there was the water person who insisted she had no time to talk since she was busy trying to sort out the water situation. But since there was no way to sort it out besides killing the Geth who were stopping them from getting water, I don't see why she was so damn busy. And just because me flying water in wouldn't be a long-term solution doesn't mean she had to just spit on the idea for right now until we got those Geth out of the way.

These colonists pretty much suck, you know?

I volunteered to bring in supplies for the water, food, and power problems but I was rebuffed all three times. They just really do not want outside interference. SUSPICIOUS!

And every time I asked anyone anything they pointed me to Fai Den and firmly refused to speak of it themselves. Even the pod people managed to be more convincing than this and it wasn't even really them, I'm just saying. I literally asked every person I came across and they all had the same answer. Total cult, I'm telling you.

There was a woman in agony in the hospital bay who kept trying to tell me something and then changing her mind. I liked her.

I took it upon myself to save them on all three counts but was anyone grateful? No, it was just 'Oh no, now we have more time to worry about the Geth!' These people…

But then, in the sewers, I found something I believed was promising and the second colonist I actually liked. Go figure.

He was in a great deal of pain the whole time, especially when he tried to tell me about…something. Sort of like that woman from earlier. I was told he was just crazy and he certainly seemed it but at the same time…This place was just so weird and why not? He was fighting something and mentioned that the pain was just the 'whip of the master' letting him know he was still alive. He was probably disturbed but I wanted to help him and he just seemed so defeated when he ran off. I'm worried about him. I'll have to remember to check in on him when I'm done here.

After leaving Zhu's Hope, I found that there were just more survivors (after fighting my way through a ton of Geth, of course. If I forget to keep mentioning that I've been doing that then just keep in mind I've probably killed at least a couple in between every other thing I do on this planet) hiding in a shack of some kind.

The two I spoke with were Ethan and Juliana. I liked them because they could answer a damn question. It's true! I asked Juliana about Zhu's Hope and she told me all about it! I was beginning to despair of ever finding anybody who could since they kept pointing me to a man who didn't seem to be aware of what was going on around him. She wanted me to find her missing daughter and was very helpful.

Ethan was the typical company man just waiting for reinforcements. He's kind of an ass since he openly told Juliana I shouldn't waste time looking for the daughter because she was probably dead and they could count casualties later. He also wrote off the people of Zhu's Hope and, from his nervous 'I said they were probably dead!' when confronted about it, I'm not sure that he really thought that. And he was so adamant about not joining them…Sure it was risky but I get the feeling he knows more than he's letting on. And let's not even forget his worry that I'll find time to poke around in ExoGeni secrets while I'm ridding this place of Geth. Under ordinary circumstances, I probably wouldn't like the guy but look who his competition was!

I figured, secrets or no secrets, I wasn't getting anything more out of him and so let him be for now. He tried to get me to sign a damn waiver about any injuries suffered in their headquarters from the Geth. Yeah, not happening. Not that I plan to sue but come on.

When I got to the headquarters (there was a barrier so I had to sneak it another way) I found what appeared to be a dead dinosaur. Well, okay then.

And then Lisbeth – Juliana's daughter – attempted to kill me. So much for needing to be rescued. Okay, so she immediately apologized and said she thought we were Geth or Varen (I guess that was the dinosaur) but who the hell fires without looking to see what you're shooting? And she did say 'damn it' like she was annoyed at missing and not horrified that she almost murdered innoc…almost murdered fellow humans.

Anyway, I told her that her mother was alive and she was thrilled because she had thought everyone else died. She didn't actually seem upset before I told her this and afterwards she was more 'deeply emotional' than 'thrilled' so maybe she was actually not that happy after all. I don't know.

She was actually rather helpful even if I thought she was holding back on me. But then she gave me her pass to go interrogate the computer with so maybe she is on the level. She said she was left behind in the first place because when the Geth attacked everyone else fled and she stayed to back up the data. Finally, an employee whose dedication would do Ethan proud!

She also told me that she suspected something called the 'Thorian' was involved. First of all, that sounds like something out of Dr. Seuss. And was this what those two were trying to mention? Apparently it is an indigenous plant life form that ExoGeni was studying and everyone else who knew was lying about. And the sewer guy had mentioned a 'thorn in the side of' and while that is a common enough expression…maybe…

Or maybe I'm just reaching, I don't know.

I had to wait to use the computer because some random Krogan mercenary was there and was threatening the VI (ha! Got it right this time!) to try to get access to something. Threatening a computer never works. They just aren't intimidated. The VI blew my cover – not that I was really hiding but still – by announcing that a 'queue' had formed behind him. I can only assume that that is some strange VI way of saying a line.

Then I killed the Krogan mercenary since his reaction to a line was to fire at will.

Fortunately, VIs are incapable of recognizing the concept of a 'suspicious question.' I asked what the Krogan wanted to know and it didn't really tell me but rather said that it wasn't going to tell the Krogan anything at all. It didn't find it suspicious when I asked what 'my' file looked like and, upon finding out about a probation, what was up with that. I guess that this and the fact that I look nothing like her just proves that for all we – maybe I – tend to think of VIs as extremely intelligent and for all that they can respond to verbal questions, they're not quite advanced enough to look at someone and see if they resemble who they claim to be.

Since I wasn't actually getting blocked on any of my questions, I was starting to wonder why Lisbeth hadn't asked these same questions and gotten these answers. It turns out she did but it was so bad she didn't want to tell me herself and made the computer do it. At least her probation is because she opposed the shit that ExoGeni is pulling here. Not enough to report it or try to help or anything but it's a start. I bet Ethan knows all about it. This is exactly the kind of corporate secret he didn't want me learning about while killing the Geth.

Unfortunately, I can't just leave because there's this barrier I need to take down. And it's blocking communications with Joker, too. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother calling him and trying to warn him of something because communications are always blocked. Still, maybe one time they won't be and I wouldn't like to fail to warn him of something just because I assumed I wouldn't be able to.

Okay, so how to explain…It turns out that that crazy guy wasn't crazy and that sick woman wasn't sick. No, instead it is all the Thorian's fault. About a month ago or so (the VI said 'many weeks' and that after twenty-eight days eighty-five percent had been infected so let's go with about a month) ExoGeni discovered a giant and mysterious alien plant called the Thorian and they were infected with spores. Since the plant is somewhere near Zhu's Hope and ExoGeni is apparently shady as hell, they decided to use their people living there as test subjects without their knowledge or consent (20th century much?) and knowingly exposed them all.

The results seem to be that their will is sapped because they have such agonizing pains when they try to resist that they just naturally stop trying to resist after awhile. The 'thralls' are treated as a carpenter would treat his tools and free to play at living until they're needed for something in particular. They take care of the Thorian's needs, such as they are. Apparently it was surviving just fine before discovery so I can't imagine it's very high-maintenance. And the VI claims that this is a survival technique? It doesn't seem like it needs this at all. And why can't it just be poison or something like a normal alien plant? Why enslave people? How can it do that?

I was joking earlier about the pod people thing but it's official: my life has turned into Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Sleeping doesn't seem to have anything to do with it so that's one thing. On the other, since spores are involved I can only assume that contamination is airborne. No wonder Ethan wouldn't let anyone anywhere near Zhu's Hope. I know that I'm not contaminated – pretty sure I'm not – because I haven't suffered any pain since coming. Nor has my team complained although I just have to take their word for it.

So now we not only have to deal with the Geth but probably destroy a giant stupid slaving plant (is there no one you can trust anymore? Geez) and pray that we don't have to massacre Zhu's Hope to do it. And also hope that we don't get infected before we figure it out. I don't have time to just 'really like it here' while Saren is off screwing over the galaxy somehow. Although it is interesting to note that so many people I asked says that Zhu's Hope 'just grew on them.' Well, the Thorian did at any rate.

This is disgusting and I am offended on their behalf. This is just like the batarians and Talitha.

I don't even care if it's necessary or if I can try to reason with this thing. I don't care if it has nothing to do with my mission. I don't even care how dreadfully inconveniencing this all is or how it might make me look.

That fucking plant is going down.

If my team recognizes the threat to us (or at least to Kaidan, Ashley, and myself. Tali never breathes unfiltered air anyway and who knows if non-humans are as susceptible?) then they don't say anything. Wise. Knowing won't protect us besides just making us hurry and why panic anyone who hasn't worked it out? I'm certainly not saying anything.

So yeah, we destroyed the Geth ship and that was really boring and yet simultaneously annoying. Why couldn't it just be one or the other?

Once the Geth were gone, I heard Joker trying to radio us. It sounded like he'd been trying for quite some time so I'm impressed with his dedication. And not that I mind him urgently wanting my attention. I'm just saying.

But anyway, apparently the colonists had 'gone mad' (read: recognized the Normandy as a threat) and were scrambling to get in so Joker simply put the ship on lockdown. Or, hell, maybe Presley did. He is supposed to be the XO or something and it looks like now he finally has something to do. Captain Anderson had me do all sorts of things when I was his XO but I really give poor Presley nothing. But he is really old and hardly Spectre material like me so perhaps it was this or retirement. Maybe not poor Presley then.

And it's good to know that in the event of a zombie apocalypse the Normandy will be ready.

We met Lisbeth again. I don't know why she tried to lie to me when she gave me her pass-card that would let me find the truth. Maybe she didn't think I'd be this nosy. Anyway, she claimed that she really stayed behind to tell colonial affairs what was going on but the power cut and she was threatened with being given to the Thorian if she caused any more problems. Well, though I probably would have responded by killing everyone who implied that they thought that that was a viable option, I recognize that not everybody has my particular brand of problem-solving skills. Probably for the best. We can't all solve our problems this way but I'm lucky enough to be one of the few that can.

We took her with us and killed some more Geth to get back to her mother and Ethan. Joker was a lot more calm two minutes after his first call when he let us know that more Geth were incoming. Really it was a remarkable turnaround.

Ethan is just…ugh. When we got back he had managed to get in touch with ExoGeni and they had ordered the whole colony be purged to cover up what happened. Juliana was the only one who cared apparently and so the security guards were dragging her off. Lisbeth couldn't handle that so she blew our cover and then I had to come out, too.

Juliana didn't know about the Thorian so Lisbeth sheepishly explained. She also mentioned that the Thorian is actually in Zhu's Hope and that weird ship is covering the entrance and was moved there when the Geth attacked. We think that Saren might have been after the mind-control properties of the Thorian but, really, he already has some form of mind-control so why does he need this? Does he just want a monopoly or something? I'm starting to think we're going to learn nothing from this like we learned nothing from Noveria.

Apparently Ethan was disappointed that Lisbeth survived and also wanted me, humanity's current biggest asset, to die. He looked me up as well as called ExoGeni in the ten minutes communications have been back up and 'found out' about what I did during the Blitz. Everyone else in the galaxy already knows but if he had to look it up then so be it. He claimed that they didn't need my heroics here since he was happy killing everyone. What kind of person turns down free heroics? What, did he think I'd call a press conference? I leave that up to the victims.

Fortunately, I had just come from Noveria and so I knew just what to say. I told him that if they saved the colony and played the 'we stood by our colony while it fought off an alien invasion' card then they'd make a ton of money and get great PR. He was sold instantly. Juliana was disgusted that ExoGeni might yet profit from their colossal fuck-up but she doesn't want everyone to be killed so she's going with it.

Then Ethan said we'd need to kill all of the infected colonists or that might be an obstacle to our plan (and keep infecting people but he didn't mention needing to rid us of the Thorian) and Juliana was opposed. Fortunately, Lisbeth can offer more than moral outrage and suggested killing the Thorian would free the colonists. I wasn't sure I'd be able to fend off armed – if not trained – colonists out to kill me without killing any of them but I promised I'd try.

Fortunately, Juliana decided to be helpful after all and offered us insecticide to combine with concussion grenades to paralyze the colonists. The rest I'm hitting in the head with my gun and hoping I don't accidentally fracture their skulls.

As I left, Lisbeth sounded hopeful about 'freeing our friends after all.'

…So wait, she's friends with these people? As in, more than one?

Yeah, coerced or not she's probably the worst friend ever.

Except for Saren killing Nihlus, I suppose. Well, at least I don't have to worry about her trying to conquer the galaxy or exterminate it or whatever it is that he's supposed to be doing.


	13. Chapter 13

Frankly, each and every colonist of Feros is lucky to still be breathing. They weren't well-armed so I suppose that I was never in any real danger but they swarmed me like Husks and triggered my claustrophobia. I was this close to just shooting them and getting it over with.

Still, I had promised Juliana and the others that I would miraculously save everyone and I didn't want to have to eat my words. And yes, that was pretty much what decided me but I just let everyone assume that I was just super-dedicated to the life-saving.

I think my team was as annoyed as I was but they followed my lead. It was a very close thing with Wrex. I have rarely been more relieved that I didn't give into everyone's bizarre preference that I only take two people with me at a time.

Once we took out what honestly felt like every damn colonist in Zhu's Hope, we had moved to the ship and were about to go down and find the Thorian when who should show up but Fai Den?

He appeared to be in a great deal of pain for the first time so I guess he finally grew a spine and was fighting. We just kind of stood there and stared each other down for awhile before he shakily reached for a gun and, suddenly able to discuss the Thorian like that guy who was so good at fighting he could leave the colony altogether, he said that the Thorian wanted him to kill us and he wouldn't so he shot himself.

I don't know why he didn't just break his gun or throw it away or something but I suppose I shouldn't judge him too harshly. After all, that whole thing was completely unnecessary and could have been avoided so easily if only we had incapacitated him like we had everyone else. We certainly had the time while he was being all dramatic. But no. We just watched him and for the life of me I don't understand why. But, you know, I never liked him anyway so it could be worse.

When we got inside, we quickly located the Thorian. What a place to build a colony!

It…I don't even know how to describe it. It didn't look like a plant, not at all. The closest plant it looked like would be one of those weird violent plants in those old Mario games with the two leaf hands and the actual head with all that red and teeth…I'm not describing it very well, either, am I? I'm just not a describer.

It's just that the plant was clearly breathing heavily and so massive and bulging. It was more like a giant mutant insect or something. This company has gotten everything else wrong, after all.

It managed to spit out an Asari that was a very curious shade of green and with facial markings that just bothered me for some reason I can't possibly put into words. I initially wasn't sure if this was a real Asari (why was she in the Thorian if she was?) or if she was just a Thorian construct. As this is a very human colony, I wouldn't know why an artificial life-form would be an Asari but everyone else is obsessed with them so why not the Thorian?

The Asari explained that she was a follower of Matriarch Benezia in life – that answers that question – but Saren had traded her to the Thorian in exchange for some sort of information. And…apparently she had just let that happen. Saren must be pretty damn persuasive then or perhaps this Asari is just an idiot.

She seemed to be possessed by the Thorian and definitely talking in a deeper, creepy probably possessed voice. Saren gave the Asari because the Thorian could not communicate with other species and he needed to talk business and for some reason it couldn't possess one of its thralls. You know, this is just like with the Rachni. How is it that all the species that cannot communicate with us still somehow find themselves perfectly capable of possessing people and using them? It's just weird is all I'm saying. How does evolution not allow normal communication but possession is super easy?

Whatever. So Saren predictably broke his word (who knows why? Maybe he just gets off on betrayal now) and so he sent the Geth to attack the minute he left. I…guess maybe we're not all that far behind him after all. It's somewhat comforting to know we're not the only ones screwing around. Still, this galaxy!

Despite the fact that we had no expectation of speaking with the Thorian since we had been told it was a giant plant but it still volunteered to communicate with us by ejecting the Asari. So what was the point of doing that if all it had to say was that it didn't trust us and was going to try to kill us? Not enslave us because maybe we haven't been here long enough or it doesn't like us or maybe it just never thought of it.

The Asari attacked us and we easily took her down but somehow didn't kill her for once. We shot off the tentacles or whatever – do plants even have tentacles? – that were anchoring the Thorian to the wall and it just went SPLAT! and died. Go us.

Then the townspeople were back to normal and, by the time we emerged, the scientists somehow came back even though they weren't supposed to until we gave them the all-clear. Everyone had woken up and removed Fai Den's body and…seriously, we weren't in there all that long. Well, we were held up a little by that no-longer-green Asari who offered to give me the knowledge that the Thorian gave Saren about the Protheans.

Okay, even if the Thorian had still been around at that point, why would it know anything about the Protheans when it was hiding away on backwater Feros? And why should I need to alter my mind to match the Protheans to be able to understand the messages? No one else has to alter their minds when ancient aliens possess them but the Protheans have weird Prothean-only messages? Lame.

She looked really sinister approaching me but I sort of had to let her attempt to help because otherwise this whole trip would have just been one giant waste of time (aside from the colonists saved, I guess, but come on). I have to say, I didn't notice a difference from the first vision but apparently in time my mind will put it together. Or something. I'm rather doubtful personally.

And I don't trust her anyway. Never mind that she followed Saren and let herself be eaten by the Thorian. She pleaded indoctrination there. Apparently if you spend enough time on Saren's ship (she's the second person to mention his evil ship to me) then it makes you on his side and thinking that some really stupid ideas are brilliant. They claim that the process is inevitable but how long it takes varies. I wonder if Saren himself could fall prey to this. He probably spends more time on his own ship than anybody. Or maybe he's the one indoctrinating people. Or maybe people are just claiming this to erase their own culpability. I really don't know.

What I do know is that she was actually sad that the Thorian was destroyed! That malevolent monster was enslaving everybody and actually ate her and used her as a literal puppet and yet she's sad? She claimed that it was so old and alien and we could not comprehend it or whatever but that's just ridiculous. It was evil and had to be put down and there is nothing worth lamenting about our actions. Why must people invent reasons to be sad? God knows the universe gives us enough of them.

Mindoir, for instance.

So yes, completely untrustworthy.

The townspeople were sad that their leader was such a dumbass and killed himself although fortunately didn't think to blame us for our inaction there that contributed to his death. But of course none of them saw it since we had knocked them all out.

Juliana claimed ExoGeni was giving them a ton of credits so they'd be fine monetarily although for the life of me I don't understand why they're staying. They gave me some weird Old West 'we will endure' spiel but I still think it's stupid. Feros sucks. And they all seem to want to stay. I wonder if they are all completely back to normal after all or if this is some kind of lingering Thorian effect. Oh well, not my problem. I saved their lives and there was nothing more that I could have done.

That 'sick' woman from earlier was much better and I hope pleased with how much stronger she was than virtually everyone else. The strongest man in the colony was a little uncomfortable with all the praise I heaped on him before I left but, well, he deserved it. I can't remember his name but, unlike with most people whose names I can't remember, I feel like I probably should.

When I left and called the Council I was certain that this time, at least, there would be nothing to yell at me about as we didn't hear about anything unbelievable save the Thorian and that was well-documented by ExoGeni…who might not want to share what happened come to think of it. Well, they'd have to share something to get that PR boost from surviving it. And I didn't fail to commit genocide on a species that hadn't earned it in thousands of years or anything like that. What could they possibly find to disapprove of?

Well, it turns out that my single-handedly saving the colony with but one casualty (not that I'm bitter about that) is both impressive and admirable…but of course I would do that for a human colony. The Turian Councilor actually accused me of not trying that hard when tasked to save a hypothetical non-human colony! But…saving people is my thing! It's what people know me for. Of course I would have. I probably would have cared less, true, but I still would have put just as much effort into it given that I barely cared this time!

It hurt that he would think so little of me even though he was half-right and he has given me much to think about. As usual, he's far more useful than the other two.

I took time off from flirting with Kaidan (apparently I'm better at compartmentalizing than he is because I have no problems keeping it professional when I need to and he seems to be struggling) to ask about the mission and he thinks that with all the proof we've collected the Council will soon back us up. That's almost adorable. And what proof? I'm still not entirely sure what Saren thinks he's doing and if it will work. Ah, well. He'll find out soon enough. I might be surprised but, well, kind of doubt it. And who wants to share the glory anyway? Certainly not humanity as a whole in our epic quest to gain a council seat.

Garrus really freaked me out. I don't do freak-outs well. I might have kind of blurted out 'are you breaking up with me?' and…yeah. But it's not my fault! He was talking about how much I've taught him and how much he's grown and saying a whole lot of things that sounded like he was quoting them, probably from me, but I couldn't remember ever saying…And he even said he wanted to go back to C-Sec and apply for the Spectres! He said something truly hilarious about how if the people who he's protecting can't trust him then he must not deserve to protect them and it's like, seriously? Deserve to protect them? I think he may have gone a bit overboard. But whatever makes him happy. And who cares if he wanted Saleon dead mostly because he escaped from him? If someone should die for nobler reasons than does it matter what your reasons are? Really? I don't think so.

At any rate, fortunately Garrus isn't leaving until Saren is defeated. I wonder what his real reason for wanting him dead is.

Ashley, as per usual, had very little to say. I think our strong sexual tension makes her uncomfortable, personally, and maybe my strong pro-alien stance does as well. She did comment on how weird she thought it was that I got what's-his-name (I did know it once but I'm too lazy to go check an earlier entry) to fund the colony even though it was kind of bloody useless. Why is it so surprising I'm good at getting people to do what I want? I'm the one who made it to be the first human Spectre, after all, and I'm the one they're entrusting our council seat acquisition to.

Then I was reminded just why Wrex sort-of terrifies me. He told me another old war story and the message that I got was that, by virtue of being his friend, if he ever gets hired to kill me he'll warn me first and let me know where we'll be fighting. At least the last person that happened with, an Asari named Aleena, managed to survive. Granted this was only after fighting for several days, killing most of the local – mercenary – population, and blowing up the spaceship that she herself was on. But still! And major props.

Tali is clearly getting bored since she kept pestering me about when we were going to defeat Saren. Oh, she was a little more subtle than that, saying things like 'It feels like we're getting close to the end' and 'We'll defeat Saren soon, won't we?' but I can see right through her. I personally feel like we've made no progress at all and are out of leads but who knows? Maybe one will literally drop into our laps or my mind will spontaneously make sense of that weird horror show I got from the Protheans.

So, uh, perhaps my daring – and nearly bloodless – rescue of the Zhu's Hope colonists wasn't such a good idea after all. I say this not because the colonists themselves have been annoying me, I haven't heard from them, but because now Admiral Hackett wants to send me in to deal with some biotics that took a research facility hostage and drugged all the scientists.

I went in there, not sure what to do since I was out of that nerve gas thing and I didn't want to shoot the hostages and I found out that it was all actually very easy. We couldn't just shoot anything that moved but the terrorists didn't even try to use the hostages to their advantage and the hostages themselves just sort of wandered around in a daze. We shot around them and the day was saved. Completely bloodlessly this time. Well, except for all those biotics that I killed. But they were bad guys so it totally doesn't count.

Admiral Hackett apparently didn't think that it could have been done so why, pray tell, did he send me? Maybe he thought I would just minimize the casualties. Nope, not me. When I go, I go hard. He was more pleased than I've ever heard him and said that I was a credit to the uniform and more soldiers should have my definition of 'just doing their job.' They really should. Although, really, I'm doing it for the adulation.

So I went all the way to the Citadel to check in with Udina and Anderson and Udina was pleased, for once, at what I did. Probably because he shares the Turian Councilor's opinion, come to think of it. He swore up and down that had they known about the Thorian then they never would have let ExoGeni build a colony there. I never thought that they would but I've got to admit that all these denials are making me a little suspicious.

Anyway, he made it clear he was thrilled to pieces I saved the colony because we can't afford too many failures or our image suffers. I called him on his open callousness (I agree but come on! He's going to say that in front of Anderson and I?) and he went on a rant about how you can't escape politics. That is true but that doesn't mean he can't be concerned with the politics and also slightly concerned about the humans saved. I mean, I'm not but then I saved them so I don't have to be.

Somehow or other, while we were just drifting around trying to come up with something to do, Joker stumbled across an asteroid plummeting towards Terra Nova and insisted that I get involved. I picked up a distress signal from someone named Kate Bowman – I know this because she kept repeating it – and found some Batarian terrorists that had taken the asteroid hostages and were going to send it crashing into the planet. I know, I know, what's the difference between a Batarian and a terrorist. Well, most Batarians that I've come across are criminal and hate us but they're not interested in genocide like these are.

I met this other guy who looked to be about forty and yet claimed to have grandchildren living on the planet. I guess he had kids young and they got pregnant at sixteen or something. Either that or he's found the Fountain of Youth. But anyway, he says there are four million people there and the impact will destroy the planet's environment forever practically and we can't evacuate. Also, could I please go out and look for his team while I stop the asteroid and he just sort of stands around fretting? Sure, why the hell not?

I'm kind of trapped here because I can't just let four million people die horribly and ruin the planet forever but this whole thing is majorly inconvenient.

While I was saving the date, Kate Bowman swore because of the awful situation and then actually apologized for it. Like, seriously? I get it. It's very stressful and we were all probably going to die. Then I lost contact with her and I found out later that the Batarians broke in and threatened to kill someone (her brother, maybe?) unless she told them who was saving the day. I'm not entirely sure that she even knew but even if she did, what difference would telling make? It wouldn't automatically make them able to stop us.

She just turned her back and allowed her brother to get shot. And I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to respect her bravery and this tough decision but…I don't. Not at all. Maybe the Batarian wouldn't have kept their word and still killed her brother but it was worth a shot! Revealing my name wouldn't have been a betrayal! It's not like I had any friends or family on the asteroid or the planet to be used against me! Honestly, she just let her brother die for literally no reason at all. What an idiot. Not that I will be telling her any of this but seriously. Sacrifices should only be made when necessary or at least expedient! This accomplished literally nothing except annoying the Batarians. If I had a brother then I'd like to think that his life would be worth a little more than my damn pride.

Oh, yeah, I also ran into the second-in-command who was whining about how this wasn't his idea and he just wanted to peacefully grab some slaves and what's the harm in that? Talitha is what's wrong with that. I was this close to talking him into leaving peacefully with the promise that I'd kill the leader but I just couldn't stop thinking about her so I ended up killing them all. It's probably for the best since they're slavers and no one will judge me for it.

And I didn't even end up killing the main guy so, yeah, definitely good I didn't promise to do that and leave two pissed-off groups of Batarians out for my blood. The leader, Balak, seems to be a fan of revisionist history. Basically, he thinks he has no other choice than to try and kill as many of us as possible. You may be wondering why he thinks that. Well, the why I couldn't tell you but his reasoning seems to be that all the problems that Batarians have ever had ever is all humanity's fault.

Every planet we go to and resource we use could have been used by Batarians instead. They weren't and you could say that about any planet or resource anyone else uses ever but would he listen? Of course not. The Batarians had a long history of taking over other people's colonies long before we even showed up on the scene and maybe we both were settling the same region but what's wrong with that? When the Batarians couldn't get the Council to kick us out they sort of ran away from the galaxy and don't even have an embassy anymore…which is also our fault.

They attacked us on Elysium and so maybe we did respond rather…ruthlessly at Torfan where every single slaver there was killed but…they were slavers and we did have to do something so they wouldn't think it was cool to just attack us whenever they felt like it. They haven't attacked us in a meaningful way since and before Elysium we also had to deal with Mindoir.

The problem is, really, that the Batarians all act like (well, to be fair the criminal Batarian elements. The normal citizens aren't allowed to leave their homes so we don't get the most balanced picture of their race and we know that literally every Batarian we come across is a criminal of some degree) slaving isn't a big problem. It's just part of their culture and right up there with selling drugs. Um, no it's not. Slavery is probably the worst thing ever and any culture that doesn't agree is not a culture that I feel is worth very much.

Balak acted like he thought he was really going to convince me when I had only just managed to stop his little genocide and I was 'refusing to understand.' Maybe so but he was refusing to behave like a rational person so I think we're about even.

I had to let him go, though, because otherwise the hostages (not my friends no matter how many times Balak said that) were all going to die. It was a difficult decision because if I killed Balak now then the hostages would be his last victims whereas if I didn't he might have untold millions of deaths in his future. He almost had four million today. But how would it look if I let the hostages die? I don't really have to mention the fact that I literally just let Balak walk out of there. I had a talk with the hostages about morale and image and whatnot and even though they'd rather tell the galaxy that I nobly saved them instead of killing Balak…well, I don't think that is how it will play to everyone else.

And that weird forty-something grandfather totally judged me for not killing his people to bring the Batarians down. Oh, whatever. 'Will you get in trouble for this?' It's like 'I don't know, will I?' I will deny anything he says to the public! He did appear at the end and say that he was there in case he could help…but he couldn't. Or wouldn't, I don't even know. And apparently all the time I was hurrying up was unnecessary as I still had an hour to spare. He seemed to act like I was cutting it close but that was plenty of time.

And despite how worried he was about his crew, he just up and left before I opened the door and found the hostages alive. And his missing engineers were executed and stuff. I guess he wasn't that concerned after all. I thought Kate was going to judge me, too, but she was actually awed by my choice so – even though she brought up her brother – I managed to not call her a dumbass for letting him die for nothing. And it turns out she didn't even know my name! Honestly, why didn't she say something?

She said something about how Balak was talking about the 'will of the Batarian Rebellion.' Did…Balak have some sort of authorized (unofficial or otherwise) sanction? That's…rather disturbing. Maybe not surprising, though.


	14. Chapter 14

It occurred to me, as Joker told me that we had a top-clearance message from the Citadel, that I never seem to get called unless I'm readily available to take said call. That seems…a little unlikely, actually, but Joker swears I never actually miss calls and he lives in the cockpit so I suppose he'd know.

Since it was from the Council, it's 'top secret' and I have to take it in the briefing room. Kind of a waste of time if you ask me since I'm terrible with secrets. I just forget who is allowed to know what and so if this is something that anybody besides me knows, chances are that everybody around me is going to know it before long.

The Asari councilor continued to freak me out but this time it wasn't just because of just how disturbing of a person I find her (for reasons I'm not entirely sure of) but because her pupils and irises and had sort of fused together and were glowing brightly. Was no one else concerned by that? I was concerned by that. It could just be the transmission (though it's never done that before) but it really does look like she's possessed. And was I imagining that the Salarian councilor's eyes looked strange, too? I can't be sure but they definitely looked buggy. Buggy as in like a bug not, well, the other meaning. Although maybe…And the Turian councilor couldn't even be bothered to be there! I was sad since he's the only one on the council I can actually stand.

They suggested I go to Virmire because they had a team looking into Saren and they 'know of my interest' in him. Please. I have no interest in him. I'm just looking for him because they sent me out there and they hear my mission reports whenever I actually do something so how can they just pretend this is some idea I have and they try not to interfere? Lame.

They decided that since they got a static-y message from their team, it must mean that they found Saren and I need to go check it out. Or maybe they were just getting their asses killed. Just a suggestion.

But it's my choice, of course.

I don't want to do it but I have literally hit a dead-end here so why not?

The planet itself was very beautiful but made significantly less so by all the damn anti-aircraft towers. And the fact that Ashley died. But that probably needs some explaining, doesn't it?

We met a Salarian commander who told us that our ship was grounded because even though I took out a few anti-aircraft towers already, every tower on the whole planet (or thereabouts) was aware of us now and looking to take us out. Damn.

The commander wanted us to just sit tight and wait for reinforcements and was not pleased to hear that we were all that was sent even though he had – tried to – request a fleet. Well, everyone says a Spectre is as good as an army but I guess the commander doesn't agree. He's terribly practically-minded. I think I like him.

It helps, of course, that it turns out that Saren's entire base of operation is here and Saren himself is probably also still present. But then he said the fatal words 'trying to cure the genophage' and Wrex just came in out of nowhere and started getting pissy that the commander wanted to destroy the cure. And yeah, maybe the cure is his species' only hope for survival (I always knew he still cared!) but these Krogan all want to kill us and conquer the galaxy with Saren so I am going to cut them all down.

I made the mistake of asking what was so important about curing the genophage and instantly Wrex and the commander started going at it. I also inadvertently made myself look stupid, too, since everybody knows about the genophage. It wasn't even what I was asking, either, I swear. Not that anybody believed me…

So Wrex stormed off and the commander got all testy and asked if Wrex was going to be a problem because we're going to destroy the first hope he's ever had for his species. Show some damn compassion, man! Salarians never seem to have any. Not that I've had much experience with them to be honest.

Kaidan and Ashley were similarly worried though Ashley was worried in a 'Am I going to have to put him down' kind of way that made me realize for the first time how much Wrex's name sounds like the kind of name that people give their dogs. And…I am never going to share that revelation with anybody ever for fear of that getting back to him somehow.

I went to go talk to Wrex and, despite the fact I never did hunt down his old family armor (maybe I can delegate that?), I managed to talk him down. He pulled a gun on me! Ashley pulled one on him, too, but I really didn't need the help. I didn't even pull a gun in turn. It takes far more than one shot to bring me down; I know that from experience.

He had a couple of annoyingly valid points about how Saren was helping his people and I kind of wasn't (even though he assured me that I'm totally great, too) but none of them could trump that conspiracy theory that everyone has that Saren is out to destroy all life. Who cares if the Krogans can reproduce properly if they're all dead? I had honestly never thought I'd be so grateful for that fairytale!

Wrex looked rather put-out that he had to abandon his dream so quickly and have to actually aid in the destroying of the genophage cure (well, I say have to but you know how it is) but fortunately he has decided not to take this out on me but on Saren, who he now wants to kill personally. Fine by me as long as I get to take credit for it.

Fortunately, he either didn't see or pretended not to see that Ashley was totally going to shoot him.

Frankly, I'm amazed that that actually worked. I don't know that I'd be that reasonable if it were my species at stake. Well, maybe out of sheer self-preservation with all those guns aimed at me. But hey, I'm practically unkillable. Not that I want to put that to the test or something.

I went back to the commander who told me that he actually had a plan and so I didn't have to come up with one! Sweet. Though this plan is probably suicidal and involves us charging into the base on foot and then setting off a nuke and hoping we get out in time. Not so sweet. And for some reason (I don't remember what but it was probably a stupid reason) he wanted to take a member of my team. I wanted to tell him to use his own damn team but then Ashley and Kaidan fell all over themselves volunteering.

If I had to use anyone, I would have preferred to send Liara so I could be free of her for a little while but everyone insisted that it had to be someone who knows Alliance communication protocol. First of all, it really doesn't because plenty of people not from the same species communicate via radio all the time. And secondly, does anyone really think that the Alliance still has secrets from these people who have been given free access to the Normandy all this time? That's almost cute.

I eventually sent Kaidan with the Salarians even though they're the ones more likely to all get killed. What can I say? I just liked how Ashley said 'Why is it that whenever anyone says 'with all due respect', what they mean is 'kiss my ass'?'

Although she wanted to not go with me…Why are they both so eager to get away from me today? Or are they just being suicidal? I'm not sure which is worse, actually.

Then the commander gave this really epic speech, the best I've ever heard. It was all 'our influence will stop Saren' and 'we held the line.' Just lovely. I wish I could remember more of it or that I had recorded it or something. Salarians aren't usually known for their stirring speeches but this was a thing of beauty!

The commander said that he hoped to see me again sometime (sounded kind of date-ish but I know he just meant 'I hope we both don't die') and after that kick-ass speech, I'm really hoping it, too.

So I had to choose between hurrying up and doing what I was supposed to do (never my preferred option, honestly) or lollygagging and finding a way to sabotage their defenses at every turn. Hey, I'm saving lives, here! Probably.

And Jesus, the commander is chatty on the comm! Notably he has no difficulty using it despite not having any Alliance training. Just saying.

I did some boring base-clearing things and then came across a crazy Salarian. He seemed in really bad shape, all fallen to pieces. He said it was a relief to answer me because he had just been tortured with no questions. He was one of the commander's missing men. He really wanted to be let out and, though Ashley thought it was a terrible idea, I kind of had to do it. In an ideal world we'd leave him there until we could call people trained in this sort of thing but, well, we're totally nuking the base so we had to take our chances.

I almost didn't let him out because, right after I announced my intention to do so, he mentioned how good he was at following orders and how he ought to be after having the orders constantly repeated in his head. Such simple orders, too. I'm willing to be 'kill' was part of his imperative. And so we ended up killing him because he attacked us practically before we had time to turn our back. Ah, well. He would have died anyway. And how obvious could he get? He was practically screaming 'I am indoctrinated.'

I really hope that that never happens to me. With all this time I'm spending looking into this, whatever THIS is, I don't see how it won't if I live long enough but...I still don't want this to happen. It's a vain hope but it's there all the same.

And then we met another Salarian in similar straits but he seemed calmer. He told me that everyone was indoctrinated! How could I not let him out? Saren doesn't completely understand indoctrination and he's still playing with it? Idiot. Maybe he's indoctrinated. You know, the commander or someone mentioned that Saren was a Turian to me earlier and I have to admit I kind of forgot about that but God knows how. The captured Salarian's voice only started getting hysterical when talking about how he couldn't end up like the others who got indoctrinated but I judged that to be understandable.

And he didn't even attack me when I let him out, either, but instead just left. I hope he survives. It would really suck if he lived through all of that with his sanity more-or-less intact only to be blown apart by our blast. And, more to the point, I hope he meets up with someone with a radio or we'll probably just leave him behind. I kind of wonder why I told him that he was on his own instead of at least offering to let him come with us. Looking back, that was totally a bitch move.

And all of the other Salarian prisoners were standing there, swaying passively. They were like sheep. I let them out or at least tried to. They didn't move.

Then I met this Asari scientist who asked me not to shoot and I promised I wouldn't before knowing a damn thing about her. That…is probably not a good policy. I don't want to break my word on things like that so that people will stop believing me and fight when they don't have to but, on the other hand, I can't just let someone like Saren trap me that way.

She said that she was worried about being indoctrinated herself but couldn't leave or else Saren would kill her. I guess that made sense but why don't people check out really awesome job offers before accepting them? There's this old adage about 'if something sounds too good to be true…' And her eyes were glowing just like that Asari councilor's were. I swear, if this is how you tell Asari are indoctrinated…That species has always unsettled me.

She said she and the others weren't entirely sure what they were working on and, in that case, I have no idea how they actually managed to accomplish anything. She offered to let me use an elevator I apparently needed her codes or something for (or maybe it was hidden?) and so I took her up on that. I kept expecting her to attack me unexpectedly when I wasn't looking. I don't even know why, it was just a feeling I had.

I got my fifth or so indoctrination explanation. Why does everyone always have to explain it whenever they use the word? Why not just use a different word if they don't have faith that I know what it is?

I've got to say, that Asari gave a surprisingly good account of what indoctrination feels like (or maybe she was just making shit up). It really made me nervous. And she was using first person plural when talking about people being indoctrinated. But she ran away pretty quickly when I told her I was going to nuke the place. And I'll be honest, I really don't care if she survives or not.

Then we found another damn beacon. Just what I needed. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I went over to it and activated it. I hate the feeling of activating it, like a mind-rush that pulls at your eyes even when they're closed. I don't even know how to describe it but it is extremely unpleasant!

Maybe it was a feeling of inevitability. I always seem to see whatever bits of information are embedded in these beacons so might as well just get it over with now before any bad guys show up. Maybe I was hoping that, especially with that thing the Thorian sort-of gave me, I'd actually be able to make it out for once.

Well, I couldn't. That is, it slowed down long enough for me to see the sun or something – a sun – and a planet eclipsing it. Not at all helpful. I still don't have any idea what's going on and I felt vaguely nauseous and why bother making such giant and majestic beacons if it's going to show me less than half a minute's worth of information? It just doesn't make sense!

And…well, here's where it gets weird. Like this whole thing hasn't been weird enough, with me having visions straight out of that nightmare hell tunnel from that old golden ticket movie, whatever it was called.

I had seen, vaguely, what looked like giant alien scorpions that could fly. Yeah, I know. And then, here on Virmire, I saw one of them that was pulsing with red light. Super weird. I sort of just wanted to just go back the way I came or hurry up and blow this facility and not acknowledge that this ever happened but something told me that that would come back to bite me later. Besides, whose afraid of a little hallucination brought to life? Did I run into the Scarecrow somewhere?

I got closer and saw that it was actually just a red hologram. I was wondering about the size disparity.

So according to the ship (because the ship spoke and had a stereotypical evil voice, oddly enough), it is Sovereign. And…the outside of the ship has the ability to project itself as a hologram because…?

Whatever. That's really not the important thing. I got to hear more about this deluded fairytale! Though I suppose it really doesn't matter if it's true or not if Sovereign or Saren or whoever is going to try to 'continue the cycle.' Yep, that's right. There's evidently a cycle. The Protheans weren't the first ones to be wiped out by these Reapers but they were the ones to give the current name to them. I wonder if they also named Sovereign or if they were cool naming themselves but not their species. I'm sure that I don't know either way.

He said he's going to wipe us all out and really pissed me off by saying we only existed because his species 'allowed' it and we were all going to perish because he demanded it. You know what? Fuck him.

I tried asking for clarification and he just laughed at me. Okay, so maybe I couldn't think of anything more creative than slaves or resources as to why he's attacking us (going to attack? Has he actually done anything yet? His minions certainly have) but he seems to feel that he cannot even try to explain it to me because I could never possibly understand and that, furthermore, this is some failure of mine.

How is his inability to even attempt to explain something a failure on my part? Maybe he's right that I wouldn't understand (and maybe, just maybe, that is an indicator that his logic is super crazy and not that I am in some way deficient) but he's not even trying. He must have some reason and I refuse to believe that, whatever it is, there are no words to explain it. He's not having any linguistical difficulties other than that. Or at least none that he's willing to show. It's actually a little surprising that he's willing to show such a weakness in admitting he doesn't know how to explain it. Oh, wait, right. That's my weakness.

I bet he just either doesn't have a reason or knows his reason is incredibly stupid and so is trying to play all mysterious. Well it's not working! He is just annoying me and not being at all impressive. Although I suppose I don't really care why he's doing this. Chances are that if it's happened over and over again over countless cycles then it's not exactly something I can sway them from. His 'we have no beginning and no end' pseudo-God claims were also really irritating and rather delusional. How sad to not even make shit up about how they came to be.

Now, let's not confuse my mini-rant on what Sovereign said to be a statement of belief in him. I still don't buy any of this but I'm starting to really think that Saren does. And why not? Indoctrination, if nothing else, is terrifyingly real. This ship's mind control…it's rather disturbing. But it's no stranger than the Thorian, I guess.

And the worst part was that that damn ship hung up on me! He said that I was boring him or something or we'd run out of things to talk about – sort of true – and so he just up and destroyed the console! I'm not entirely sure how that happened, to be honest. Just that the glass windows suddenly smashed and then the console was gone. 'That was a boring conversation anyway', I suppose. Maybe Sovereign shot the console? Why would he bother instead of disconnecting? It just seems like overkill to me.

And now that Sovereign is heading our way and planning on killing us all (well, a little more immediate than usual) we've got to hurry. I'm not positive how fast or easily the ship can maneuver in the atmosphere or how big it is but I'd rather not wait around to find out.

I shot a truly appalling number of Geth (why are they everywhere? What do they even do when not attacking people?) and finally shut down the last of the anti-aircraft guns. Joker was exuberant but I was rather apprehensive, I must admit. I was worried Sovereign would wait until Joker had stopped to let us in and then just kill us all. I don't know it very well but it seems like a very Sovereign thing to do. Or maybe that's just what I would do if I were a giant genocidal ship and I don't want to imagine myself in that position.

A lot of people had to carry in the bomb because it was kind of huge. It also looked like a ladybug. I'm just saying, I'm sure it can do a lot of damage and kill a ton of people but it just doesn't look like it. This is the least threatening bomb I've ever seen. Admittedly usually I don't actually see the bombs but I have to imagine that they usually don't look this lame. But then again, they probably don't look like those black balls with the wick coming out of them like in video games either. Okay, fine, so I don't really know what a bomb looks like unless you count all those wires and that timer that you see in movies sometimes. But I'm sure that this isn't what it is supposed to look like!

I don't understand why there was a freaking river on top of the facility but it seemed to be clean water and not sewage (otherwise I'd be waiting on dry land for my little minions to place the bomb instead of waiting in the water for them to place the bomb) so…Drinking water, perhaps? Or maybe it's just one of those super secret and special Reaper things that I cannot possibly understand so therefore there is just no point in even trying to make me see it.

I was just sort of waiting around for Ashley to arm the bomb (why Ashley and not someone else? I honestly don't know. I wouldn't have thought of her as our resident bomb expert though, to be fair, I can't imagine who else would be either) when suddenly I got an urgent call from Kaidan.

He and the Salarians were pinned down on the anti-aircraft tower (AA just makes me think of batteries). I said we'd rescue them and he nixed that idea. So…he was just calling to let me know? What was the point of that? Ashley said she needed a couple of minutes to arm the bomb so we're going to go get Kaidan and the Salarians and then go back for her.

Is it really any surprise things just got extremely stupid and fail-ful (it's enough of a word for me right now) and Ashley up and died? Thinking back, I really don't think it is.


	15. Chapter 15

Since Kaidan couldn't get to the drop site and I am sort of morally opposed to just passively watching the people I know die because I can't be arsed to go get them, I decided to go get him anyway. As we had killed all of the Geth around and it was literally going to be a five minute round trip, I figured that it was okay to leave Ashley on her own.

It wasn't.

I swear, I had barely been gone a minute before Kaidan called to let me know that he was still dying and then Ashley called to let me know that she had somehow been swarmed and was going to detonate the bomb and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

Oh, wow, I just realized that I totally forgot to mention what happened when Saren showed up! Not that I'm stalling or anything. This bit is actually kind of important.

He's a Turian like Garrus but he doesn't actually look anything like Garrus. I don't think it's just the craziness or the evil, either. Huh. Maybe I'm finally learning to differentiate between members of their species? How odd. Members of other species still tend to look the same to me.

But anyway, Saren was on some cool hovercraft and he jumped off of it for some reason. He water he landed in defied the laws of reality by shattering like glass…Yeah, kind of weird.

Then we had an argument about how crazy he was.

Okay, technically it was about whether we should all bow down to the genocidal Reaper but it was really the same thing.

To begin with, his fanaticism was such that I was forced to sound like I was convinced that there were Reapers who regularly (well, every 50,000 years) went and wiped out all life in the galaxy. But you know? I'm really not convinced, even now.

Oh, I'll buy Saren's ship can brainwash people and he's crazy enough to take orders from it. I can even buy that that ship wants to go around killing everything and attacked the Protheans with an unknown degree of success. I have just seen no indication at all that there is more than one of these monstrosities.

He says that the Reapers intend to kill us all and they do this all the time. Pretend I believe that. He says that we have no chance. I am willing to entertain the possibility.

How in the world does that justify working with them again?

There is nothing I can think of right now that I hate more than that kind of bullshit enabler philosophy.

If the enemy's victory is inevitable then that's not a cart blanche to help them! Far from it. Of course they'll win if we all just give up! Maybe we don't know that they'd win without help. Maybe even if they would, it would have taken longer. If I knew that Sovereign was going to kill us all and the only choice I had was if it was going to be tomorrow or next year, I'd pick next year! I wouldn't go find him so it would be easier for him to murder me!

But then I'm not a crazy person.

Saren is such a dumbass. Or maybe he's just indoctrinated. He says that he knows he isn't because he's seen how competence decreases as indoctrination increases. As he is the figurehead charged with finding the Conduit, he must be competent so therefore he is not indoctrinated. I'm not so sure about that competency claim, personally. It's also kind of circular logic and, if true, really only evidence that he's not as indoctrinated as he could be.

But for someone who is so damn sure he's not indoctrinated, he sure has put a lot of thought into this.

I asked him how, if he was really not indoctrinated even though he totally is, he could be sure that he would remain unindoctrinated once he delivers what Sovereign needs.

Saren didn't come right out and say he was counting on a crazy genocidal ship having a sense of gratitude (I would have laughed right in his face if he had) but that was clearly what it was. He suggested that the Protheans died because they wouldn't submit which I call bull on right now. Even the Krogan submitted after the genophage. I neither know nor particularly care what the Protheans were like but sooner or later, when the Reapers had killed enough, they would have surrendered. He suggested that if we make ourselves useful to the Reapers and helped them, they would need us and spare us.

He clearly has not been speaking to his ship for all his obsession with it because Sovereign swore up and down that it had no need for any organic. It's something straight out of the galaxy's AI guidelines. I might not necessarily believe it (though the AI believe that I do and act accordingly so I might as well for all the difference that it makes) but everyone is so very sure that AI – such as Sovereign, god of the AI – need nothing of organics and so do not want them to exist. Though I reject the latter half of that generally, since Sovereign's purpose seems to be to wipe out all life, helping him wipe out all life does not seem like it is a very long-term gig. We are life, after all.

I don't want to forget to mention that apparently the Geth's strange worship of Sovereign kind of pisses him off as they are not 'worthy' to worship him. What a freak.

But anyway, Saren insisted that Sovereign promised to spare him if he helped. Well, if he promised. Naturally, I called him a selfish bastard. He was actually indignant about it and didn't seem to understand how I had gotten that impression from him being will to help destroy all life in exchange for his own. He was ranting about saving more lives than have ever existed and I was all 'How? By killing their ancestors?'

I didn't know Saren before and so I can't be sure (Anderson's stories are far from flattering) but dear God above I hope he is indoctrinated. If not then he is just the stupidest person ever and he's a SPECTRE! I expect him to need a certain amount of brainwashing before he starts spouting off this crap.

We fought for a bit but then some alarms went off saying that the building was going to blow up and so he ran away. I almost s hot him as he was leaving. I had a very clear shot. I didn't even try to take it and I don't even know why but that is definitely not going in my report.

But back to Ashley and Kaidan. I only had time to save one of them.

Kaidan was the higher-ranking officer. Saving him meant saving all of those Salarians as well. I was already halfway there. I have spent weeks having the most frustratingly platonic romance with him and am counting the days until I'm no longer his commanding officer. I mean, we haven't even kissed!

Ashley was a friend by now and I was pleased that she had finally had enough faith in me to tell me of her past. And while Kaidan, like me, was alone in the world, Ashley was one of five sisters and also had a mother who loved her. Devastating so many lives did not sit right with me. But she was the one who wouldn't wait two minutes to explode things.

Honestly, I think that last one was what decided me.

Maybe if I hadn't spent so long considering who to save, I wouldn't have had to choose.

I apologized to Ashley and she actually tried comforting me.

That bitch.

Okay, okay, I know that that's not fair and she's just trying to make it easier for me but that just makes me feel worse!

In the meeting room afterwards, Kaidan said that he felt really guilty that our relationship killed Ashley. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's just…he and Ashley were both nobly begging me to save the other and now Kaidan says he knew I never would? That's a little presumptuous. Not to mention it made him pleading for Ashley seem much more like lip service and actually kind of insulting since Ashley knew about us.

Maybe I wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been when I informed him that since it was Ashley's screw-up, she was the less valuable officer, and going to her would only result in one saved life versus the many that were rescued by going to Kaidan, even without our relationship, he was the clear choice. He actually looked a little reassured by this, oddly enough. I rarely reassure people on purpose even when I am actually trying to.

Then Liara ruined the moment and, to my surprise, I realized that the rest of the team had just sort of been quietly listening and watching us. Super creepy. Apparently none of them had anything to say about Ashley.

Liara seemed completely indifferent to Ashley's' death and just wanted to talk about the Conduit. She made me stand there and mind-mild with her again. Since that's similar to how Asari have sex (or so I've heard) and we were surrounded by everyone – including Kaidan – I was feeling incredibly awkward.

She is just too damn focused on those visions if you ask me. I mean, Ashley just died. Couldn't we call another meeting tomorrow or even later today or something?

I have to say, watching it again didn't seem much clearer despite how excited Liara was about that other part we found on Virmire. Maybe some of the images went by a little slower but it was still incredibly trippy. Some odd hatching and something out of a Salvador Dali painting, planets lined up like dominoes, and some bits of machinery. Also a clearer image of a Reaper than I'd seen before and it was all wriggly and spidery so really gross.

I am positive that this message involves Sovereign (or maybe another Reaper, who even knows?) but that is all.

Despite the fact that I'm the one who is supposed to be the special Prothean-understander, Liara sees more in this vision than I do. She's suddenly decided that this is a distress signal and that the Conduit is on some planet called Ilos.

She is making this crap up, I swear to God.

But I am sort of at a dead end here. Again.

I called the Council more out of obligation than because I actually felt up to it. I do not like two-thirds of them on a good day, never mind a day where a friend just died.

They still don't believe in Reapers but are about where I am regarding Sovereign. They seem to be under the strange impression that I blindly believe all of this and it is quite frustrating. They said that their decisions impact trillions of lives so therefore they logically prefer not to make decisions at all. I would think that Sovereign attempting to wipe out all life (likely resulting in much death even should he fail) would be important but…Well, I'm sure that they know best.

The more I learn of the Council the more I become convinced that we really need a spot on the Council. It's our only way to ever get anything out of them.

They told me to do whatever I saw fit and they didn't even want to know but they weren't going to do anything.

Liara doesn't care that they don't care and wants me to go to the Citadel and pester them into sending a giant fleet as we can't possibly handle Ilos by ourselves despite handling literally everything else ever by ourselves.

Oh, but you know who does care about me having to kill Ashley? Joker. Kaidan cares in how it relates to him and no one else gives a shit but Joker. I love him. I mean. Well.

Naturally, this was all very depressing so I went over to go talk to Kaidan to see if he could cheer me up. I'm sure he could have if he tried but, while he insisted several times he was not judging me, he asked me a lot of pointed questions about how I handled losing people on Elysium. Sensing that 'I didn't know any of them so I didn't give any particular damn' was not the right answer, I made up something about how it was difficult but I did what I had to do. I tried to end it on a more optimistic note about us winning but, once again, he wasn't very obliging. I mean, sure, he nearly blew up but he didn't.

Every single time I talk to Liara she marvels about how she didn't expect Doctor Chakwas to know so much about Asari physiology. Seriously, how much can she possibly know and how does Liara keep discovering it? I…don't even want to know. Seriously, I don't. And then she said something stupid about feeling sorry for Sovereign because he doesn't realize he's being brainwashed. Well, you can only get indoctrinated by prolonged exposure (who knows how long?) to Sovereign, right? So what was his excuse after first discovering it and before getting brainwashed for not telling anybody? Seriously. And then Liara complained that we talk about Saren too much but who does she think keeps bringing him up? I certainly don't! He is just not that interesting except for the fact that his face looks like it's stapled or something.

Then I found the Salarians. The awesome Captain Hold the Line (Yes that is seriously what I'm calling him now). He commended me on my expert holding of the line and said that his people would respect Ashley's sacrifice and that her death made us all go up in their estimation. I thought about pointing out how stupid and unnecessary her death was but I fortunately quickly realized other species thinking well of us, justified or not, was kind of the entire point.

And the other Salarian I spoke to said he would defer to the captain about whether or not the mission was a success (spoiler: it was). I don't see what he's so upset about. It's not like he's ever even met Ashley! And if he lost someone, well, isn't that what military units that aren't mine do? I don't know, I just didn't like him. He seemed…squirrely. He said most people would have just ditched his team instead of saving them and I guess most people he knows are sociopaths. Kaidan very well might owe that team his life. Or maybe they owe theirs to his, I really don't know.

Wrex did want to talk about the fact he almost shot me but still didn't care about Ashley. But then, she did threaten to shoot him and they had never really bonded so I suppose I can see where the problem might have been.

Then I got some terrible news. Well, maybe not everyone would agree that it is terrible news but I have something I like to call 'personal experience with Udina and the Council' and this made me realize that this was some pretty terrible news.

Even though not an hour ago the Council assured me, once again, that they can't be bothered to be involved and I should just keep doing what I'm doing (which is waiting for some real-life deus ex machina to direct me where to go), now Joker says that the Council left a message saying that they changed their mind and are going after Saren with a giant multi-species fleet and they want me to head it. Oh, and they told Udina all of this to relay it to me.

Bullshit.

The Council does not do anything ever unless someone literally gives them no other option and I just gave them one report and didn't even ask anything from them. Did Liara sneak her suggestion into my report somehow? I wonder. And they certainly don't change their minds in enough time to actually be helpful! What do they take me for?

Clearly they just want me back on the Citadel. And since they can't be bothered to give me their real reason…I have to admit, I'm really worried. They must think I'm awfully unstable and they need to treat me like a cornered animal. SO not appreciating this, just saying.

But what could I do? I can't defy the Council. Nothing good will come of it and it's not like I have anything better to do anyway.

I am just so not looking forward to this.

When I landed, they were determined to lull me into a false sense of security. Udina even said that I did a good job! Seriously, do they not understand how obvious they are being? Because I am not actually stupid.

And the Council and Udina agreeing on something! What else could it have possibly been but a plot to screw me over? I really don't get why everyone else was so surprised.

Well, they actually seemed to think that they were listening to me and praising me but that I'm psycho but then they're stupid.

To be fair, I don't even know for sure that I should even go to Ilos and it might upset a great many people or whatever, upset some balance or other boring things that aren't my problem. But we have the best stealth systems in the galaxy and why not just make sure? I'd feel a lot better about this if we just made sure.

They think that the best thing to do is just set up a damn blockade over the Citadel. They actually told me that Saren's greatest asset was secrecy and he is powerless now that we know what he's doing (but we don't know because he's either trying to wipe out all life at the behest of his Reaper masters, which none of us believe, or he has some other reason he has not deigned to share).

I just…I can't even…seriously? What about his army of Geth or his strange power to brainwash people or even his damn juggernaut of a ship? Do they really believe in none of this? Suddenly I'm not so sure that I want to hear the answer to that…

Udina said that I used to be a big asset to humanity but that in the last five minutes since I was last boosting humanity's reputation I've becoming a liability. What an ungrateful bastard. And he said that it wasn't personal, just politics but he was smirking while he said it which made it blatantly obvious that that was actually true only when we were working together.

They've grounded me.

The minute I heard that, even in the wide open space of the Council Chambers, I started feeling claustrophobic. To not be allowed to go out into space, wherever the hell I pleased…Well, in all honestly it hasn't been that long since I've been able to do that but they can't take that away from me! I very well might die!

And no, I don't feel that I'm being at all melodramatic about this and I'm offended by the question.

So anyway, I could have stayed on the Citadel and seen what was going on but who knows what Udina and the Council have said about me and I don't want people to judge me or speculate. I'd much rather sulk in my ship.

At least they only temporarily grounded me and didn't try to steal my precious Normandy. Grounded. It makes me feel like I'm one of those girls in the books or movies who have parents that punish them for screwing up.

But enough about my childhood issues!

I'm grounded for the first time in more than twenty-five years. How much more is really not important. And we weren't even talking about that anyway!

Everyone on the ship looked at me with either worry or pity in their eyes so I was kind of avoiding them all. It's just so embarrassing, you know! At least they all know I'm right. Or at least believe in me if they, like most people, never actually left the ship. Or at least so I've been told.

Fuck…

Kaidan came to find me when I was hiding by those weird red and white things on the wall that I have always been too important to actually need to know what they are. I was trying to figure it out when he appeared. I considered pretending that I wasn't hiding but then I figured, what's the point? It's pretty obvious anyway.

Kaidan said we should appeal the decision but we can't actually access official channels and an appeal will take too damn long anyway if Saren really is doing something on Ilos. I don't actually remember why everyone thinks that the Citadel is a target but apparently that is a thing. They all think that they got it from me but, since people are believing it, I highly doubt it.

Then he started fretting about how the Council and Udina won't make up their damn minds about if we're really important or just peons. My money is on important peons. Why should they decide? They benefit more by praising or dismissing us whenever they so choose. And even though Kaidan speaks as if Udina is a part of the Council, he's really not and I hope that he personally will never be. He is seriously pissing me off.

But I didn't want to talk about that and so I teased him a little, asking him to do a better job of cheering me up. I mean, it's only fair, right? He couldn't be bothered when Ashley died just the other day so why not now when the whole galaxy might die because of three idiots and the Turian Councilor who I will one day prove my worth to?

He said something silly about not wanting to muddy the waters any further but I really don't think we have far to fall and I'm getting kind of sick of bowing to their rules and regulations when it never gets me anywhere.

I guess he was as tired of waiting as I was as he pulled me to him and we just looked at each other for a moment like we couldn't believe that we were actually doing this. Right before our lips finally – finally – touched, Joker burst in (not literally, of course, but on the comm) with "Sorry to interrupt."

The hell he is.

He said Captain Anderson asked me to meet him in Flux (and one or both of them really thought I'd need an explanation about where and what that was. Just because I'm pretty sure I never shot the place up doesn't mean I haven't heard of it! I've even been there! I think that was where what's-her-name worked). Knowing him, he probably has a plan to get us out of this. And I am terribly fond of Joker.

But I have never resented either of them more than I do right now.

Especially Joker.

If I die from sexual frustration, it will be all his fault. What, was he just waiting until the exact wrong moment to interrupt? How long was he even watching? I have to start paying closer attention to these kinds of things. In theory, monitoring the ship is good. In practice…Well…

He will pay for this.


	16. Chapter 16

When I met up with Anderson, he told me that he's planning on personally sending me off to Ilos. I don't even want to go to Ilos nor do I see the point even if it was in that vision I had (which I'm still not convinced of) because there's no reason to believe that Saren is there or that it is important. Really, it's probably just a case of Ilos being one of those planets that the Reapers attacked. But I don't want to be here anyway and Anderson is threatening to get the Normandy ungrounded whether or not I go anywhere so I'm going to get in trouble for treason no matter what.

Well, actually, but 'I' I mean everyone but me since I'm a Spectre and the Council never told me anything. Maybe even just Anderson since everyone on the Normandy would be following my orders.

If he absolutely must.

He laid out two plans and only actually said the second when I said his first plan of hoping not to get shot by patrols when he's breaking into the ambassador's security was too dangerous. The plan he really wants to do is the one that involves him going to Udina's office (which, despite what he said, he knows will be occupied because Udina is always there unless he's talking to the Council) and punching him out before using Udina's computer to let me leave.

This plan has no chance of him getting immediately shot but he is so being charged for treason when we're done. Well, if it makes him happy.

And I'm also struggling to understand what Udina feels he is lacking if he has the power to just ground Spectres like that. Is this how the rest of the galaxy feels? Huh.

I was waiting with Joker in the cockpit not because I didn't have faith in Anderson no matter what anyone might say. But since I only stayed until we were cleared for takeoff, no one believed me.

I was mildly freaking out in my room because as much as I have the right to do whatever I want to, I don't want to upset the Alliance and upsetting the ambassador too much might do that. Besides, this is their ship so they can take it away from me and the only way I'm giving up the Normandy is if I'm dead. There, I said it.

Kaidan came by to stop me from freaking out and he said something both extremely sweet and extremely disturbing. He said that everything else, even the Reapers, will all come around again but he and I were important right then and would never happen again. So I was thinking, is he saying that he and I as a couple are unique and there will never be another pair exactly like us even as civilizations rise and fall at the hands of the Reapers or is he saying that we're just going to have sex the once?

Because if he was then I was still up for that but it was not really what I was hoping for.

So yeah, that happened.

I felt like kind of a creeper because I woke up earlier than Kaidan did and got dressed before just sort of staring at him and willing him to wake up. He didn't seem put out which was good because I'd probably have thrown something at him if he did that to me. I wonder if the power of my staring at him woke him up. I know that when I do that to waiters at restaurants, they don't even have to be looking my way for them to know to come over. And yes, maybe that's weird, too, but I maintain that it's better than waving ridiculously at them.

But anyway, right after Kaidan woke up (he literally could not get through saying one sentence to me in greeting) Joker buzzed in and said we were five minutes away from the Muu relay. Nobody actually believes he does that accidentally.

So I went off and fully intend to just not mention what happened and hope that nobody besides Joker knows. Joker sounded a little worried when he warned that there were other ships in the area but since we're in our super-expensive stealth mode our only threat is that someone might look out the window and I'm sure evil people don't bother looking out their windows in space.

My XO (I know his name, I swear I do, I just…can't quite recall it right now) said that the scanners were picking up some strange readings but I did not even bother asking about them. Instead, I ordered us to land but my XO wanted to make that all difficult, too. Apparently there wasn't enough space nearby or something so we'd have to do a suicide drop. Joker said it's not suicide if you don't suck and so we decided to try his plan.

And…we lived so I guess that was a whole bunch of arguing for nothing. I wonder why Joker didn't speak up before. Was he just trying to add to the drama? Because, if so, it worked.

We had to run around everywhere trying to find a way in because of stupid complicated security systems and a lack of a decent map. And my own tragic shortcomings here.

Eventually, we stumbled across this red flickering hologram thing and I was listening in annoyance to it repeating what seemed to be an ancient distress call or battlefield communication when everyone else started discussing how it wasn't surprising that no one understood this probably Prothean signal. I made sure to step as far away from Liara as I could without being obvious before I admitted that I understood it and she still nearly threw herself at me.

I'm surprised she didn't understand it, though, with all that time spent in my head and her carefully viewing every single image I ever got from the beacon. I guess this means that I've been changed in a more fundamental way that just seeing those strange images. I guess that's good because the visions continue to be utterly useless but I also feel kind of weird about the whole being fundamentally changed thing. I mean, who wouldn't, right?

They were all waiting on tenterhooks for me to translate something but really it was a bunch of garbled nonsense for the most part, like interference. I did catch something about the Citadel and being overwhelmed (maybe there was something to everyone's insistence that that was going to be attacked, after all). The Conduit – whatever that is – failed and all was lost. That's no help whatsoever.

After that we were happily driving around killing things in the Mako when we were trapped in on both sides but some weird energy field and Tali decided for some reason that she didn't think Saren had anything to do with this. Well okay then. There was a small door that opened up on one of the walls and so, though this was clearly a trap, we didn't have much else to do but go exploring. I really hoped that that wasn't how we'd die and it wouldn't be just that easy but I figured it was better to walk into a trap and die horribly than to just stand around waiting for people to die off so we could turn into the Donner Party and find out if, though we can't eat the same foods, we can safely eat each other. Or I guess maybe someone might get bored of waiting for us and come out to us but that would still take longer than just following the mysterious door.

We found another AI and this one was somehow able to communicate with all of us. I have to admit that I did resent that a little as I liked being the only one to know what was going on and dole out parcels of information at my leisure. But whatever.

It turns out that the Citadel is actually a giant Mass Relay and is set up in such a way that it encourages every new dominant species to use it and then the Reapers come through it and can kill everyone starting with the seat of government. They created the Keepers to keep things up and running so no one else learns what's going on. I don't know what kind of uncurious people have just accepted that the Keepers handle things and we must not interfere cycle after cycle but clearly the Council and it's stupid 'don't disturb the Keepers' law has a lot to answer for. I'm glad I helped what's-his-face scan them all.

I would like to remind everyone right here and now that I never trusted the Keepers.

Do I believe all of this? I don't know. I do know that since apparently none of us are indoctrinated (how this happened, or failed to happen, I couldn't tell you) and he said this was unlike some other that had passed through, he had probably met Saren and Saren could use Sovereign to wipe out the Citadel even without other Reapers existing so this is extremely serious.

The AI thinks that Reapers go into hibernation and are vulnerable while doing this and live at the edge of the galaxy until the Citadel Relay is activated and they are alerted to this. He said that once the government is destroyed, the Citadel can be used to knock out all interplanetary communications. He said that it took decades (and then amended it to centuries) for the Reapers to kill off every sentient species. Yeah, how the hell did it take a giant army of killing machines even one decade to wipe everything connected to the Citadel out? You would think those Mass Relays would be more useful than that. Or perhaps they just savored their chance to wipe out all life. I wonder about that. If I knew that Reapers were systematically destroying everything I would certainly stop having children but maybe not everyone is so forward-thinking and really would bring children into this world just to be killed by Reapers. I mean, stopping reproducing just makes the Reapers' job easier as they just have to wait for everyone to die off but I just couldn't have a child knowing it was going to be killed before it's time by giant scorpion ships.

Even though there was apparently no communication (or maybe they fixed it?) this AI seems to know all about what happened. They had a lot of problems with refugees because they were usually indoctrinated and helped kill everyone.

When the Reapers left they didn't kill the indoctrinated ones but they were so helpless they starved or faced death by exposure. Well okay then. I hadn't thought indoctrinated people were quite that helpless but maybe their current orders are 'keep yourself alive and x' and when the Reapers retreated there was no compulsion for them to live. How depressing.

But hey! Guess who finally found out what the Conduit is? And, against all odds, it's something useful, too. It's a backdoor to the Citadel that the Protheans created or something. I can understand why the Saren would not want that to be used by sane people not out to commit genocide but why waste all this time searching for it instead of just killing everyone? It turns out that there is actually an answer for that and it's called 'The Protheans weren't totally useless after all.' Those that survived went off to the Citadel (where they eventually probably starved to death) and found a way to block the signal that the Reapers sent to the Keepers to tell them to open up the Mass Relay and so Sovereign and Saren have to manually go in and fix it. Pretty clever of the Protheans. But more talk about decades! I'm starting to wonder if maybe that word does not mean what this AI seems to think it means.

Just for giggles, I asked about why the Protheans didn't surrender. He said it was because no one offered that because the Reapers wanted everything dead. Saren knows this so I don't know why he's being so stupid. Indoctrination, perhaps? Even their so-called indoctrinated 'allies' all died. I mean, unless he wants to be a Keeper or something…

And this AI still doesn't know what the Reapers want. Lame. I refuse to accept that their goal is so far beyond me that they can't even try to explain. They're probably a bunch of sociopaths.

There is a lot that the doesn't know about his own existence (like how he managed to stay hidden) but you know what he does know? The horrific history of how everyone went into a cryogenic state and slowly, to save power, the life support pods were turned off and everyone but the top scientists – who were really bummed about this – were killed. Or at least allowed to die. My team was really outraged, too, but I don't know what they expect. It was impossible to keep everyone alive. They can judge all you want, literally nothing else could have been done.

I mean, I get that what happened was really horrifying but come on! Be reasonable. Demanding alternatives when the only other option was to let everyone die is really stupid.

The beacon was apparently an 'Is anyone still alive?' message that no one received but me. It was coded so only an organic could understand it but, well, indoctrinated. Or 'Damnit Saren!'

We have no way of knowing when Sovereign tried to trigger this cycle of extinction and the AI guessed it might have been a few centuries. So basically…we could have missed all of this and been the first race to the Citadel this cycle! And maybe, without all those stupid 'don't investigate' rules, we would have investigated the hell out of it and figured all of this out and stopped it! Or at least had 50,000 years of being in charge and none of this would be my problem!

Damnit, Protheans!

But what's done is done. Saren was not yet at the Conduit so we hurried to catch up with him. I found the whole thing very upsetting because we were actually in a hurry this time and literally had maybe thirty seconds to make it to the portal before it closed and the galaxy was destroyed forever. Geth tried to slow me down by attacking me but I literally ignored or ran over everything in my path. Who cares if I took heavy damage? This was important.

While I was going, I couldn't help but imagine fondly the moment when everyone realized I was totally right. I mean, if something had to come of this then at least there was that. Try to sideline me…

Although, technically, part of me wonders what the point was of going to Ilos at all. Sure I learned some cool new facts but did I really have to learn any of that? What if I had stayed and been there for the invasion? Surely I still could have done exactly what I had done. I mean, I guess maybe the Normandy would have had to sit that mission out because it was grounded but if everyone was evacuating the station (as they had by the time that I showed up) then surely Udina wouldn't have been so much of a dick that he would have made us stay behind. Right?

Actually, I'm not so sure about that.

The closest Avina I saw was badly damaged and pretty useless but who else could I ask? The Council evacuated on the Destiny Ascension, she can't find specific individuals, but she knew exactly where Saren was (by the Council chamber).

I went to go find him and he threw a grenade at me just like a comic book villain. I don't remember the name of the one I'm thinking of but he's the one who goes around on a hang glider like Saren is and throws grenades at people. So really, the comparison probably shouldn't have needed to be explained.

He said that he should thank me and then explained why he should not. I apparently made a big impression on him by repeatedly calling him an idiot back on Virmire. He wondered if I was right that he was clearly indoctrinated. Sovereign noticed this and implanted him so now he has no more doubts. If Saren weren't…well, I suppose it's unkind and technically inaccurate to call him an idiot so if he weren't indoctrinated then he'd realize that the story he's telling me is the story of how his indoctrination became complete.

Except, somehow, it wasn't. Everyone says that those who are indoctrinated want the Reapers to win and I've even seen a little bit of evidence of that myself. Saren has never shown any sign of wanting them to win. He just thinks there is no other choice. Maybe he's right that, even now, he needs to be more functional and so less indoctrinated (even with those implants far more indoctrinated people have never needed). Even as terribly indoctrinated as he is, he still insists that we have no chance.

It's symbiotic, he says. There is no stopping it, he says. And yet I keep hearing 'we could not stop it if we tried.'

Despite the fact that things are bleaker than I've ever seen them and I knew that logically I should just kill him (ideally in the middle of his ranting so it would be nice and easy) and get it over with, I couldn't stop trying to reach him.

Indoctrination just makes me so…I don't want to say 'sad' because that seems simplistic but I don't know how else to describe it. It's like with Talitha. Maybe they can never be unindoctrinated but I want to try anyway. I want them to try and to break through for even just a little and I kept arguing with Saren, kept asking him to trust me.

Shockingly, he started to come around and suggested that maybe it wasn't too late. That's when the implant kicked in and started to cause him a great deal of pain. He realized the truth, then. I had woken him up to the truth of his situation and, despite the increasing hopelessness, he found he did not want to continue working with the Reapers. I could respect that. More than that, I could admire that. Because, frankly, it's really easy for me to sit pretty nice and unindoctrinated and judge people for acting like a moron when they're indoctrinated and urge them to stop actively aiding in their own destruction but I don't know what it's like and hopefully I never will.

And Saren decided that he would never be free of the indoctrination and that, even if he could in the future, he couldn't afford to wait and see and watch himself help destroy everything.

He shot himself in the head and his last words were thanking me.

He thanked me, a human, for trying to help him when he's hated us since he first heard of us. I guess my actions meant a lot more to him than they did to me and now he's dead because of them.

And OH MY GOD. I talked to someone and gave them such despair (or maybe, paradoxically, hope) that they killed themselves right in front of me.

I can't believe I just talked someone into suicide! It was a complete accident and I didn't want him to and it was so sad and…Damnit Saren!

And now I can't even remember him completely negatively even though all of this was his own fault to begin with. Well, maybe not the Reapers but certainly my involvement and bringing us to this point. He said that somehow he always knew that it would come to the two of us standing there over Sovereign's attack on the Citadel. Well, I didn't and I was the one charged to hunt him down while he had no specific reason to care about me. But I guess he didn't want to believe the cynicism he was drowning in and so any bit of hope, even in the form of a pretty cynical human, was something he was bound to grab onto with both hands.

But, despite everything, I didn't want him to die and certainly not like that. Damn him.

But there was no time to mourn or to do much of anything. I took a moment to process what was happening and then I shook off the horror that had frozen me to the spot and ran to the computer.

I used whatever program thing that that AI on Ilos had given me to wrest control of the station back from Sovereign and opened up the communications channel. The Destiny Ascension wanted us to stop them from being destroyed and Joker and the Alliance wanted to help. Of course, only I could choose to open up the arms and let them.

My party was divided about what to do and it was along some pretty strange lines. For instance, while it does not surprise me that Kaidan wanted to save the Council and Wrex did not, I would not have thought that Tali had it in her to be quite so…uncaring.

I didn't have a lot of time to think about it even if it was pretty calm just there. Wait too long and my mind is made up for me. Even if I would have ultimately allowed the Council to perish, I want it to be absolutely and completely my decision.

What could I do? Many humans would give their lives but it's the damn Council. I don't like two-thirds of them and think they're useless most of the time but it's like letting the President get assassinated. There are some things you just don't do. And how would we ever convince them that we were ready to join them if we wouldn't even risk ourselves to save them?

So I made the call and the casualties were heavy by the Destiny Ascension was saved and, for now, people were grateful. I just have to trust our politicians to know how to milk that gratitude for all it's worth. I never have to worry much on that front.

The battle was still raging on outside but there wasn't really anything for me to do; it was still so strangely peaceful in there. For lack of anything better, I suggested we go make sure that the man who had shot himself in the head was actually dead. Garrus shot him in the head again although I have seen enough zombie movies to know that if you want to be really sure you have to cut off said head instead of shooting it. Really, I have only myself to blame. And probably Kaidan as I'm sure he's seen those movies, too.

Saren was dead, you see, but then some strange burst of red lightning electrocuted him for awhile and got rid of most of his armor, flesh, and muscle and he was mostly a skeleton with his face hanging off of his elongated neck like a mask. His limbs were like living cables. Just what kind of 'upgrades' did Saren let Sovereign make? No wonder he still felt weird about it!

And then Sovereign (for it was him moving through Saren's body) started jumping around like a freaking jumping bean. Or like a damn Geth. It took forever to kill him not because it was difficult to kill him precisely, but because he would not stand still long enough to let us do it. I don't even know why he bothered since he was distracted by his battle outside. Maybe we at least split his focus but, as a computer, I don't know. I guess he was just really annoyed at me personally or something. What an honor!

Once I killed him, I got buried underneath some rubble when the ceiling collapsed. Talk about claustrophobic. Or rather, let's not talk about it because I am kind of claustrophobic and the whole thing was very…uncomfortable.

I walked off smiling, though, half because I saved the galaxy very publicly and half because I was free. I kind of expected something else bad to happen because I was just so happy but it didn't.

Even when I got called before Udina and the Council bad things didn't happen! Well, except for having to have anything to do with Udina.

And since I saved their lives (technically, all I did was allow others who wanted to save them to do so but I'm not about to turn down an accolade) they even met me in person! Or maybe they did that since the Citadel and their Council chamber is all messed up. But whatever! I saw them face-to-face.

They were all very grateful and it was…unexpected. I mean, they absolutely should have been but the fact that they actually were was very odd.

The Turian Councilor (the only one whose opinion I cared about) even called those who died to save them a 'tragic loss' and almost sounded sincere! If that's not high praise, I don't know what is.

The Asari Councilor mentioned 'Sovereign and the Reapers' but I have no doubt that before long it will just be Saren and his crazy and completely unique ship Sovereign (if it's not just Saren pranking the galaxy).

I don't know if I believe that the Reapers are out there – I'm leaning towards 'no' – but if we're still facing the possibility of imminent extinction…Well, I'm not down with that and so I have to at least look into it. Please let it be no, please let it be no…I'd much rather waste my time than have to deal with more of this.

But good news! No one had time to arrest Anderson yet so he was standing nearby and Udina was sporting a large purple bruise. Actually, that wasn't the good news but I still appreciated it.

No, the good news is that saving the galaxy and the Council personally means I finally did my job and we've got a spot on the Council! Score!

And they asked me to pick who was going to be on it. Well, actually they said that they would have a list of possible candidates but my recommendation would be sure to carry weight and that pretty much translates to 'Shepard, pick the next Councilor.'

And, I mean, my first thought was absolutely 'I want to be on the Council.'

But then I thought about it. Not only would it look really bad if I just picked myself and I've got to go look into this Reaper thing because God knows that no one else is particularly competent but that would mean spending a great deal of time with the Council and I don't even like most of them!

Uh, pass.

I couldn't really think of anyone but Anderson and Udina were standing right there and Udina was looking at me expectantly and so I decided to just choose between them.

Maybe if Udina hadn't tried to kill us all by stealing my precious ship then I would have picked him. As it is, this is the perfect way to get around Anderson's forced retirement and save him from any possible consequences of punching the ambassador out (will Udina be out of a job now that we have a Councilor and no longer need an ambassador? Maybe he can work for Anderson. Oh, I crack myself up sometimes…).

I picked him.

The look on Udina's face was priceless. Did he really think I could ever possibly pick him after what he did? He grumbled that Anderson liked to let his fists do the talking.

I don't know that Anderson particularly wants the job but he did look pleased to annoy Udina as he casually said that that was only with him.

The Council barely even knows who Anderson is but they said they had no problems with him being on the Council.

I guess my supposition that I would absolutely get to pick who was on the Council was right after all.

I could have stayed but there was really nothing else that interested me that they could possibly be talking about. I didn't want to help with rebuilding, after all. I said I was going to go start looking for the Reapers even though I have no leads. Ah, well, that's how the last mission went and it was fine.

What I do have is Kaidan and I still need an answer about what's going on there.

Besides, if this new mission has anything like the procrastination and just plain sitting around waiting for something to happen as the last mission did, I'm going to need to get started working on that immediately.

It's the End so Review Please!


End file.
